Genes

I avoid my parental home for several reasons. Most recently these reasons have included a fear of walking in on my parents trying out number 22 of their Sex positions for the post-menopausal woman book (where do they find this stuff?).

However today I was forced by way of summoning to my parent’s house. I wasn’t entirely sure why they needed to see my brother and I but apparently it was important. The kind of important that makes you worry they’re going to tell you they’re having a baby, or returning to my mother’s Rasta roots. Whatever it was I knew, it would be something random. That’s my family for you, completely random. We’re liberal in every way imaginable I remember catching the first boyfriend I ever took home  getting high with my dad while my angered mother looked on. The younger generation are no different.  Take for example my brother who met and married a girl he met on a two-week holiday to Cuba. The thing about the randomness in my family is it’s usually cause for an overly heated argument that gets no one anywhere.

Nevertheless I arrived at precisely 12. I decided not to use my key but to ring the bell for fear of catching them doing anything inappropriate. I was welcomed by the sounds of music blaring from the kitchen, just my dad’s way of reliving his glory days and reminding us that Vanessa Williams still has a place on someone’s play list. Both parents then grilled me on my career, financial situation and all the other boring essentials. For the first time since I graduated I told the truth, I was ok, not brilliant but when are we ever? While my dad zoned into his music I told my mother about Alex. I was so grateful I hadn’t told her about re-kindling my relationship with Liam whom she once described as “a liar and a fuck”. I thought Alex seemed more appropriate for a mother daughter conversation and though I’m still unsure about how I feel, I liked that my description had made her fond of him.

When my brother arrived with his “wife” (I’ve got to stop doing that) we sat at the table for a late brunch. It was only when the silence became deafening that I realised this was the first time we’d all sat together as a family, my brother Zav’s wife included. I had my own opinion of their short relationship but, having  avoided home since he’d told my parents about his elopement, I didn’t realise they were finding it fairly awkward too.

“So what’s the announcement we all had to drag ourselves out of bed for?” my brother said smiling cheekily. I was grateful to him for breaking the silence.

My parents looked at each other and smiled. Then my mother spoke in the soft calm voice she used when we were kids to explain why we’d been bad.

“Your father and I were never married as you know. We didn’t believe in it, didn’t see it as something for us. But recently we’ve had a new lease on life and..” said my mother before she was interrupted by my father.

“It’s not a soap opera! Long story short we went to one of those registry offices last weekend and got married” my father said, like he was discussing the weather.

The next part of the conversation is the reason I avoid home. It is a clear example of what has always been an issue and maybe why I smoke so much.

So after my brother and I exchanged awkward and shocked looks, we congratulated them. I mean sure it was random but after a certain age of responsibility why not go back to living life on the edge? To be honest of all the crazy things that have gone on this wasn’t the worst of them. All seemed well until someone spoke, someone none of us felt had the right to. My brother’s wife Alicia. The conversation went like this:

“Sorry excuse me but for the past few weeks you have basically ignored me because your son and I married in secret. Now, excuse me but haven’t you just done exactly the same thing?” Ivelissia said, in an overly aggressive manner.

Shock! We were all pretty shocked all apart from my mother who remained composed.

“No, it’s not the same thing. We’ve been together for thirty years and decided to get married. You knew each other for thirty seconds and decided to get married” My mother said, with a passive aggressive smile.

My brother and I went into a weird state of shock, we didn’t move. This immediately pissed my brother’s wife off who yelled at him for not coming to her defence. This then prompted my mother to come to my brother’s defence, which prompted my brother to tell her to relax, which prompted my dad to turn down his music (ever so slightly).

I don’t know why but I found the situation humorous, ridiculously so. Instead of indulging in the madness I stood up, sat by the kitchen window and let the madness ensue. I guess I’m like my father in that way, if the music is on, my mind’s off.

As I lit my cigarette and gazed out of the window, serenaded by smooth sounds and a pointless argument, I thought to myself

“I am never getting married”.

Tags: Argue, Brother, Brunch, Dad, Everlasting, Family, Father, Love, Marriage, Mother, Mum, Random, Wedding, Wife