I saw Jonah Hex for the fuck of it. I didn’t expect much- I even expected bad. I ended up getting… nothing, actually. The movie is a whole lot of nothing. Don’t bother watching it- hell, I wouldn’t even bother reading the review for it.
The Boringest Cowboy
The 2010 film, Jonah Hex, is actually an adaptation of a DC Comic. Hex is a semi-undead antihero cowboy from the time period shortly following the end of the American Civil War in 1865 resurrected by Native American magic. The film, John Malkovich’s worst ever effort in a movie, follows Hex as he saves American from Malkovich’s villain while also extracting revenge for killing Hex’s family. It’s… not an interesting premise.
This film stars heavy hitters such as Josh Brolin, of Avengers fame, John Malkovich, from Being John Malkovich, and Megan Fox, from hit daytime comedy New Girl, along with Michael Fassbender, fresh off his incredible 2009 role in Fish Tank. The film is helmed by Jimmy Hayward, who had animated five Pixar films, Toy Story and Finding Nemo in his directorial debut.
The Boringest Magic
Jonah Hex features an original concept, in that Hex can speak to the dead when he’s touching them. The longer they’ve been reanimated, the more they burn. An antihero who can speak to the dead? Sounds like a man who can solve murder mysteries when there’s no forensic capabilities to speak of in this time period. As well defined as this power is, it’s also criminally underutilized. The most significant use of this power comes when Hex reanimates and speaks to his villain’s dead son- who he may have killed. It’s hard to tell. Oh, and this guy? Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
While this power is defined well, Hex’s mortality is not. There’s a very insensitive and pointless sequence in the middle of the film where he’s wounded and his healed by the same Natives. He vomits a crow, and the next thing you know, he’s dashing across the plains on his horse. Is he immortal? Is he magic? Why? To what extent? Hard to tell.
The Boringest Director
The real criminality in poor filmmaking comes in the film’s action sequences. The movie has three significant action scenes, two of which are at night. These action sequences are plagued with poor actor positionings, choppy blocking, reused shots, shakey-cam camera movements, and nonexistent action choreography. Very dispassionate.
The climactic fight isn’t a classic cowboy shootout, a CGI- heavy comic book end or even all that original. Malkovich shoots the single US Navy up. This captain of this ship? Will Arnett.
I’d like to take a moment to complain about the fact that this movie was literally about a comic book magic cowboy who fucks Megan Fox and has a machine gun on his horse. It features powerhouses that collectively boast a major stake in today’s pop culture, from the MCU’s most iconic villain to the best Batman ever. How in the hell did you let this moving be so fucking boring?
2/10.
The singular point comes from the fact that Megan Fox is in this. Albeit, as a sex object that shoots guns at the end, but in the movie nonetheless.
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