“The Scientology Thanksgiving day tradition of a family sec check is one cherished by all Scientologists due to its power for revenge within the family,” explained Chaplain Ken Delusion.

“Has grandpa been drinking codeine cough syrup and sneaking off to strip clubs?”

“Has grandma been secretly embezzling money from the Rotary Club to pay for her luxury online shopping?”

“Has Dad been getting liquored up and gambling down at the Indian Casino?”

“Has Mom been going out 2D with the pool boy?”

“Has daughter been selling crack to pay for her cosmetic surgeries?”

“Has sonny boy been robbing banks again to pay for his hookers and cocaine?”

Pick up the cans. Give me a can squeeze. Take a deep breath and let it out. Thank you. Start of session.