Dear Bossip: We've Been Dating Over A Year, Yet, He Won't Define Our Relationship & Now We're On A Break

Dear Bossip,

I am in a relationship with a guy I have known for almost 5 years. I have been with him for a year in half.

I was engaged before him, and I obviously did not go through with the wedding. Soon after me and my ex fiancé broke it off I got pregnant by another guy and had my son in 2011. I was single and having fun until I started dating my current boo.

When we began dating my son was 5 month old and he knew I had a child and how old he was. When we first started out we were just dating, it was nothing serious. We were just going on dates and doing normal stuff when you first begin dating someone. I did not have him around my son that much until my son was about 7 months. During this time we began to see that we were starting to like each other more than we thought and that it was getting a little serious. I met his mom and step dad and step sister, and also some more of his immediate family during this period.

After I began to be around his family I fell in love with them and they took my son in as their own. Soon after this he met my family little by little from my mom, sister, nephew and dad and any other family members. We spent thanksgiving and Christmas together and everything. He even bought my son gifts and his family did the same for him and me.

After the holidays, we had been talking for about 5 months and we had decided to cut any and everyone we had on the side off and just make it exclusive. But, the problem is that he never made me his girlfriend at all. We spend almost every day together, including with my son, as well as with our family. We spend the night at each other’s houses and everything, but he won’t completely commit to me.

Now, it has been a year of the same thing, up and down between us. He says that I am putting too much into having a title. If we both know how each other feelings then why do we need a title? So, I stop asking for it and just went along with the flow. But, now he doesn’t even spend as much time with me as he used to. He spends more time with his male best friend and this girl that is like a sister to him and her boyfriend.

I do not think that he is cheating or with another girl, but I just don’t know why all of a sudden he doesn’t want to spend as much or any time with me. But, anytime I want to chill he doesn’t have time or when it is convenient for him. So, I do not know what to do anymore or how to make him happy with what we have. He told me he loves me and he has never told anyone else that since he has been dating.

I get along with his mom and family and I don’t want to stop having a relationship with her and the family. So, now we are on a break because he said he needs time to think about what he wants and if this is something he is ready for in the sense of my son and family life and the responsibility. I love him so much its crazy, and I don’t want to let him go at all. But, one thing I have learned is when a man says he needs space you have to give it to them.

So, I just don’t know if I should prepare myself for a serious and real break-up this time since we have had “breaks” before, but they never last and we seem to find our way back to each other.  – Confused Woman With My Heart On My Sleeve

Dear Ms. Confused Woman With My Heart on My Sleeve,

SMDH! Sigh! I swear!

Let me say this for the record: When you have to ask a man to define your relationship, or you have to ask why you and he do not have titles, and he says to you, “Why do we have to define this? We know how we feel about each other, so why we have to put titles on it?” He is not the man for you. He is not serious about you. He doesn’t see a future with you. You will never have a serious relationship. Stop deluding yourself. Stop going with the “flow,” and seeing how it goes with him. It’s not going to end well. TRUST AND BELIEVE!

You are committing to a man as if you’re in a relationship, yet, he won’t he even claim you as his girlfriend. He doesn’t even give you a title, and you’re over there professing your love and how dedicated you are to him when in reality he is and has told you in so many words that he is not willing to commit to you.

You women will stop giving your all to a man who is only giving you part of himself. You keep giving 100 percent of yourselves in these so-called relationships, hoping these knuckle-head men will wake up and give 100 percent in return. You go above and beyond for them, bending over backward, holding him down, playing house and acting like a family, but, all the while he is still in the streets, hanging out, and doing him. So, when your so-called relationship runs its course he will look you dead in your face and say, “We were never in a relationship. We were just chilling. You were not my woman, and I was not your man.” SMDH! Stop giving your all to a half-a** man with a half-a** commitment.

I’m curious to know why you would you dedicate yourself to a man who will not commit to you and give your relationship a title? What is preventing him from saying that you are his woman, his girlfriend, and he is your man, your boyfriend? It’s because he doesn’t want a ready-made family. He doesn’t want to play daddy, play house, and get married to you. He wants to play alright – play in your bed. Play in your house. Play like you’re his woman. But, it’s “play-play.” That is why he is still hanging out with his boys, and other friends. He is continuing to enjoy his single life, yet, at the same time he makes you feel as if he is going to settle down with you. He spends time here and there with you and your son, and he enjoys the perks of your commitment to him, but he is not interested in being serious.

Yes, you met his mother and family, but, as much as they may love you and adore your son, I bet they are in his ear telling him that he should not settle down with a woman who already has a child, and that he needs to stop playing house with you. Don’t let that kind, motherly, and endearing relationship you have with his family fool you. They are being polite, and smiling in your face. You don’t know what discussions they are having with him while you are not around.

If he has no children, and he is younger than you, then of course he doesn’t want to settle down with an already made family. He wants to have fun, hang out, and do him. He doesn’t want to come home and play daddy, spend his money on you and your son, and feel the weight of this ready-made family. So, why does he keep coming around? You’re in-house sex. You’re a steady bed partner. Until he meets someone else, you are someone to do. You are his go-to safe haven. You’re steady. You’re convenient.

Now, you can end all of this, and tell him to give you some answers, such as why he won’t give you a title. You can ask him to be honest with you and to tell you the truth about you having a child, and if that scares him, and if he is afraid to commit to a woman with a child. Does he see a future with you, or is he passing the time with you until he meets someone else? But, don’t leave all the decisions and choices up to him. You play a part in this as well. You have to decide if he is someone you want to commit to him. Yeah, I hear you over there saying you love him, and love his family, but he is not showing you love. He is showing you tolerance. What you are confusing as love is really his way of appeasing you, and pacifying you. He is telling you what you want to hear, but what he is showing you is something else. BOOM! BAM! POW! Wake up sweetie!

I suggest you take this time to reconsider if he is someone you really want to be with. What is he bringing to the table? Seriously, what is he bringing or contributing that adds to your life? Just like your child’s father, this man is in and out of your life. Your child is experiencing another man who is not consistent. Children need consistency. So, these appearances are not really relationship commitments, but when he is ready to play house and play in your bed. Pay attention and notice that these breaks are due to you having a child, and your readiness to be a family. You are the one who is being faithful, committing 100 percent of yourself, and dedicating yourself to him. He is not doing so in return. You want to be married, and be a family. He does not.

Have you thought about dating a man who has children? Have you thought about dating a man who is more mature, and knows what he wants, and is ready to settle down and doesn’t mind you having a child? These are things you should consider as you’re on you’re on your break, and what you really desire and want. He may be a great guy, but great guys will at least give you a title, and not play these games with you. Stop giving him passes, it just allows him to continue to play in the streets while you’re at home sulking and wondering what’s the status of your relationship. – Terrance Dean

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