comic comebacks

“Remember, I DO donate 10% of all my ransomware profits to Doctors Without Boarders.”
“Don’t you mean Without Borders?”
“Uhh … all right, you caught me. I actually only give 2% and it goes to Nurses Without Enough Cash On Hand For Lipo. Now you happy, old man?”

“… plus the dogs tracked in some snow.”

“… and slashed her tires, changed her radio presets, and stuffed a rabid skunk in her trunk.”

“That raises an interesting conundrum: Am I able to drop a deuce SO LARGE that even I couldn’t unclog it?”

“Okay, honey, I’ll go get you that light … – BAM! – “
“Oww! Grandma, where do we keep the bandages and the … – BAM! – “

“But, I didn’t say stop.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you two numbskulls. Santa has just got to bring me my very own credit card so I can buy Schlütt, that new app for hiring Scandinavian call girls! Oh, and a pair of socks. … What I have abnormally cold feet. It’s a medical condition! Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have told you two.”

“Boy, I could really go for a cigarette.”

“You are literally Hitler’s evil, untalented artist twin when it comes to coloring.”
“That’s fair.”

“Who, Karen Pence?”
“No, E.D.”
“Pretty sure mine is supposed to be like that, and yours is irreversible.”
“Why’d you have to go there, Nelson? We were having a perfectly enjoyable conversation. … No, that’s it; You’re out of the will.”

“Tomorrow is Tuesday.”
“Oh, I’m flying to Rome to hide in the Vatican’s ladies’ room until they close, and then I’m painting pants onto those disgusting naked cherubs on the Sistine Chapel. So many wangs! And you?”
“I’m doing my nails.”
“When?”
“Tuesday! God, pay attention!”

“Let’s watch ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ reruns and just cuddle on a couch at my place.”
“Will there be nachos?”
“No.”
“Pass.”

“Let’s see, ‘Question 1. How much hotter is the current First Lady than the previous First Lady?’. . . hmm . . . that’s easy, 28%.”

“Honey, he doesn’t understand English.”
“No, I was talking to you. God you’re so dumb! Also, make me Thursday tacos.”

“Mmm, but they still taste better than brains!”

“Now to just open this lid . . . ugh . . . and now to  just open this oven door . . . ugh . . . and now to just run through the living room squirting blood everywhere . . . YEEEEHAAAA!”

“Are you as turned on as I am?”

“Trixie, do you ever hear yourself think?”

“You know what that means.”
“Yes, one of us must die.”

“But I promised him I’d do that thing I do with my hand . . . you know . . . shadow puppets.”

“Joey, write that down. That’s gold.”

“Prehensile butt cheeks.”

“That. Son-of-a. Bitch!”

“Because it would really suck to get poison ivy, when you’ve already got such an advanced brain tumor.”
“I have no regrets. Except joining the army.”

“Hey Tommy, catch a fish, dumbass!”

“. . . when I am being held by a man wearing leather.”

“. . . not this garbage!”

“In other news, I’m still impotent.”

“My horoscope said I would kill a doctor’s assistant named Jim at an evening meal today!”

“At pinball?”
“No! At walking! Why would you say pinball? Argh! Why do I even bother waking you up!?!”

“. . . but I ask you, how will whales ever learn to walk on land if we keep pushing them back?”

“. . . But he found it harder and harder to find dates once his new nickname stuck.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. What’s his nickname?”
“The Sperminator.”

“Ever notice that Daddy has the figure of a young Melissa McCarthy?”

“ . . . though I don’t understand why you charge me for sex.”

“Yes, tell him that your dad’s new assistant is a grade A skank!”

“. . . Wait, you Pieces of sh*t didn’t even set the table!?!”
“Hey, easy on the swears! F*ckin’ Jesus is watching! Shit.”

“. . . I said, ‘How much can I pay you for a dog position?'”
“So rude.”

“And I was just about to tithe, assh*le!”

“ . . . I’m white!”

“Uhhh . . . never mind.”

“. . . and what the hell smells like freakin’ flautas!?!”

“Pipe down back there, Jamie!!!”

“Not if the dad could help it!”

“Dolly, that’s a catcher’s mitt.”

” . . . kinda like our love life.”

” . . . and why did that guy keep saying, ‘I guess y’all will be fixing to probe me ’bout now.’?”

“I’ll be at 7-11 stealing Cheetos, worst mom ever.”
“Wow, I really should up my game.”

“That is … a lot of vibrators.”

“I didn’t ask. But then we joined the Aisle Five Club! Ooh, baby!”

“Look around you. The universe is beautiful, and we spend most of our time with our eyes asleep or in our stupid boxes with lids on them. Every single moment of our lives is a waste of time.”
“Let’s get a Little Caesar’s Hot N’ Ready Pizza.”
“Oooh, yes!”

“THAT is the most depressing thing you’ve ever heard? HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD HOW MANY INNOCENT CHILDREN DIED IN THE IRAQ WAR!?!”
“The what now?”

“. . . but if King Tut fails, Marm gets his taxes done by King Tut’s accountant, and he chases him too!”
“The accountant or the cat?”
“They didn’t explain clearly, and when I pressed them for clarification, they ignored me.”

“Holy Hell! Your teacher is DJ Mrs. Muffintop? She’s the best god-damned disc jockey there is!”

“I wouldn’t know, Dolly. Try leaving once in a while.”
“F*ck you!”
“Yeah, f*ck you!”
“Yeah, f*ck you!”
“Phukk me!”
“No, PJ, it’s ‘Fuck you!’ But still, for your first words ever, not too f*ckin’ bad.”

“. . . also, the pet store says you’re not allowed back.”

“Bullshit! All my friends are dead!”

“What the hell happened to our house!?!”
“It burned to the ground. That’s just the 3-D printed chalk outline the investigators drew.”

“Ohhh, they sound dreamy!”
“Haha, right? Hey, wouldn’t it be super ironic and dumb if we kissed right now?”
“Oh. I’m really more into men in uniforms…”
“Oh.”
“Yeah … Sorry, Chip. I should go.”

“. . . dog scrota.”

“. . . I mean, it’s not like they’re sending us their best people.”

 

“. . . I’ve been seeing Garfield.”

“. . . We just gotta get that cartel its money back by 6 tonight!”

“No, it’s more of a performance art piece: I sit on 1,000 whoopee cushions in succession while singing ‘God Bless America.'”

“We don’t want you!”

“It’s amazing the fun you can have with just a bucket and some mud . . . and a couple of Swedish hookers.”

“ORRRR, He could put an end to world hunger . . . Just sayin’.”

“. . . especially ‘c**k bl****ng m*th** f***er’ in front of the Pope.”

“. . . mostly bank heists.”

“. . . and then degauss the polarity. The guy in produce told me I have to do that every Thursday or else.”