Lawyer’s Son

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honours. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”

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The Girlfriend 

Last night in Zhangzhou, Fujian province, China, a woman carrying a chopper went to a cinema fuming. The security guard stopped her and asked her why she was there.

She replied angrily…my husband inside the cinema with his girlfriend celebrating Lovers Day. I am going to teach him a lesson.

Security guard said it’s very dark inside. You will not be able to find him. Better wait outside the door n catch him on his way out. Woman agreed.

Meanwhile security guard asked the operator to flash a message on the screen.

‘Woman with chopper outside the door. Looking for husband watching movie with girlfriend. You are advised to leave quietly via the side door.’

Half the audience left immediately.

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Dog License

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?”

“No,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one.”

“Yes, he does,” answered the officer.

“But,” said the driver, “I always do all the driving.”

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Garbage Collection Service 

Scanning the phone book for a garbage collection service, I came across one that clearly wasn’t afraid to tackle any job.

Their ad read: “Residential hauling. All types of junk removed. No load too large or too small. Garages, basements, addicts.”

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Noisy Bar 

A guy walks into a pub and notices he’s the only one there beside the barman. He sits at the bar and orders a drink.

Taking a sip of his beer he hears a voice whisper ‘that’s a nice tie’. The man looks around the pub and there’s still no one else in the pub besides him and the barman.

He turns back and takes another swig of his beer and hears the whisper again ‘that’s a nice colour on you’.

He looks around the empty pub again, turns back to the barman and asks ‘are you talking to me?’

The barman replies, ‘I’m sorry that’s the beer nuts, they’re complimentary!’

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Redecorating Bathroom

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

“We haven’t got one here,” said the clerk.

“Oh, no,” I said crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.

“Hang on,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other out- lets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”

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Boasting Horse

A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

“Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn.”

The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

“Aw, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer.

“Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you $100,000 for the horse.”

Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”

While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?”

“Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar – he hasn’t won a race in his life.”

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Youth then and now?

Posted on June 6^th 2024 by irishroverpei

We often hear that today’s young people do not know hardship. Have no understanding of want, no respect, no interest. They have it too easy, they are lazy and dodge work. They are unfit, sit around all day playing video games. We have all heard this more than once, probably said it ourselves. Today’s youth have no idea about life like we once did, we learned the hard way. Our parents taught us manners and right from wrong, punished us when we did wrong. Today many elderly people would echo these sentiments, claiming todays youth don’t know what hardship is. Yet strangely in the 1930’s this is precisely what people said about the youth of the day. They were lazy, playboys, wasters, entitled and had no respect for their elders. Yet these same lazy youths became the few in the Battle of Britain, fought in Battle of the Atlantic, defeated Rommel in North Africa and marched into Berlin. Perhaps we might give some credit to our young people. They are the future, they are the protesters, they are the ones calling out polluters, corrupt politicians and corporations. They will shape the future, not us, we are tired and set in our ways. Today’s youth see the mess we have left them, the debt, the pollution, government corruption. They are left with the problems we created, they are the ones left to repair the damage. The future decisions are theirs, and I believe like the youth of the 1930s, they will prevail.
God Bless and keep reading.

Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? www.irishroversbooks.com

June 4th 1944 I was living in the sleepy fishing village of Padstow. Padstow is located in the West Country not too far from Cornwall. We were two days away from the most momentous battle of the Second World War. Padstow for the last few months had been a training area for Naval Commando’s. By June 4th they were gone, no one in the village knew why or where they had gone to. Padstow had, for the last few months been a restricted area . No one allowed in and no one allowed out, no phone calls and no mailing of letters. Security was that tight, but none of the villagers knew why. Of course on the morning of June 6th it became evident. The invasion of Europe had begun. D Day landings were taking place along the French coast at Normandy. For Hitler and his henchmen, the war was coming to them, the end was in sight. We should remember those brave men and women who took part in this battle, the biggest sea invasion in history..
God Bless and Remember June 6th 1944.
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Leviticus!!! Obviously some people need a rerun
Posted on June 3 #rd 2024 by irishroverpei
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It is time true Christians stood up and denounced these hypocrites that claim to know the “Word Of God” How about is old standby ” Thy Shalt Not Judge ”
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
God Bless and keep reading

The Piano

The piano tuner came into the church one afternoon and spoke to the music director. “I’m here to tune your piano,” he said matter-of-factly.

“But … but,” stammered the musician, “I didn’t call you.”

“That’s true,” said the tuner. “But several of your parishioners did.”

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Light Pun

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.

He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.

He then said, “Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: ‘Many hands make light work.'”

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Long-winded Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the crowd says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”

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Oneliners

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

If you solved the NY Times’ Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.

A word of advice… don’t give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in… therefore, I am.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases… deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn’t take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I’m retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Once you pass 40, your “big break” will probably be a bone.

Politics isn’t about hunger or taxes or equality… it’s about politics.

Management’s job is to keep ’em too busy to look for other jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

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Excuse Needed
The air force guys at Area 51 were surprised one day by a Cessna landing on the runway. It was immediately surrounded by the MP’s. The pilot was taken into custody for interrogation.

12 hours later after realising the pilot was actually lost and made a mistake the air force refuelled his plane, gave him directions to Vegas and sent him on his way with orders that he had never seen the base or the runway.

The next day to the amazement of the air force the very same Cessna landed on the runway. Again the MP’s surrounded the plane except this time there were two people in the plane.

The pilot from the day before steps out and turns to the nearest MP and says……”I don’t care what you do to me, but that’s my wife in the plane and you need to tell her where I was last night…..”

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Leftovers (Thanks to Mikey for this one)

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands’ attitudes towards leftovers:

“It gets rough,” one said. “My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns.”

“You think you have it bad,” was the reply. “Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!”

“That’s nothing compared to me,” said the third lady. “My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!”

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Vintage Beauty
A history professor was explaining how society’s ideal of beauty changes with time.

“Take Miss America in 1921,” he noted. “She stood 5 ‘ 1″ tall, weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s beauty contest?”

One student piped up, “Not very well! She’d be way too old!”

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Blonde at the Library

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?” asked the librarian.

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah. You must be the person who took our phone book.”

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Conceited

Florence was a conceited woman who was aware of her faults. One day after Mass she was talking to her parish priest and said, “Father, this morning I spent almost an hour looking into the bedroom mirror admiring my beauty. Is that cause for concern? Should I go to confession?”

“Actually, no,” the priest replied after thinking for a moment. “You only have to confess sins, not errors in judgement.”

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Dining Problem

Everyone had weighed in, and our diet workshop leader began her lecture on the week’s topic: the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. “What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?”

Replied one woman quickly, “Running into you!”

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Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I’ve put on a lot of weight… I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I don’t need glasses, but I’ve just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
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In today’s Guardian (30th May 2024) there was a very good letter to the editor from Alan E. MacPhee. I considered it as a very good description of Dennis King and his government history over the last two elections. It’s about People? Really, then how about health care. How about those unfortunate people camping outside the legislature on hunger strike. It seems apparent when something difficult turns up, King is nowhere to be found. Where is this guy who after his first election (minority)he was all about cooperation, handshakes, hugs, pats on the back, all smiles eager to get along with all party’s . However, as he soon learned cooperating with the other party’s meant he wasn’t getting his own way, be decided being the bully worked better. That has lead us to the present situation of chaos. Crisis in health care, housing shortages, Doctor shortages, nursing shortages, inflation and high taxes, children going hungry, needle exchange clinic, none functioning hospitals. I have probably missed other issues, nevertheless, this is not a record for this King government to be proud of. So I will ask again, where is the Premier???
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We have here on PEI a well qualified doctor that while he understands he can’t practice as such until his qualifications are certified. He can’t even get a job in the medical field, can’t be a nurse or RCW. We have a husband and wife team of doctors, they have been unemployed as doctors and have reached the limit, making them no longer qualified. The husband is working at Cavendish Farms. We have graduating nurses from UPEI who have yet to get a job offer from our Health Department. We have Dennis King waving his hands and telling us the shortages in health care is the same right across the country. The latest director of health (Fraser) explaining why we haven’t offered graduating nurses jobs yet, but she is looking into it. We will apparently work to streamline the process, whatever that means. The health services have been in crisis for several years now, but suddenly they are going to streamline the hiring process. I have heard the rumour that King is planning to step down, if true I’m not surprised. I expect he would like to disappear before the proposed training school opens????
God Bless and keep reading
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Disgusting indeed, both Liberal and Conservatives should be ashamed, during the PNP heyday these greedy people grabbed and ran with bags of cash. Tripping over each other filling their pockets. Bring as many immigrants as possible, the more the merrier, the more cash. This money grabbing circus began with Pat Binns PCs and continued thru the Ghiz era and beyond.
Now these same greedy shameless individuals are saying, wait we have too many Immigrants, we will have to send many home. We cant handle so many hapless second class workers. We will keep the useful ones, medical, construction, engineers etc, the rest must go. How can these elected individuals keep straight faces and make such statements. This is the most shameful action I have ever seen perpetrated by our elected government. These poor hopeless immigrants are now sitting outside the government house on a hunger strike. What has happened to this beautiful Province, to our claim to be warm friendly people. Are we to allow these disgraceful politicians to have their way and kick these people out? Why wasn’t all the PNP monies not applied to health care and housing. We know why, too many people in control stole the money for their own interests. Please tell your MLAs this is wrong, unfair, you have broken faith with our new citizens. Please share this far and wide.
God Bless and keep reading
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I joined the Submarine Service in July 1959. The shore based HMS Dolphin training was (I think) eight/ten weeks, mostly classroom stuff. However, the thought on my mind and indeed on all my classmates minds, was the escape tank. This part of the training took part in the closing days of the course. We talked about it a lot, and of course we heard many stories (never factual)of disasters in the 100 foot tank. The first morning dressed in swimming trunks we gathered at the top of the tank. Each in turn let go of the tank rim and sank, most sank about 15 feet then resurfaced. This was to determine if we were buoyant, some sailors had high density bones and negative buoyant our trainers need to know this.. Next we were taken down the outside of the tank to 30foot level. On the side was what was called a blister, each candidate entered and made a free accent to the surface. This was then repeated at the 60 foot level. Then came the dreaded 100 foot accent, but first we were tested in a re-pressure chamber to be sure we could equalize the pressure in our eardrums. No danger here, if someone was in trouble the high pressure air could be reduced until the person cleared his ears. Finally we entered the chamber under the tower, it was designed like a submarine compartment. The first thing the instructor told us was once the flooding started it couldn’t be stopped. There was now only one way out!! It was important to keep the pressure in our ear drums ahead of the growing air pressure as we flooded the compartment. If anyone failed he would burst his ear drums. My fear was mixed, I was frantically blowing to keep my ears ahead of the pressure. At the same time aware my turn to enter the escape hatch was getting ever closer. During the flooding we had to breath through a mouth piece, calls BIBS, built in breathing system. These hung down from an over head air line and we stood inline awaiting our turn. As one left the escape trunk he dropped his bibs and the next person picked it up and so on down the line. When my turn arrived I took the deepest breath of my life and ducked under the trunk at the bottom of one hundred feet of water. The danger was we were breathing high pressure air which if we held our breath would burst our lungs on the rise to the surface
We were taught to blow out air all the way to the surface, similar to whistling. There were instructors in the tank carefully watching us, if someone stopped blowing out he might get a swift punch in the gut. It was an amazing experience, and once out of the hatch not at all scary. I raced to the surface at an amazing speed, perhaps twenty seconds. During my submarine career I re qualified once in 1963, the second time around was not so fearful. These days (some 58 years later) I still proudly wear my dolphins and have great pride to call myself a Royal Navy Submariner




Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? http://www.irishroversbooks.com

Memories of HMS Ganges.
Posted on MAY 21ST 2024 by irishroverpei


This is one of those days when I’m feeling my 85 years, no energy, aching joints and unsteady feet. In my chair I reminisce about those long ago times at Ganges. It was March 1956, my division were in the last days of training. For weeks our guard had drilled and drilled, our GI (Gunnery instructor) was hard to satisfy. Nevertheless, we were as ready as we were ever going to be. I was the guard commander, no I didn’t volunteer, I was told. On parade that chilly Sunday morning I was to say the least, extremely nervous. With sword in hand I had to march smartly to the dias and ask permission to march passed. I had to give the order to begin the parade moving off. Would my voice be loud enough? Would I choke at the crucial moment? It was a terrifying time tempered with a certain amount of pride in my achievement. We did well and our GI in a rare moment praised our accomplishments. It was an exciting time in those closing days of training. We enjoyed a day trip to Norwich which was our reward for completing the hardest year of our lives. This had been our graduation, our passing out parade but of course it was never referred to as such. We were now considered ready and qualified to join the fleet as sailors. My classmates and I were anxiously awaiting our draft orders, which ship ,where we’d be stationed and so on. My draft never arrived, instead I’d been promoted to Instructor Boy and would return to the Annex for three more months. We never questioned orders at Ganges, so it was the Annex for me. My feelings were mixed, all my classmates were going to sea. When my turn would eventually arrived I’d be shipped out with boys I didn’t know. Naturally there was an element of pride in being selected to the highest boys rating at Ganges. As such we enjoyed a few minor privileges like duty free cigarettes, (blue liners!) and a little more freedom. There was no question working in the Annex was very hard and nearly a 24 hour work day. Instructor Boys were first up and last to bed, in between we were expected to always be smartly turned out. My time did eventually arrive and I was flown out to the Far East for two years aboard HMS Cockade. My first ship and truly the best ship or submarine I ever sailed in throughout my career. However, looking back on that hard year of training I know I’d not change a thing, I’d do it all over again in a heart beat. I have never experienced a feeling of more pride than standing on the Ganges parade square on that long ago morning in 1956. Indeed it is my privilege and pride to call myself a Ganges Boy. God Bless and keep reading


Author of LILY & ME , and THE ROYAL NAVY & ME
Visit blog and website?? http://www.irishroversbooks.com