Saving Yourself From a Narcissist: Near Impossible, But Absolutely Necessary
Whether in conversations with colleagues or clients, I am faced time and time again with the real possible reality that there is a narcissism epidemic in our world.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorers-5th Edition (DSM-5), approximately .5 to 1 percent of the general population meets the criteria for this rare disorder and, of those, 50-75% are male. This personality disorder is defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior with others), a constant need for admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy. Behind this mask of seemingly extreme self-confidence lies a very fragile self-esteem vulnerable to the slightest perceived criticism from others.
The women I work with, ranging in age from high school through their sixties, confirm a similar experience when in a relationship with a narcissist. They report significant problems across areas of the person’s life, including intimate relationships, work, school, or finances. Women in intimate relationships with a narcissist repeatedly describe working overtime to “fix” their relationship, while simultaneously walking on pins and needles and feeling as though they never quite measure up. The women speak of the unending need for admiration or special favors, and the anger and unhappiness that result when these (impossible) needs are not met. This leaves the women confused, unfulfilled and, oftentimes, in real emotional and physical danger.
According to the Mayo Clinic (www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662), signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, as well as the severity of symptoms, vary. People with the disorder may:
Have a grandiose sense of self-importance
Expect to be recognized as superior, even without the achievement that warrants it
Have a sense of entitlement, and expect constant, excessive admiration
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Believe they are superior and can associate only with equally superior individuals
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance beauty, or the perfect mate
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they believe to be inferior
Expect special favors and ongoing and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability, or unwillingness, to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others are envious of them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited or pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything – such as a car, home, clothing, or office.
Sound familiar? Keep reading…
Now, when the above expectations of a narcissist are not met (as they are truly unreasonable and impossible) the implications for the one in a relationship with a narcissist are significant. When their endless needs are not met, the narcissist:
Becomes impatient or angry when they are not given specific attention, resulting in belittling or demeaning their intimate partner
Has significant interpersonal problems; feelings of being slighted lead them to lash out verbally, emotionally, and behaviorally
Reacts with rage or contempt, trying to belittle the other person to restore their sense of superiority and their partners compliance with their expectations
Has difficulty regulating emotions and behaviors
Experiences major problems positively and proactively dealing with stress and adjusting to change
Feels depressed or moody when they are confronted that they fall short of perfection
Has secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
Is this sounding even more familiar?
Though these personality characteristics exude hostility and are sure to alienate others, particularly their intimate partners, what the narcissist fears most is abandonment. Women in relationships with narcissists repeatedly speak of the alienating and belittling way they are treated, yet are aware the narcissist seems to always want them around. Quite confusing.
Being in a marriage, or any intimate relationship, with a narcissist, is a soul-draining experience. You are emotionally, energetically and physically drained by the calculated form of torture; the constant and pervasive criticism of you wears away at your sense of self. Until, one day, you look up and wonder how you became the shell of the person you once knew.
So, what are you to do?? The one necessary thing that protects you, and terrifies the narcissist: LEAVE!
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is best treated by a licensed psychologist experienced in working with narcissists. Those who are in, or are leaving, a relationship with a narcissist should seek treatment from a licensed professional therapist as well. While the initial goal is to safely disengage from the current intimate relationship, a longer term goal is to be certain the pattern does not repeat itself in the future. The longer term goal is to pick a healthy intimate partner and build a strong, mutually validating intimate relationship. The goal is to be truly, permanently free!
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