I have worked 29 years for the same local government employer, both as a criminal prosecutor (two years) and civil attorney (27 years).  Since my appointment as city attorney in 1995, my prosecutors and I have chuckled together at misspellings and grammatical errors in police reports and witness statements.  Spell check contributes to the humor by suggesting incorrect words based off deficient spelling.  I began keeping a list of these comic faux pas.  For years, in my weekly staff meetings, I have “required” (actually merely invited) my staff of four to bring to the meeting their “funnies” for the week.  Inevitably, one of us has a funny to share.  Some are zanier than others; many elicit guffaws and giggles.  I will share some of my favorites with you here, drawn from my 20-page single-spaced collection.  I am not poking fun at my law enforcement colleagues, for whom I have great and enduring respect and appreciation, but am simply finding light-hearted humor in humanity’s frequent communication gaffes.  Today I gave Mom an updated copy of the full list, and could hear her laughing for an hour from her recliner.  I hope you, too, find them amusing.

• The suspect put a leach on the dog.  (leash)
• The officer explained the rabies vacation requirements for dogs.  (vaccination)
• The suspect placed his feet in the potion as instructed.  (position)
• The officer performed Satanized Field Sobriety Tests on the subject.  (standardized)
• The suspect’s dog attacked the Minitour Pinscher.  (Miniature)
• The officer activated his eminency lights and initiated a traffic stop.  (emergency)
• Refer the suspect for charges of untheorized control of a motor vehicle.  (unauthorized)
• Refer the suspect for charges of assault on peach officer.  (peace officer)
• The detective was fluid in Spanish.  (fluent)
• The suspect did not loose concussions from falling on his head.  (lose consciousness)
• The suspect stole the change despiser from the till.  (dispenser)
• The officer saw her in the car huffing from a can of arousal duster.  (aerosol)
• While the officer was exciting his vehicle, the suspect excited the home.  (exited)
• The suspects were yelling back and forth searing at each other.  (swearing)
• The suspect had preciously mixed a drink.  (previously)
• The suspect was a heavy guy with black bear driving in a red Honda.  (beard)
• The suspect stated he had smoked a bowel full of marijuana.  (bowl-full)
• The dog was loose and wondering outside.  (wandering)
• The officer notified the city reprehensive.  (representative)
• The witness said there was a costumer in the store.  (customer)
• The defendant is to enter an impatient drug treatment program.  (in-patient)
• The suspect singed the citation.  (signed)
• The wittiness was later identified.  (witness)

(Image by Jupi Lu from Pixabay.)