Control

Over the past few days my desperation to write has resulted in me not actually writing anything at all.‘Don’t force it! You can’t push a steam train on your own, you gotta fill it up with coal first and let that fire burn’ (I’m not too sure where that analogy came from, it makes little sense written down but in my head, it’s perfect).

So my thoughts on this don’t-write-now action obviously meant I’ve made zero documentation over the past few days, does this mean not forcing it worked or was that just an excuse to control the process some more… like ‘I’m running this show and if I don’t wanna write, I’m not gonna write’. But now I am writing so all is well, in this moment, as I press the keys on the computer, right now all control is momentarily restored.

Things happen beyond our comprehension the majority of the time. I guess that’s the point I was trying to reiterate as I wrote the above jargon. We project, we plan, and we decide that we’re heading in one direction, our steps are determined and our strides are purposeful. Then, low and behold, an elephant or giraffe or some other wacky distraction crosses your path (I’ve never seen a giraffe or elephant by the way but I’d love to one day), halts those defiant strides and convinces your internal compass that what you need is this way not that way. In this very moment I’m imagining the white rabbit in Alice in wonderland… which way did he go? See, it doesn’t really matter which way, adventure and circumstance finds you whichever path you take and if you find yourself in an unwanted circumstance, you take another route. Alice managed it so why can’t I.

My frustrations soar when I feel out of control. I consistently feel I need to be in control over something, mainly myself, my thoughts, my emotions, ME. I never considered myself a controlling person; I’m not towards others. I am my greatest critic, l must be in control, I must be in control, I must be in control. Yes, as you can read, there is a great need for me to feel some control, I am a control-a-holic, and there it is, the words I’ve needed to hear myself say for a very long time. Now what?

I don’t have a clue.

What I do know is that I can now begin to witness this behaviour, watch those feelings rise and fall, asses their strength (in a non-judgemental way, hopefully). Remembering, I’m a human being, not a science experiment. If I try and actively do something about this I know my ego will take over and the controlling of the process will set in… ‘In so and so days I need to feel like this’ or ‘if I’m not feeling a change soon then nothing is working and it never will, it’s all useless, I’m useless’ (I know, that’s incredibly self pitying but I won’t judge if you don’t). Obviously that is not the approach I’m going for so, for now, I need to sit back and let go.

Love, now that comes unexpectedly, without force. It could be a random string of events that leads you to the guy who melts your heart. You don’t plan it, you can’t. Watching the parakeets fly from one tree to another, the shimmer of green, owe-struck by the magic of their synchronicity, that shit can’t be planned. The movement of stars, the planets, fluffy white cloud formations that memorise you as you gaze up at the morning sky. It just is what it is. Us humans have no say over the forces that govern this complex and magnificent universe. So if all that happens around us, the seasons, the weather, the blooming of life and the death of life, if we cannot control that then why the hell do we demand having so much control over our own lives?

Some people find it bright and easy to just kick back and let fate honk its horn, directing operations. I’m not talking about laziness here; I mean some find going with the flow a more natural approach to life. Or is this a personal assumption that because there approach is different to mine, their lives much be easier. When you meet others who seem less tense, or at least that’s the way they allow you to see them it doesn’t mean their life is ‘better’, I guess we all just process information in a very different way. Cheers to being unique!

I’ve felt disconnected the past few weeks, hence my intensity to find some control. Firstly, I’m two weeks late on my monthly cycle, that’s enough to put the body into anticipation mode. I’m swelling and I’m ready for release, like I’m sat on an aeroplane yet I’ve no idea where it’s headed and it’s taking ages to leave the runway.

Oh, Ok I get it.

I want it, I need to control it and it ain’t happening. The body is so fucking smart. HELLO, Emily, you’re trying to control EVERYTHING but you can’t and I’ll show you. Nothing teaches us better than physical manifestation. It’s like illness being that slap across the face, the wake up call to re-evaluate what’s going in your life, what you’re putting into your body food wise and thought wise. Right now, my lesson is… you’ll begin your moon cycle when you chill out!

So, I know I wrote firstly above but I don’t think there is a secondly, my body showing me that I’m to loosen the control reigns is enough for me to chew on right now. I truly believe that our souls are always learning and if they don’t learn from one circumstance than a similar circumstance will try again, over and over until the lesson is learnt, on a soul level, not intellectual. Control is a huge lesson for me… oh boy, it’s taking ages to genuinely relax and loosen up. I think I have a little way to go yet but each day is progress and the fact that I can write about this and notice my how my body is trying to teach me… well it’s all baby steps in the right direction. Maybe I need to chase the white rabbit, not worrying about where and how and when, just riding life. Or maybe I don’t, it’s not healthy or nice to chase small animals anyway. Who knows, I’m opening my arms and letting go, for now, anyway.