I’ve mulled it over quite a bit, and decided not to write a letter to my family explaining my reasons for leaving the Mormon church. In the end, I don’t think it will be well-received. I think most people will perceive it as an attack, not as the frank, open icebreaker that I intend it to be.
I’m still going to have my name removed. I also want to at least tell my parents first. I don’t think they’re going to take it well, and I guess I can’t blame them. It’s a tricky business.
Anyway, I wrote a couple of drafts of my letter to family, both in my head and on paper, and I wasn’t really satisfied with any of them.
i’d love to see a draft. email me.
Kullervo, I’m still praying for you—that you can figure out how to talk to your family about this. My uncle, who was once very close to my dad, left the LDS Church and sent out this kind of letter (depending on what you actually write, of course). It didn’t go well. He dwelt to much on what he didn’t like about the Church and so it really did come off as an attack. For months afterwards he sent follow-up letters, probably just trying to explain in better detail his reasons for leaving and to justify his decision in his family’s eyes. Those came across as more attacks. I remember my dad’s frustration, wishing he could have some interaction with his brother that didn’t center around his brother’s decision to leave—but his brother kept bringing it up.
I’m not about to say that your family is like mine. But if there is any similarity, then what your family would want (i.e. what my dad wanted), was a simple letter explaining your decision, the general reason for it (i.e. “I don’t believe it” or “It feels oppressive” or “I like _____ better”), and a recognition that your family has their own reasons for staying—which you are not about to try to dissuade them from (unlike my uncle).
Personally, I have found Nonviolent Communication insightful in helping me to communicate, well, less violently. Some premises are to separate observation of facts from blaming individuals and to express what you need and seek to understand what the other person needs, to communicate what we need rather than discussing what’s right and wrong.
I only finished reading it recently, so don’t take my writing as an example. 🙂 However, if you would still like to communicate with your family without being perceived to attack them, perhaps this could help.
It sounds like a tough letter to write. Maybe you did the write thing by not writing it.
I’d agree with you. A letter just seems a little too solemn and legal. With family, you are better off just saying it in person, if they ask.
The concern is that they won’t ask, because they’ll be all awkward and afraid to bring the topic up, and it’ll just be a kind of cold war–the exact kind of chilling effect that people are afraid is the result of leaving the church.
I wrote a letter (actually two letters) which I admit wasn’t the most personal touch, but everyone knows where I stand. There’s still some awkwardness about how to relate to each other, but there’s no awkwardness around wondering what I believe.
I wrote my family a letter two years ago saying I was leaving the church, and I gave them a list of problems I had with doctrine, etc., etc.. It was poorly taken (as I should have guessed). It was rash because it was written after months of heavy studying (you know, those first few months after you first realize something is amiss in the church, it’s almost all you can think about). I ended up promising my parents that I would take more time to give it more thought before I did anything “official”.
So, I think its smart to rethink the type of letter you write, but I think that some form of communication (be it in person or a letter) is very important. Like you said, leaving it for them to ask you about only makes it cold and uncomfortable. As for my family, a letter is how I’m most comfortable because I really don’t have a very open relationship with them. However, now that I’m also on the brink of finally sending in my resig (two years later), I’ve started writing another letter that is much more just sort of “FYI”, rather than feeling the need to give reasons to justify my decision (which only ends up offending them since they take it all so personally — not to mention it opens up doors for them to get all “Jeff Lindsay” on me).
Kullervo, I’d be happy to email you a copy of my letter (that I’m still going over and over to make sure it’s done in a tasteful way). Email me if you’re interested. I’d appreciate your thoughts on it, and maybe it can help you hone down what you want to say to your own family (if you change your mind, that is).
~Brad