I’m thankful for the ah-ha moments God orchestrates in my life. One that was so helpful to me was “if it’s in my heart, it’s on my face!”
What’s on my Face?
We were mentoring a couple who had a lot of conflict. Not only did they exchange disrespectful words, I noticed the wife had a very expressive face and the husband had a very expressive voice. Literally every time he spoke, her eyes would roll. And every time he talked about his wife, his voice dripped with sarcasm.
We didn’t have to be mind-readers to know they each had disrespect in their hearts. And we knew from their marriage assessment that their relationship was in deep trouble.
I asked the wife about her rolling eyes when we were alone. “Are you aware that every time he talks, your eyes roll?”
She was shocked, she had no idea.
That really made me think! I had a very difficult relationship with an extended family member. I asked my husband if my eyes rolled when I was around them. He wasn’t sure so I asked him to pay attention next time we were together.
In the meantime I really didn’t think I even knew how to roll my eyes. I tried practicing in front of a mirror. Sure enough, it didn’t seem that I knew how to roll my eyes. It felt so awkward and unfamiliar!
On the way home from a family visit, I heard, “Oh YES! Your eyes rolled!” Just like my friend, I had no idea what I held secretly in my heart was evident on my face for all to see.
Facial Action Coding System
Rolling eyes and sarcasm are outward signs of disrespect and contempt on the inside. I was surprised to learn several years ago that everyone’s face reveals what’s happening on the inside, even if we aren’t aware of it! Many times these facial expressions happen so fast they are dubbed “micro-expressions.”
The Facial Action Coding System (FACS) is the result of years of research, and includes training and workshops to help professionals recognize micro-expressions. The system has been used by police and investigators, as well as for the TV show, Lie to Me.
These micro-expressions are almost impossible to suppress, and without training, almost impossible to recognize. But our brains do pick up on them, perhaps giving us a vague feeling of happiness or alarm, depending on the emotion being transmitted.
Have you ever met someone and walked away feeling like something was odd, they just didn’t seem to like you even though you couldn’t exactly put your finger on why? You probably felt that way because your brain was reacting to a micro-expression.
What’s in my Heart?
I realized my rolling eyes were betraying disrespect toward my family member. What was on my face was an outward sign of what was going on inside me.
I had two choices:
- Take the FACS training class (or perhaps join the CIA) and learn to hide the micro-expressions that betrayed my hard heart
- Change my heart
I asked for God’s forgiveness and prayed for Him to change my heart.
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs, in “Respectfully Yours,” shared insights on respect vs. disrespect.
“The question we get asked most often from women is, “What does respect look like?” To which we often ask, “Do you know what disrespect looks like?” The answer is always, “Oh yes! I got that down.” And we respond, “Then do less of that.”
How to Change my Heart
Changing my heart can be done with God’s help. And prayer is a great place to start. At the end of this post, click on the link to download my free Prickly People Prayer Calendar. You will receive 30 days of prayer to help you in a prickly relationship, and 30 days of prayer for you-know-who!
Along with prayer, practice thinking and acting in a way that honors and respects your “prickly” person, whether that is your spouse or a family member or your neighbor.
Respect can be shown in these specific ways. When you are doing these things, your micro-expressions will lift him up.
- noticing him
- being interested in him
- cheering him on
- raving about him to your friends
- preferring him
- giving him the benefit of a doubt
- asking his opinion
- praising him
- loving him
- admiring him
Micro-expressions of disrespect and contempt are going to feel bad to your spouse even if he can’t recognize your micro-expression. Does that scandalize you like it did me? Here are examples of disrespect that we can all be aware of.
- ignoring him
- being disinterested in him
- booing him
- dissing him in front of your friends
- rejecting him
- doubting him
- going over his head without consulting him
- criticizing him
- being apathetic to him
- being disloyal to him
- disliking him
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4 NIV