Liveblogging Kissing Sherlock Holmes (probably NSFW)

WARNING: this post contains text that is sexual in nature but not sexy in the slightest. Also, England gets mocked a lot.

An Introduction

I’m not sure when I first heard tell of Kissing Sherlock Holmes but it started gaining some notoriety online as “published fanfiction” and, more specifically, “published slash fanfiction.”

For those of you not in the know, here is urban dictionary‘s definition of fanfiction:

Fanfiction is when someone takes either the story or characters (or both) of a certain piece of work, whether it be a novel, tv show, movie, etc, and create their own story based on it.

And here is their definition of slash:

Genre of fanfiction involving pairing two male or female characters together; characters are commonly shown with a slash in between

Now you may be asking yourself, “why would Krista frequent areas of the internet where such things are discussed?” The answer to that is: none of your business.

The reason why actual published fanfiction gets noticed online is because it happens so rarely, especially of the slash variety. There’s some fanfiction that has been updated to avoid copyright infringement and published (Fifty Shades of Grey and The Mortal Instruments being notable examples) but it’s very rare that it’s left in its original format.

Luckily for the world, Sherlock Holmes is public domain.

And that means Kissing Sherlock Holmes got published for e-readers.

I decided to liveblog the experience of reading such a book because a) I’m sort of a snob about erotica and b) this book actually made money so, unlike most fanfiction, I think it’s open to critique.

Also, it’s hilarious.

I have yet to finish it because it got a little heavy on the boring plot and a little light on the “Sherlock Holmes and Watson making out” but maybe one day I’ll finish it.

THE BEGINNING

STARTING STRONG RIGHT OUT THE GATE

Man, this book jumped right from tuberculosis to marriage.

MIGHT THIS BE THE END OF HOLMES AND WATSON?

How I read this: “I HAVE BEEN WON BY MISS BRITISH MCFUSSYBOTTOMTON OF SHIRETON ABBEY”

“HER HALF-BROTHER, SIR CRUMPET TEABAGGINGSTON, SUBDUKE OF MONARCHYSHAM”

I wonder how he’ll do that.

Ruh roh, troubles a-brewing.

WILL WATSON DEAL WITH HIS DEEP-SEATED HOMOSEXUAL LONGING?

WILL HOLMES PROVE HIS MANLY PROWESS IN THE ARTS OF PHYSICAL LOVE?

Somebody’s been watching Pretty Woman!

Let the gays begin:

HE’S GOING TO MAKE HIM MAKE OUT WITH A TREE

I JUST

WHAT

I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS WAS NOT THE DIRECTION I WAS EXPECTING

Aaaaand there we go.

Honestly, Watson. A tree. Pfft. Stop suggesting dendrophilia or bestiality to your friends and make out with them instead.

He has such a way with compliments.

Cannot… make… jokes…

too… many…. innuendos…

Poor boys with their inconvenient gay panic.

My face while reading this:

Hang on

it’s been raining this whole time?!?!

Sherlock Holmes, you crafty bastard.

The man brings up a very good, very gay point.

I am laughing so hard I am crying

You guys are such dicks

I’ve finished chapter 1

I fear that I may have driven people away by yet again losing my mind.

But don’t forget guys:

this is just getting silly

THESE AREN’T REAL NAMES

Oh, hooray

First cows, now exotic cats.

What is your deal, bro?

ribbons of cream

RIBBONS OF CREAM

I’m going to start a band called Ribbons of Cream now

OH SHIT SON

METHINKS HOLMESIE IS GONNA SWALLOW

SOMEONE HOLD ME

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE MY LIMBS ANYMORE

I’M ONLY ON PAGE 43

THAT’S 43 OUT OF 255

JESUS TAKE THE GODDAMN WHEEL

BOOOOOO

LESS CASES, MORE AWKWARD AND STRANGE COUCH SEX WITH ODD DESCRIPTIONS OF EJACULATIONS!

And by “game” he means “fucking over a poor woman so that he can supposedly solve a case for some reason while getting all her money at the same time”

YOU ARE A BAG OF DICKS, SHERLOCK HOLMES

SHUT THE FUCK UP

ARE YOU EVEN TRYING ANYMORE

WHAT THE SHIT IS A MARCHIONESS

WHO IN THE HELL IS LADY SIMPKINS

how…. violently affectionate

Oh right, roommates. Because it isn’t as if they are British or Victorian or anything

I’m super American but even I know the British call them flatmates, ya dingus

The biggest bag of dicks to ever be a bag of dicks

WELL IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU DILLHOLE

YOU ARE NO LONGER A BAG OF DICKS

YOU ARE A VAT OF DICKS

YOU ARE A RESERVOIR OF DICKS

YOU ARE SIR DICKINGTON OF DICKSHIRE YOU DUKE OF DICKDOM

After that brief foray into horrifying misogyny, WE’RE BACK TO PORN

MATING TONGUES

I was going to make a graphic of two tongues boning but then I google image searched “tongue” and now everything inside of me wants to die

IT’S ALMOST AS IF THEY FORGOT THAT BEING GAY WAS TOTALLY AGAINST THE LAW IN VICTORIAN TIMES AND MADE OUT AGAINST A TREE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

OH WAIT

I never thought I, of all people, would ever say this but….

WE FUCKING GET IT

YOU’RE GAY

GOD

I think “snowy knuckles” might be a medical condition, John.

I object on the grounds of hyphen abuse

And thus does the plot advance in a way that makes NO FUCKING SENSE

it might be my sleep meds kicking in, but this mystery is not so much a “mystery” as it is a “very incoherent track for the porn train to ride on”

That shit Fae

that shit fae

I am going to bed

but I just want to let you know that, in the span of less than 24 hours (and in 68 pages), Holmes and Watson have:

Planned a fake marriage so that Holmes can get rich and for some reason expose some bad dude for being bad
Met people with stupidly British names
Almost made out with trees and cows
Made out with each other against a tree in front of the cows
Fucked three times
Went to a fancy dinner party
Were sexist jackasses
And sort-of-not-really started to solve a case

GUESS WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW

Last time, in Kissing Sherlock:

Some dude rode away on a horse
Watson blew Holmes and then there was some random Reichenbach Feels before they quickly went and fucked in the other bed
The logic behind this was so that “both beds looked slept in” so as to not arouse the chambermaid’s suspicion
I am suspecting that there is a flaw in this logic, given that both beds are LITERALLY SOAKED IN JIZZ
I’m sorry did I say jizz
I meant “cream”
…poor chambermaid

I don’t think that chest hair should be crispy, John

you are a medical doctor

why are you not concerned

OH DEAR

NOT THE CASE WE WERE HIRED TO DO

HEAVEN FORBID WE DO THAT

Stop it, book

Sherlock Holmes does not get mushy

“OH JOHN, WE MUST WRITE ‘CUDDLE TIMES’ IN PERMANENT MARKER ON EVERY TUESDAY OF EVERY WEEK IN EVERY MONTH ON OUR CALENDAR. I SHALL MAKE YOU A SHIRT THAT SAYS ‘KING OF HUGS’ AND MINE SHALL SAY ‘PRINCE OF KISSES’ AND WE SHALL BE CUTER THAN A BARREL FULL OF KITTENS”

I call foul on TOO MANY FUCKING METAPHORS IN ONE SENTENCE

“OH BOTHER, THE ROOMS DO EVERSO SMELL OF SEX. PIP PIP AND TALLYHO”

I’m going to start a tally of how many times Watson goes into painful, almost confusingly exact detail of what Holmes looks like in a particular moment

We’ll say this is time #10, just to be conservative

That much cream can’t be good for the flowers, you dicks

OH SHIT

OH SHIT, SON

BUSTED

WAIT BUT

DUDE

YOU JUST ALL BUT ADMITTED TO HEARING YOUR SISTER’S FIANCE FUCKING ANOTHER DUDE IN THE ROOM RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS

DUUUUUUUDE

Their pillow talk is weird.

Aw, Holmsie. I’m sorry I called you the Duke of Dickdom before. You’re just a wounded butterfly, waiting to take flight into a rainbow of gayness.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me hates them for being like two middle school girls

the other part of me wants to cock my head and go “awwwww”

STOP IT

Man, it must have been difficult to be a Victorian pauper

What with the inability to use consonants and all

Jedededidiah

I know nothing of horses

Ok, just so everyone realizes what I just realized:

Jededidoodah just mentioned that Lord Stepny or Robert or Mr. “I catch my sister’s boo fucking a dude and I just don’t give a shit” felt like someone was like their own son
I thought Jediiderp was referring to his own son, the kid who can’t say any consonants
In fact, Lord Fuckadoodle feels like Jack is like his own son
In case you wondering who Jack is again
JACK IS A HORSE
JACK THE HORSE IS LIKE HIS SON
GODDAMNIT

HOORAY CASUAL MISOGYNY HAS RETURNED!

WILL WATSON GET TO HAVE BREAKFAST?

I WANT TO KNOW

UNLESS IT’S GAY AND YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY COWS YOU MEAN

On the contrary, Watson

I believe she’d like to see more of that tongue

…this book is breaking my spirit

This book should be called “WATSON HEARTS BREAKFAST” instead of “KISSING SHERLOCK HOLMES”

Also, people drink wine in the morning?!

THIS PLOT IS SO BORING

Also, it’s been like 20 pages and WHERE IS THE GAY SEX

THIS BOOK IS CALLED KISSING SHERLOCK HOLMES

NOT BORING PEOPLE HAVING BORING CONVERSATIONS WHILE EATING THEIR BORING FOOD AND BEING TOO FUCKING BRITISH TO FUNCTION

FUCK YEAH

UPSTAIRS FOR SOME HOT CREAM ACTION

“AND I’M LIKE A MERMAID TRYING TO GET TO THE CASE BUT I’M SURROUNDED BY EVEN MORE WATER WHICH IS THIS HOUSE BECAUSE WE LIVE IN IT AND ALL THE PEOPLE LIVING HERE ARE FISH AND YOU’RE ERIC AND I HAVE TO GIVE MY VOICE AWAY TO GET A VAGINA AND…. I lost track of what I was saying.”