Old Stone Epicurean

I’ve been off the wagon.

My lifting’s still going, of course.  I look forward to it.  And I’m intentional.  I still have hit a couple prs (150 press; 245 bench).  I’ve got good form.  I’ve moved down a bit with my squats so that I can hold them at the bottom for a moment.  I have a 185 5×5 back squat right now, and I can lift it without momentum.  It’s not particularly arduous, but it is certainly a good work out.

For a couple weeks I was on my way to doing 100 pushups (I hit 54 in a row recently) and 200 airsquats until I was informed airsquats are pointless.  And so, burpees remain the conditioning exercise of choice, but I have not set a goal with them.

How about 100 in 7 minutes?

My goals remain the same:

Back Squat 360 (2x bw); Deadlift 405; press 180.   I’m at probably about 300 for the Squat, 320 for the DL and 150 for the press.   My squat and DL has decreased a little.  I still remain unsure about how to progress, but the 5×5 rule has remained useful.   I’ve generally replaced the DL with Romanian DLs.

I’ve begun to learn the clean and jerk and snatch.  With my form I can clean about 135 and snatch 100.  I’m a novice.   I close out my workouts with jump squats, plyo push-ups and/or dips.   I also would like to be able to run 5k without walking; do ten pull-ups and 20 double unders in a row.

The 5k is proving to be the hardest.

I should probably smoke less.

The primary challenge is mental.  It includes the preparation of what’s going to be in my kitchen; of making hard choices easy; of measuring my progress; and staying committed.  How am to get into that mental state?  I’m alternately convinced by the belief that a 28 day monastic change is necessary; or that small, imperceptible changes are crucial to long term habits.   One says give up booze for 28 days; the other says, drink less, and trick your mind.  One is about willpower, the other is about psychological finesse.

But I know my sticking points.

The first is that I don’t get to bed early enough.  I go to be sometimes at 2am.  I don’t do much at this time except consume culture and drink.  Getting to bed at 11pm would be a big step.

The second is alcohol.  Over the last few months I’ve consumed more beer than wine.  It’s caused a gradual increase in weight.  But, simply put, drink less or give it up for a specific period.

Do I worry about my drinking? For me it is less an addiction than a spiritual response:  I am thirsty, bored and alone.   The way for me to manage this, I suspect, is to simply go to bed earlier; call friends and write rather than the alternative.  And certainly, if I would be a more responsible person around my health, perhaps I might experience more openness.  I’m a heavy drinker, but I know the source of its habit.   I will be working to replace it as a reward.

The third is rice.  Being half Indian, Chicken Vindaloo with rice is my comfort food.   Do I give it up?  Or just diminish it gradually.  On Paleo I replaced it with Cauliflower.  Perhaps I should go out and get a ricer.

And the last habit I have are the Italian Sandwiches at Roosters.  I don’t eat sandwiches any more.  I take the bun off of burgers that I eat.  I tend to resist the bread at Italian restaurants.  Except for those Italian Sandwiches.

So what’s the next step?  My first step, and the primary one, will now be documentation.  I will return  to writing.  It will be like a diary – but with the idea to get to the emotional roots of where I’m stuck.

I have come to believe that I have a fear.  I am afraid of being in shape and healthy.  I wonder if I resist the possibility that I might possibly become physically desirable.   For if I wanted it, really, wouldn’t I just do it?

I will not set many rules.  Just one:  write.  The theory comes from some thoughts I’ve developed since reading Redirect: the Surprising New Science of Psychological Change. I will rewrite my story to include success.

I do have a few other “rules” that I seek to keep.  I will drink water when I’m out drinking; drink in half-pint increments when I drink beer; eat slowly; eat until I’m full – I’ll seek to develop my mindfulness.  I’ll still be fairly carb-restricted.  Half portions when I go out to eat.   This may be a diary of food, but it may not be.   I will, various times during the day, imagine myself turning away sandwiches and rice.

My weight  / appearance  / beach goal is to reduce my waist from 45″ to 38″.   I buy the argument that abdominal fat is particularly pernicious; and most of my excess is there.  I think this will mean that a healthy weight means losing between 28-35 lbs.  My current weight ranges from 180-185; my fighting weight is probably between 150-155.  This would bring me down to about 15% bodyfat.    In terms of calories and protein, I think it’s reasonable for me to consume about 1800 calories a day and have at least 180 grams be protein.

However, I won’t be counting.

One wise trainer said, “if you want to stick to something, tell all your friends.”  I believe he’s right.  Stick with me on this journey.  See me through.