Almost exactly three months have passed since my last post.  I’d love to say it is because I’ve been just sooooooooooo busy daaaahlink that I simply haven’t had the time.  While I’ve had a lot on, and been here, there and everywhere (well, okay on two trips), that isn’t really the reason.  Is it because Ryan Gosling has FINALLY come to his senses and spent the last three months BEGGING me to be with him.  Well obviously that’s true, but it hasn’t stopped me from coming on here (I said no btw; I’m just not into this long distance relationship malarkey).  So what’s my issue?  Well, essentially I’m a big, fat, galumphing, lazy CHICKEN.  When things are going well, I’m quite happy to come on here and spout lots of rubbish for my one or two readers to trawl through, but when things don’t quite go to plan I do that whole kid thing where they cover their eyes so that means you can’t see them.  My not writing another blog post is the adult-equivalent, because if I cover my eyes, well, you won’t see that, and i’ll just feel stupid, and, actually I have no clue what I’m talking about……

 

Aaaaaaanyway, despite the fact my last post was really positive and I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction, basically I managed to just fuck it all up again.  I should be blatantly aware of this, but when I get busy, my organisational skills just up and leave.  Food planning goes out the window.  Cooking properly goes out the window, basically everything good that keeps me on track hits the skids.  So fast forward three months and I’m back to square one again.  Sigh.  I know.  You don’t need to say it, I already know I’m a twat of epic proportions.

 

So I sat myself down (for a change) and tried to give myself a very stiff talking to.  I really did.  I thought of all the reasons why I need to get a grip (health being the main reason).  I even cleared out my cupboards of anything ‘bad’, but to be honest since I don’t buy crap foods when I head to the supermarket, there wasn’t really much to clear out.  Try as I might, I just haven’t been able to sort myself out.  So that’s why I’m back on here, whittering away.  The whole reason I started this blog was to make myself accountable.  I know I need to make some serious changes in my life, and I’m reminded every time I look in the mirror.  Over the years though, I’ve become very good at hiding away the issues and making jokes about it, and pretending to the outside world that I’m in much better control of my food issues that I really am.  Of course I’m not sure who I’m kidding because I’m not getting any slimmer, so it doesn’t take a genius to work out where the problems lie.  I can cook pretty well, and can easily make myself nutritious meals with good proteins, veggies and good fats.  That isn’t the issue.  The problem is that I’ll then just nip to the garage and, oh look! 4 Toffee Crisps for £1!!  Then eat them all.  Oh crap though, I forgot I already had a cake at work.  Too late.  Or I’ll decide I can’t actually be arsed to cook and nip to the Co-Op and buy a flatbread to shove in the oven.  Might as well get some chocolate to munch on the way home……  Or the other favourite is being starving when I get in from work and eat some shite that I picked up on the way home, and then not actually have an appetite for dinner, so I’ll just skip that.  Of course all this means I’ve got no energy so can’t be assed to go to the gym, and the hellish cycle just perpetuates.

 

Logically I know this is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, but I think it has just been a habit for so long, that I don’t even think about it.  I could spend months paying for psychs to work out why, or just realise that actually years of really low self-esteem have more than likely led to a lot of self-sabotage, and I’ve just not broken the bad, ingrained habits.  Sugar is a real issue for me, and I’ve gone on about that before, so I won’t now, but essentially I need to ‘get it tae fuck’, as we say in Scotland, and then start to reintroduce the good habits I had been working on in my last post.  Despite the fact I actually feel totally ashamed at all the secret eating I do (secret in as much as I would never admit just how much crap I eat), and I really hate being overweight, I don’t have the same self-esteem, self-loathing issues I used to when I was younger.  I’m a pretty confident person, and happy with everything else bar my weight.  I know that I’m the only person that can change it, and the best way for me to get back on track is to use this blog as I originally intended – to keep myself accountable.  I know that accountability really helps me, because as soon as I try to hide something, I know it is only because I’m ashamed of it, or know it isn’t right (you know, like the boyfriend you don’t want to introduce to your friends because you know they’ll think he’s a total arsehole, but you’re trying to kid yourself he isn’t?  Yep, been there.  Now I’ve just swapped some numpty for a Toffee Crisp).  I also want to establish good habits again, and I know waffling on about them in blog posts will help me, even if it bores everyone else to death.  Soooooooo, what’s the plan?  Well, i’m going to start tracking my weight loss in here, probably every couple of weeks unless I can think of exciting things to say every week (“PLEASE GOD NO!!!”, I hear you cry, horror-stricken at the thought of regular ramblings.  Sorry though, there is NO escape).

Also I *may* have decided on a race for next year, so I’ll need to ramble on about training (writing about it counts as actually doing it, right?), but more about that in my next post (see?  There is the hook.  You need to tune in again).  I may include a Gosling pic, just to keep you interested, and yes guys, that means you too.  Everyone loves the Gosling.

Until next time (Monday).

Toodle pip.