My second finger all around the knuckle is all bruised after coming out of that last chiropractic adjustment. It was a gentle treatment, but it must have been profound for old feelings it triggered of being immobilised and then both my bladder and my bowels giving out on te following night.. That has not happened for the next two nights. And last night I slept quiet well without spending hours in the toilet or trying to rise and fall swirl walk around the room to manage the fear.
For so many years I feel like my body, psyche and soul has been trying to fight its way out of some deep entrapment and paralysis and the way my right arm comes out swinging shows I felt such frustration and anger over all of the invasions and restrictions on my body, being and emotions. Vivid memories of being hurt or over stimulated by Mum or Dad as a child, of being cut into, my arm pulled out of its socket, being forceably restrained in a harness and during that long hospitalisation, and of not being able to stop it or escape explains why I spent most of my later life in fawn or freeze responses and then in first therapies began to experience huge explosions of anger. My feelings have obviously not been fully accessible to me before and this morning I lay in bed burning up over the amount of money I have given away while neglecting my own needs.. I really had to do a lot of praying this morning to forgive myself for that..
There was no way to claim power as a child and sadly that powerless child still lived deep inside of me, but all that entrapment trauma was not as conscious before now, indeed its only slowly been making its way towards awareness. The reason I let these two men pver run me with demands has also become glaringly apparent.
I woke on Sunday morning with a huge physical reaction around 6 am after a very powerful and emotional dream.. .It was about two men but in the dream one of the men was trying to undermine my relationship with the more loving one and eventually the man I really cared about disappeared and I woke with my body wracked with sobs. Earlier in the dream the first man was restraining me by twisting my hair so tightly it made me bend over double and this really is a way my psyche has shown me of all the terrible twists anguish and spasms Scott has put me through over money but it does also relate to a lack of control. A feeling I am being tortured by a negative masculine force.. This underminding theme is happening in my life, additionally this daughter of someone I know on Instagram has been pleading with me for money I do not have to help her with her hospital bills.. I was crying yesterday afternoon and my gut was in spasm I had to block her as she was saying I could find a way to help if I wanted..Why the hell isnt her father helping her? But see even this goes back to my own issues of trauma and abandonment around my father.
I think the twisting hair image may also be down to intellectualisation.. By some kind of weird case of synchronicity yesterday a very good blogger pal was sharing an affadavit he has written about abuse he suffered as a patient after his torture by his mother.. In the facility he was confined in he was put in a straightjacket in a padded room and drugged and kicked.. When I asked him how old he was at the time ht told 16 and the he turned 17 in the facility.. This made my entire body spin as I was also 17 when I crashed and I was literally lying on the bed crying and crying for the lost years, both of us were robbed of a normal adolescence and having so much trauma and paralysis and neglect/abuse at that time really has derailed both of our lives in so many painful ways.
After this I had to call crisis support, it had triggered me so much but when I consider Mercury now stationing while Mars and Jupiter move closer and closer the transiting Chiron in Aries its no wonder all of this assertive fight energy is rising up to make statements about the truth of what went down in terms of wounding to assertion and bodily mobility.. My friend suffers horrendously from being tied to a chair in a basement and abuse…
Good things are happening in the midst of this.. I had a lovely long chat with my nephew after our last conflict. I feel glad he was able to tell me how he felt about my reactions to what my sister, his Mum is undergoing and the part he played.. I understand he felt attacked, critised and blamed and even though my therapist tells me I did nothing wrong, due to the fact of his own confusion and vulnerability I could have handled it better.. In truth he lacks control and power over his mother’s mental illness and past trauma
I felt his good qualities shining out in the conversation and it was love to hear his news. Missing out as much as I did growing up, at times it’s been painful to feel ignored but I’m sure it was not a deliberate thing as he did seem genuinely interested to hear from me. And with so much going on in his own life, contact may be a bit too much to expect.
Anyway the bruising in my knuckle did go away over the next two days and I managed to bathe and have a rest after waking around 6 am with less of the nervous stress responses than before.. I did experience myself burning up at one point thinking of all I have given away but my higher power and angels reminded me that in truth I do have a lot.. I own my home and still have some money for food and bills. I need to keep focusing on gratitude and forgiving myself for any bad decisions made out of my own emotional neglect.
I am having a lot of lessons too, in honoring my truth and not allowing others who seem just so bloody certain to overrun that.. It seems to me the the more sure someone is of something, the less open they are on a deeper level to the mystery. The truth is this … truth TRULY IS STRANGER THAN FICTION.. And the way to hell is made more likely the more doggedly certain someone seems to be about something they, in actual fact know nothing about.
Emerging From The Dark Night 