House of Mirrors

So, the fair’s in town this week. Cotton candy. Corn dogs. Funnel cakes. Games. Prizes. Ferris Wheel. Roller coasters. Fun times for the whole family.

I’ve been on my own roller coaster for several weeks now. And it hasn’t been all cotton candy and fun prizes.

I think my life lately has been a lot like walking through a house of mirrors. Take a few steps. Hit a wall. Back up. See your own reflection, question your direction and just keep going.

Today, I am sad. Yesterday, I was sad. And the day before that. And the day before that. But last week, I was happy. Tomorrow I may be happy.

Apollo’s diagnosis has been one giant pill to swallow. Over and over and over again.

So I definitely have my ups and my downs.

Who doesn’t, right?

Unfortunately I’ve been stuck in the downs these last few days a lot more than the ups. And I’ve always found my best medicine for extreme down times is just to think positive. As cliche and simple as that sounds. It’s true. And it works. Trust me.

I try my best to seek out positivity and avoid negativity. Read positive quotes. DON’T read the news. (DEPRESSING!) Stay off of social media. Yeah, it’s great to keep up and keep in touch, but it’s so overcrowded with negativity and when you’re down it’s really hard to overlook the negative. Or if you’re really down you may even CREATE your own negative from the positive.

A prime example of this would be when someone on Facebook recently called out my mom for posting way too many pictures of her grandbabies. I mean, WHAT?! And she was definitely not nice about it. But this person clearly was fighting some personal battles on that particular day. She was having a down moment and she saw someone else happy and it upset her so she took out her emotions on my mom.

Social media has made it so easy for people to do this kind of thing. And that is the kind of stuff I try to stay away from.

Yet, lately, I’ve found myself in some ways guilty of the same thing. It’s hurting my heart to see other people’s babies thriving and developing and I know that day is probably coming very soon when our precious little Apollo is going to start falling behind. Maybe not rolling over as soon as other babies. Or sitting up. Or not doing this or that. And I’ve let those thoughts get the best of me. And I hate that.

Life is HARD. (For everyone, not just me.)

Being a mom is HARD. (Again, for everyone.)

Being told your son has brain damage and will likely have extreme developmental delays and will also likely have cerebral palsy is HARD.

And in all that we’ve been told, the truth is…none of that is certain. But the unknown is a terrifying thing. So, again, not knowing is HARD.

Side Note: I’m not trying to have a pity party here. I’m just trying to come out on the better side of things and not let the difficult get me down.

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record to anyone that’s been keeping up with my first few blog posts. But to be completely honest with you, I feel like a broken record. My thoughts and emotions are just on a giant loop. And it’s been tough.

And when life is hard, I write. All the crazy feelings. All the negative thoughts. I’m letting it out. Putting it out there in the universe. Sometimes saying things or writing things down and hearing and reading them over and over again can help me get a better understanding of my own feelings and maybe even realize where I’m just being plain silly or over-dramatic.

And I think this is one of those times.

We don’t know how and when or even if Apollo will have developmental delays. I mean, yeah, the statistics are there. What the doctors said is there. But let’s be real. We. Don’t. Know.

And while that is a scary, scary thing, nothing is ever certain in ANYONE’S life.

These are the things I keep telling myself to try and stay positive.

But I also can’t let myself have false hope because then aren’t I just possibly setting myself up for heartbreak over and over and over again in his life?

It’s been this constant back and forth. Hope for the best, but don’t hope too much.

Someone who’s child is also neurologically challenged reached out to me soon after Apollo’s diagnosis and gave me some really great advice. She’s been going down this road for quite a few years now, so she definitely knows the ups, downs, ins and outs of things. And honestly, some of the things she said have been great help for me to go back and read over and over again. Life WILL be just as great as you imagined. They don’t HAVE to be the biggest, best, cutest or smartest in the class.

The main thing that really stuck with me is her telling me her regrets of spending too much time dwelling on what the future of her child’s life looked like and not fully enjoying the baby years and just loving her sweet innocent baby who really only needed just that: LOVE. Not that she didn’t love her child, but I totally understand where she’s coming from. You get told that your child is going to be different and you just want to know why and how. It’s been so easy to get caught up in that.

So I’m so grateful that she shared that with me. And right now I’m going to take her advice.

Lately I’ve been trying my best to just live in the now. And boy isn’t that one of the hardest things to do in life. For people in any walks of life. To live in the now. I think we’d ALL be a little happier if we didn’t dwell on the past or future or the what if’s and if only’s. But easier said than done, right?

But when you really think about it, ALL we have is today anyway, so why NOT only focus on that?

My sweet precious little man has the softest squishiest kissable little cheeks and he LOVES for you to kiss on them.

And so today, I kissed those cheeks.

And tomorrow, I’ll kiss those cheeks.

I’ll kiss those squishy cheeks and I’ll wait for those sweet precious puckered lips and the coos that always come that just warm my heart and bring tears of joy to my eyes.

And that’s what I’ll think about TODAY.