So January so far has been me writing a couple of poems, cleaning up, returning to a mundane job, and not getting enough sleep.

I can’t determine if it is seasonal affective disorder that is the culprit with all of the cloudy and rainy and dreary days. Or if it’s because Christmas is over and I had to return to work, or if I’m just not happy with my work.

Reading this aloud I’m thinking- wow, classic case of first world problems. A lot of people have no home and no job and have no clue what seasonal affective disorder means or is. So the fact that I have more than I need makes me feel bad for saying this stuff.

But I have slipped into a kind of funk and I just don’t feel that well. I think a part of it is, that even though I have a better job, I am still doing something I don’t love for people who don’t appreciate it. And I keep seeing people doing things that they want to do and they’re having fun with what they do because they they have made their dreams come true instead of someone else’s.

I think part of that is it, I am not looking to be rich, but at least if I’m going to be working for someone else and making them bag loads of money, I want to be well off while doing so. I am not getting any younger as none of us are, and I feel that this is a time that I’m going to have to be serious about my own vision for my life and for my loved ones.

I want to be the best version of myself. Truly. Not just as a saying. I am so blessed to be in a better financial place, but I can’t really be ultimately satisfied unless I am being creative. It has been a pattern in all of the jobs that I’ve had. I go in so happy and so gung-ho miss positive Patty and in a few months I am negative Nelly all of a sudden. I don’t mean for this to happen.

I think that having a couple of weeks to work from home during the holidays because business was slow was a bad thing for me. Being at home and being with people whom I love and respect made me sort of resent going back to work I guess. As my guy said, I need to make a change or change my response to what is going on around me.

I can either look for another job, not let my emotions get involved in my response to the people for whom I work or find a way to be creative while at work and ride this thing out for a while. I’m probably going to shoot for at least a year and a half here. It is not a bad environment and they are pretty flexible on hours. It’s just I don’t think I’m as well suited for this as others think that I am. I don’t feel joy or satisfaction.

A lot of it is that I am a fairly intelligent human being and I am totally smashing it on the job, but it is either they micromanage too much or they are hands off completely for weeks. And when they decide to step back in sporadically, they will catch me off guard and come at me in a way that makes me feel inept. But the truth of the matter is they just don’t get what is going on. I really hate that and I do not feel very valued. Some things that have happened as of late, show me how they truly feel and I am really producing for these folks!

So, my thoughts on how to feel better about this all:

1. Find 30 minutes a day to read and write.

2. Spend time with God, via the Bible, sermons, devotionals.

3. Bring exercise back in 3 days per week to start.

4. Set as much money to the side as possible.

5. Find a way to work for myself again (most satisfactory experience working, ever).

5. Strive to be more grateful by writing down what I am thankful for.

6. Make my time as productive as possible so that I am not literally taking work home.

Is it realistic to want to be happy in all aspects of life? Maybe not, but I want to be. As I get older, I only want to spend time on people/places/experiences that bring bliss. How about you?

Does any one of you have the whole whole enchilada? If so, I would like to know how you got there and how it feels.

simply~

Dee