Just Say No: Drunk Online Shopping

Consider this my public service announcement.

8 p.m. on a Thursday Night: It seems like such a good idea. You come home after a long day of work, slip into your comfy pants, pour yourself a glass of wine,  or even perhaps a martini (whatever poison tickles your fancy), turn on some mind numbing TV, park on the couch with your laptop and start checking your email, Facebook etc.

So as you sip on your delish escape from the day, you’ll sift through the millions of emails from Gilt Groupe, Rue La La, Fab.com, LivingSocial, Groupon and so on. Oh and what do you see, Gilt Groupe has a ridiculous sale on Stella McCartney? Sure you’ll take a peek, but maybe you won’t pounce just yet, but the sipping continues.

All of a sudden a fire has been ignited within you to surf the Internet for some new fall clothes. Forever21.com will pop up on your screen eventually, and know when it does, it is a black hole. They have this deadly feature known as a “Wish List” where you can throw whatever you want in it … and NOT have to lug it around or push it through a crowded store. Nope, you are in the comfort of your own home getting drunk. You win Forever 21, you always do.

So say at this point you’re feelin’ happy … tipsy if anything. Well consider yourself screwed at this point my friend. Seriously, the mixture of booze, cheap prices and amazing things you have always wanted to wear and can afford to experiment with being at your finger tips mine as well be the kiss of death. Before you know it your “Wish List” is overflowing with good buys and God only knows what else and an alert has just popped up saying “Free Shipping for Purchases over $100.” “WHAT WHAT,” you may say while doing a happy dance that will make you fling half of your cocktail over your couch. But who gives a shit, right? Your credit card has been inputed and approved and you have a box full of greatness coming your way my friend!

And the damage is done. You might pour yourself another cocktail (or five) to celebrate. Because you wanna know why? You’re feelin GOOOOD, the Internet has just rewarded you with a FLY new wardrobe and your desire to itch the online shopping scratch is more severe then ever. So much Internet shopping to do … so little time … time … time … time :::trailing off and the scene fades to black:::

7 a.m. Friday Morning: You wake up on your couch in a panic, TV still on with crazy people on Paid Programming talking about Jesus. Your credit card may or may not be stuck to your cheek, hopefully it is on the safety of your coffee table, but if not no judgement. Your couch reeks of whatever your poison of choice was the night before, your head is pounding and you may or may not have cotton mouth. And son of a bitch, you have to be at work in an hour.

9 a.m. Friday Morning: After you’ve removed the warlock look from your face and dressed like a sophisticated human being once again, you feel confident no one will know how hungover you are, since people can’t see a raging headache, right?. You pour yourself a cup of coffee, park at your desk and decide to check your personal email. Hmm 14 new emails in your inbox, what? That’s a bit abnormal. And that is when you these flash before your hungover eyes:

Thank You For Your Purchase At Forever 21!

Your Piperlime Order Has Been Received!

ShopBop.com Is SO Excited That You Spent So Much Money With Us!

Bloomingdales.com Thinks You May Be One Of Our Best Customers!

Groupon Is Excited For Your Bungee Jump Off The Ben Franklin Bridge! (WHAT?!)

Sweet … mother … of … GOD. You knew you did some damage but perhaps not THAT much … ESPECIALLY at Forev Twent. Some purchases are a bit hazy, but it will be more of a surprise (good or bad) when you open up the Forev Twent box to see you decided to buy a $2.99 blinged out unicorn necklace. Why? Because it rocks, it was funny and cheap, and you were drunk.

So as you can see dear friends, online shopping is a dangerous … yet fun game. You go on a mission for one thing and end up with endless boxes arriving at your doorstep with half expected half mysterious things in them. Some you’re excited for … while other more hazy purchases make you wonder what you were on while you put that “thing” on your “Wish List.”

Don’t be blinded by that free shipping temptress either … she is a saucy minx. JUST … SAY … NO. You wouldn’t go to the mall hammered and start buying out a store now would you? No, right? Yes? What? If you are saying yes … well … yeah … get help. Please.

This was a public service announcement brought to you by Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra.