If you’ve taken even a passing interest in your local kink scene, you’ve probably heard the word “munch” being bandied about. Maybe you’ve been advised to go to one. Maybe someone has even told you that going to a munch is a good first step towards being more involved in the kink scene.
Well, they’re right. Munches are, by in large, fun, low-pressure events where you can get to know lots of kinky people. As kinky things go, they’re the least scary kind of event to attend.
But what exactly is a munch, and what should you expect there? What should you wear? How should you behave? Will you be able to make lots and lots of lifelong friends?
Good questions, all of them. And while I can’t say for certain what the atmosphere at your local munch will be, I can tell you everything I know about going to a munch, and what that’s usually like. Maybe that’ll help…
Contents
How do I find a munch to attend?
What is a munch?
Right, yes – backing up somewhat: a munch is an event where kinky people gather in a pub, bar, or other public space and hang out. Nothing too exciting happens there (everyone usually keeps their clothes firmly on), but they’re a great way to make friends in the kink scene.
The name comes from a group of Californian kinky folk, who started organising regular hangouts in burger joints (where they would “munch” on burgers and fries) back in the early 1990s. They proved popular, and the idea spread. Now pretty much any kinky gathering that isn’t directly geared towards play is called a munch. Here ends the history lesson.
Most of the time munches are pretty relaxed. Expect people to either be chilling out and having some lunch, or milling around a pub or bar. Sometimes a specific area or back room will be booked to afford a little bit of semi-privacy, but often munches are held out in the open, behind vanilla lines.
It’s not super common, but some munches will involve people making announcements about other events, giving demonstrations, or doing other cool things that require you to hush up for a bit and look to the front. Even then, attendees can always drift in and out as they please. Like I say, munches are extremely low-key.
How do I find a munch to attend?
Things are organised in different ways in different parts of the world, but for the most part FetLife is the place to be. Join, fill out your profile to whatever degree you’re comfortable with, set your location and hit “Events”. You’ll find a list of everything that’s going on in your area.
“Play parties” are different from munches. At parties you can expect to see people doing kinky things to one another. If that interests you, here’s a guide to attending your first play party.
For now, we’re interested in munches, which might also be called kinky drinkies, sloshes, crunches, or any other vaguely similar variation on the theme of kinky people going to the pub.
Specialist munches
There are a couple of common variations on the standard munch. The most prevalent one of these is TNG, which stands for The Next Generation. Sounds pretty cool, right? It basically just means people under 35, although it’s rare for anyone to take the age barrier really really seriously. Munches are usually pretty relaxed, remember?
Other variations you might encounter include sloshes (munches where only liquid refreshment is available), crunches (munches where everyone goes clubbing once night falls), littles munches (aimed at people who are into ageplay), and munches aimed at particular fetishes (hypnosis munches, knife play munches, edge play munches, etc).
Pick a munch that sounds friendly and fun, read the event page so you know about any special rules, then get dressed and head on over there.
What should I wear?
Normal clothes. Try and look vaguely smart if you want to create a good impression. Because munches usually take place in public places fetishwear is rarely mandatory. Indeed it’s quite often frowned upon.
Why is this? Believe it or not, kinky stuff still freaks out some ordinary people. And since most munches take place in venues that are shared with ordinary people, strutting around in a full latex catsuit might raise a few eyebrows. Raise too many eyebrows amongst the bar’s vanilla patrons, and you may find that the group isn’t welcome back there next month.
Who will I talk to?
Munches are pretty friendly places, and generally speaking it’s okay to talk to anyone present. You’re all there because of a common interest, after all. Observe the normal rules of politeness (don’t butt into conversations, no violent screaming, try not to spit when you talk), and you’ll find that it’s pretty easy to join any conversation that’s happening nearby.
Bad at joining conversations? No problem. I’ve got you. Here are some simple magic words that should work 99% of the time when introducing yourself to a new little cluster of humans at a munch. Memorise and use as you will:
“Hello. I’m new here.”
If the conversation doesn’t take flight from there, other safe opening topics include:
- “How did you find out about this munch?”
- “Have you been to other munches or events?”
- “Do you live locally or are you visiting the area? What’s the scene like where you’re from?”
- “How do you like this pub/bar/boudoir/underground speakeasy?”
You might be looking at those suggested openers and wondering why they’re all so… tame. After all, munches are kink events. Aren’t people there to talk about their innermost filthy desires?
Well, yes and no. Most people you meet at a munch will be pretty open and willing to chat about kink stuff… but won’t want to start the conversation there. Talk about normal stuff, like you would with any random person in a pub or bar, then strike out into the territory of fetish and filth when you naturally arrive at its border.
I’m still kinda nervous
If you’re at all worried about not having anyone to speak to (or if you’re just generally nervous about attending a munch) get in touch with the organiser via FetLife beforehand. Quite often they’ll be happy to meet you at the start of the event and set you up with some friendly conversation buddies. Isn’t that lovely?
How do I behave at a munch?
Like a normal human being, mostly. If there are any special rules, the event description will tell you about them, but most of the time you should conduct yourself as though you’re hanging out with some people you don’t know that well in a pub.
Because that’s what you are actually doing.
A few general exceptions to live by are that you shouldn’t take photos, and should try to avoid looking like you’re taking pictures on your phone. It gets everyone’s back up. People in the kink scene are (reasonably) sensitive about privacy, see?
Unless the description says otherwise, don’t be too overt. Most of the time you can get away with a casual-looking collar or a vaguely kinky accessory… but most munches are organised in public places, and the venue might not necessarily know that it’s a kink event. If you dress inappropriately, or loudly discuss kink stuff in earshot of vanilla patrons, the venue (and thus the organisers) will both have something to say about it.
Also at a munch: be careful about touch. This is something which people in the kink scene expect an unusual degree of sensitivity about. Ask before touching anything that belongs to someone else. Only touch other people if invited to do so. Handshakes are usually fine, but you may want to ask before hugging someone you don’t know.
Bit excessive? Yes – but it’s a sound policy to definitely avoid causing offence down the line.
Common issues with munching
I’m worried about fitting in
Munches are, overall, way more friendly and accepting that most people expect. You don’t need to dress a certain way, look a certain way, speak a certain way, or know a certain amount about kink in order to be there.
If someone at a munch implies that you don’t belong, or makes you feel bad about the way you look or dress, ditch that conversation and find some better humans to talk to. Most people you meet on the scene will be friendly and lovely, but there are always exceptions to this rule.
I had a bad time
Why? If you can work out what it was about the munch (not enough seating, too many people, too loud, too quiet, too many perverts, too many vanillas, etc) that didn’t float your boat, then you are in a great position to start your own munch that dodges those shortcomings.
If you’ve been turned off by a particular issue, you can bet other people have been too – so why not start something for them, and enrich your local kink scene in the process? Get in touch with me if you want some specific advice about starting a munch or other event.
I don’t like munches
It’s fine to be anti-social. Seriously. I enjoy connecting with people one-on-one way more than I do in group settings. Sometimes I can’t stand the thought of going to a crowded pub and spending a lot of energy talking to people. If you’re in the same boat, you don’t have to go to munches.
Munches are just one small part of the kink scene. Don’t listen to people who tell you munches are the only way to make friends or vet potential play partners. They are 100% not. Meeting people one-on-one, going to parties, exploring with close friends, or dating online are all just as legitimate ways of engaging with the scene.
I had an awkward encounter
You can expect to meet a few eccentric characters at your local munch, but if someone does something really weird or makes you feel very uncomfortable, it’s vital that you tell someone. Speak to one of the organisers. Tell one of the cool people you met earlier in the night. Tell a stranger.
By speaking up if someone makes you uncomfortable, you can help make the munch a better place to be in the future, for you and for everyone involved. After all, it’s a community that you’re a part of now. It is, in a sense, yours.
Really helpful information. That doesn’t sound too scary! 🤩
I was definitely nervous before attending my first munch. But, in the end, it turned out to be nothing more frightening than some regular social interaction. Phew.