Week two of the auditions, and we’re all still waiting for this year’s *wow* moment. Would we see it this week?
Almost. When “51”-year-old Christine Wilkes came on stage, you could feel the country’s indrawn breath: here was an ugly woman in ugly clothes, who was surely – for such is the classic BGT narrative – poised to astound us with her angelic voi…oh christ, what is that? She sings even worse than she looks, and given that she looks like a heroin-addicted dinnerlady fitted with Chris Brown‘s teeth, that is very very badly indeed.
Three noes, and off stomped Christine. Was there anyone decent auditioning this week? Let’s see…
The Regurgitator. A man who swallows balls performing on a stage in front of visually-impressed Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan? No, not a description of last year’s BGT Christmas office party. Tsk, you dirty-minded lot.
No, this was Stevie Starr, aka The Regurgitator, aka The Man You Should Befriend While On Holiday In Amsterdam This Year.
Because Stevie is – due to a sad and violent upbringing in a children’s home – able to swallow anything, up to and including pool balls, and then spazz them back up into his mouth in whatever order you’d like.
Amanda Holden was impressed:
“I did find it fascinating, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
…she said, while her microphone quite clearly picked up the clicks and whirs from within her abdomen as she discreetly attempted to replicate the process.
Simon donned his sincere, thoughtful face – quite clearly pondering other uses for a chap with no gag reflex.
And we’re pretty sure Piers was trying to say something with his loosely-attached jaw, but sadly we just heard the sound of sixteen frogs having an orgy in a vat of whipped cream.
Do let us know if you ever manage to decipher his “words”.
The Arrangement. When this collection of smart-arsed posh kids with musical instruments and ludicrous hairstyles piled onto the stage, we’ll admit we laughed. You did too, right? Laughed with merry abandonment that these precocious children were about to play some Beethoven, badly, and then get mercilessly ripped into by the gleaming fangs of Cowell.
Thirty seconds later, the laughter had gone. Replaced by a cushion-biting, sphincter-twisting, cat-hurling cloud of pain and despair. Would this never end? Piers, Amanda, press those damn buzzers already. Send these Toms, Ollies and Cassandras back to their boarding schools and buggery.
Sadly, the two judges were entranced by the gurning little schoolboy, with his fork-in-the-electrical-socket dancing and his pseudo-operatic take on pop music.
The audience were thoroughly taken in as well, whooping and hollering like a roomful of chimpanzees who’ve just smelt smoke. However, do please spare a thought this week for the bald bloke who was caught – in a moment of absolute, sparkly-headed insanity – turning to his mate, laughing, and doing a silly little chair-boogie with his arms. That guy’s week is going to be hell.
Inevitably, The Arrangement are going far in this series. Which quite honestly pains us more than you can imagine.
The Transvestite. Now, this is more like it. This, right here, was classic TV talent show stuff.
Odd-looking guy with a bit of a weird voice? Check. Suspicion that he might be a bit slow, so unsure whether we should laugh at him or not? Check. Strong self belief, despite previous two statements? Check. Transforms himself through transvestisism into a flamboyant and dominating stage presence? Check.
Not all that good, really, but the audience and judges love him? Hell yeah.
Max Oliver gave the performance of his life, flouncing around dressed as Lady Gaga and bellowing at the audience like an enraged bull elephant in a bikini. Simon hated him, his eyes spinning wildly, like ping pong balls in a tumble drier. But Piers, Amanda and the audience were sufficiently entranced by the tranny that he lived to see another day on stage.
Good luck, young man.
Just generally, we mean; because your life is about to become one long series of 12-year-olds in hoodies throwing stuff at you.
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Siobhan says
Just to say that I know the people in The Arrangement from our STATE sixth form college (no boarding anywhere). The whole act is meant to be a joke and to take the piss. The producers make them say all that crap. You wouldn’t be able to find nicer, down-to-earth people anywhere else. Cut them some slack, get behind the people that aren’t insane but the ones who are intelligent, going somewhere and like to have a laugh and take the mick out of themselves. Why does it all have to be such negativity?
Nestov Ratz says
“The producers make them say all that crap”
How do they “make” them do that, Siobhan? Mind control? Hypnosis?
“Why does it all have to be such negativity?”
Taking the piss (to use your charming words) is a positive thing in your mind?
Beardwood says
Just found your blog mate! You really are a royal cunt aren’t you? The Arrangement, a STATE SCHOOL group of talented musicians with brilliant sense of humour do a bit of crossover and you get all scared. I think you may just have missed the point of the act, but never mind you can just go and whinge on your blog whilst wanking over pictures of your mum. brilliant career path your going down you sad fuck, probably an overweight spotty 48 year old with no prospect who can only feel good about yourself if you slag off a bunch of teenagers on the internet. they’re all quality musicians who are ironically mocking popular r-n-b in an extremely well executed classical style – its fucking awesome, your a judgemental wanker who’s clearly scared of someone actually achieving something in their life unlike you. fucking rim.
HOLLYBERRY says
BAHAHA It’s a shame that you think people that are intelligent and well spoken have to, of course, be from private schools, oh and yes be stuck up twats…er where’ve you been?? I’m sorry you’re unfortunate not to have a sense of humour…and my god how big headed are you to think you’re right when the whole audience were on their feet joining in with the HILARIOUS act. I know them and they are all lovely people!! The whole point of the act is for them to come across completely opposite to the funny performance!!!! ANYway have fun being an idoit and a boring miserable pooooooooooo
MrNik says
Hmm… you say in your blog that in the end all 3 judges, and the audience ended up enjoying the act, and that the rest of britain probably will too (“Inevitably, The Arrangement are going far in this series”). What the fuck makes you so much more qualified to judge them? I guess you use “the royal we” (speaking about yourself in plural, incase you don’t know what that means), but presuming that you’re not royalty, i guess you’re just an arrogant fucking prick, with nothing better to do than try and slag off teenagers who’ve already achieved more than you ever will, famous as your blog is.
Cunt.
MrNik says
“How do they
TheGenius says
Yeah… what he said ^^^^^^^^
Paul Gibson says
Hi, dad.
See you later, can you make sure I turned the washing machine off? Ta.
Nestov Ratz says
Good heavens! This is why I am having my kids educated privately. You all need a good clip round the ear, be sent to bed with no supper, and to wash your filthy mouths out with carbolic soap. I can only assume that this tirade of profanities is on behalf of your school chums, The Arrangement.
It is as if a feral genetic mutation of Gordon Ramsay and The Bash Street Kids has been manifested by diabolic rite. I just noticed that you have also chosen to attach your satanic imprecations to my little blog as well.
You all offer a good argument for the return of corporal punishment, National Service, and the gold standard. Mary Whitehouse must be spinning in her grave.
Nestov Ratz
richard bobo says
They’re young. Leave the arrangement alone. You try doing better Paul. I’d happily watch you fail.
Thomas midgley says
Why should we be subjected to “capital punishment” for standing up to bullies who are being nasty. It’s a shame nobody reads this pathetic blog because if they did they’d discover how much of a rim Paul Gibson is.
Donald Nixon says
Paul gibson what a hero!!!! The arrangement are awful. No wait… They’re actually really funny. This is a rubbish article. Paul Gibson will never be funny.
Nestov Ratz says
I think you should investigate the difference between “capital punishmnent” and “corporal punishment” Thomas. Trying asking a teacher during your breaktime. I don’t think that anyone is suggesting that the electric chair should be used to restore discipline and good behaviour in schools.
I was making reference to the tsunami of disgusting language that seems to be coming from teenage Cambridge in support of The Arrangement. In my day we wouldn’t dare speak like that.
What on earth is a “rim”? What language do you speak please? Do you support my position on the gold standard at least?
n says
All the comments here made me laugh … you guys need to lighten up, jeez.
Toby spence says
I think these people are entitled to be rude to you if you are slagging off a group of kids you rim. Get a life.
Noel fielding says
I liked the arrangement. I think you’re being harsh.
Croogy says
Glad I don’t live in America. I couldn’t bare to be around so many rims. Go the arrangement!
Pooby says
What on earth is a rim?
Pooby says
Oh that’s what a rim is. Is that like a common British phrase? I would agree with the way you’re using it. I guess Paul gibson is a rim.
Tony brown says
Yeah i guess Paul Gibson is an unfunny rim but I think nestov ratz is a far greater rim. Everything he says is rimmish.
Nestov Ratz says
Talking to youself, Pooby? Not a good sign. My aunt did that just before they sectioned her. I think it might be a word invented by the charming teenagers of Cambridgeshire (that is a county in England by the way)
Pooby says
No I found out what rim meant. I’m from Brooklyn, NY. I didn’t understand this word till now. And I agree with these brits when saying you are in fact a royal rim.
Swiss says
“This is why I am having my kids educated privately.” Didn’t work out too well for yourself mate, there’s a lot of shit coming out of your mouth; ever considered voting Conservative?
Stuart Heritage says
Your argument would be a lot more compelling if you didn’t have a British IP address, Pooby. Just saying.
booey mo says
“However, do please spare a thought this week for the bald bloke who was caught
Nestov Ratz says
A royal rim? Is that different from a common or garden rim I wonder? I am starting to suspect the term is some form of street slang used by Vicki Pollard types. For our American friend that is a reference to a particular demographic in British society. A similar term in the US would be trailer park trash, Pooby.
MrNik says
The Rim is the Sphincter that is found in your anus.
You tit.
RimCommander says
Rim.
Jim says
Hey nestov ratz
do you rim your bum buddy paul gibson lolololololol
you filthy brown nose
Heavenlybody says
I agree with the comments of the majority – people should just ignore you
pooby says
shut up you daft prick