I probably won’t be posting for the next couple weeks or so. Lisa and I will be off on vacation.
In case you’re wondering, I wound up on a slightly modified version of the last drug change. Those half days I referred to earlier were a killer. Very high levels of anxiety, so we had to do something. Things seem to be settling in now. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be any real stability.
Yet Another Prostate Cancer Blog 
Enjoy your vacation. Hope that means some more great pictures.
Thanks, I hope so too!
Good to take a break. take care.
Thanks, I hope a little time away will help me recharge and stabilize.
Have a wonderful time. I hope you are both recharged and stabilized.
Well put. We both need it.
So far so good. The weather isn’t very inviting here in Rome, but that’s OK, we’re still enjoying ourselves.
Hope you are enjoying a much-needed break… Best wishes…
Thank you. For the most part the trip has been great. Unfortunately, we didn’t really get my cocktail fine tuned as much as needed. Anxiety in the morning has been pretty bad, but at least it passes by late afternoon. More updates after we return.
I’m not sure there’s anything I can say that would truly comfort you. But I still want to try. I think I’ve said before that the issues you are wrestling with are the most crucial and intense a human can experience. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I want to validate that again. However you end up coping or not coping, you have nothing to apologize for. (I agree that anyone who tells you you aren’t looking hard enough for happiness is a lunatic a–hole.) I still hope your life can be something you want to live. Short or long, raging or calm, aggressive or complacent, I hope you can still feel alive. I hope that when you have a good hour, you can live in that hour. And if the good hours become too few and there are no more words to say, I hope you have people who will touch you without speaking and allow you to absorb as much silent love as possible. I hope you can continue to have the odd moment of peace over a cocktail or a drive or a funny child. I hope I don’t sound like I’m trying to be poetic at your expense. I hope my words are actually conveying the desire I feel to support you as you negotiate this terrible, terrible road. And I still hope that road takes a miraculous turn.
You worry too much about offending me. 😉 I know you write from the heart and you write with a style that flows. The apologies disturb the flow.
Right now my life is too chaotic to be acceptable. The lows are so draining that they leave little energy for the ups. There was a time I sought comfort. Now I seek relief. I’m asymptomatic for God’s sake. I’m not on chemo. I’ve had no surgeries. I want the weight I carry to lift enough so that I can breath and enjoy more than just snippets of life. That may not be in the cards for me. I know that. But I am going to try to get there.
Keep trying! And I’ll keep hoping! (I’d like to say I’ll stop apologizing, too, but I’m afraid it’s in my genes, so there are no guarantees.)
I think maybe I should apologize. The tone of my response was unintended. I wrote it as we were flying home. Once we got back, I found out I had a 101 degree fever. At least I can say I was in the moment when I wrote it. Relief really was all I wanted. I do appreciate the comfort you offer and thankfully take it.
Now you’re apologizing unnecessarily! Guess it’s contagious. I have no idea what “tone” you’re talking about, so no worries! Hope your fever broke in time for the holidays.
No problem then! The fever broke that night actually. I’m still fighting off the last remnants of the chest and head congestion that seem to be part of this flu. Hopefully, I’ll be 100% by the end of the week.