So this is a more spiritual post, if you’re not into that, you can skip it, otherwise you’ll be bored and maybe never come back. I wouldn’t want you to miss my family exposes (read with accent that I don’t know how to type.)

Here are two things that I have heard or read in the last couple of days that have really moved me
One in a sermon vignette on Sunday morning, it is from Eugene Peterson and it went something like this:
we find ourselves in the difficult place of the absence of God’s presence more than in His presence in this life. This was not a statement of “because we are sinners” “because we kill crickets” “because we gave that a%&hole who cut us off the double middle finger” this was simply a condition of humanity. It touched me deeply. It is true. So often I want to be connected with my Spirit, with Good, with Kindness and Love. More often I am in touch with anger, frustration, criticism, insecurity, easy offenses etc. I was moved to know that the simple state of this life is the often perceived absence of God. We all feel it. It is part of the world we live in. So there. I am not special or different and I cannot grapple, grope or work to change it. I also cannot scare God off by giving that driving jerk the finger. Good thing.

The other thing I read this morning, that I’ve read about THREE GAZILLION times in the last twenty years, that moved me again is a little bit from Tozer…
“We hear within is at once the accusations of faith and the accusations of conscience.”
In correlation with the above paragraph, “We do not know, and we may never know, what love is, but we can know how it manifests itself, and that is enough for us here.”
“It is the nature of love that it cannot lie quiescent. It is active, creative and benign.”

It is often that accusations of faith and conscience that keep me from hope and love. Let me say it this way… My insecurity is an accusation, often contrived that leads me to be too loud or too quiet and push people away to a safe distance. It is the accusation of faith that says, “No good being or spiritual being, truly seeking Good would think or behave like you.” It is the accusation of conscience that says, “That part of you, that thing you did, that way that you are, that thing that you thought makes that part of you unloveable or unlikeable.”

Recently, Ellen interviewed Portia de Rossi on her show, Portia said that being loved by Ellen taught her that strength is not born of independence and hardness as she always thought. Instead, she has learned that honesty, softness and vulnerability are the keys to both being truly loved and in turn, generously loving.

In this moment of life I see how these things converge. We are all a mess, we are all doing our best to move toward Good. However we define that. I define that in God, and His love toward me. I define that in Boo and his presence in my life a clear representation of God’s kindness toward me. And still I find myself resisting love and arguing with myself about why I don’t deserve the good gifts given to me. I would be so sad if someone acted in the same bratty way toward me.

So, I am working on quitting and trusting. I am working on softness, vulnerability and love. I am continuing to attempt to forsake my critical nature and right to bitch in hopes of offering more of the grace and kindness I feel desperate for in my own life. I want to be gracious and kind to others and to my own little soul. This life is difficult enough without us making it harder on ourselves or anyone else. My cousin KT helped me see this in situation she offered some really kind advice in, and I saw in her insight that when we respond to things with love and thoughtfulness we can only make things better. And who wouldn’t want that?

It’s not a New Year’s resolution, it’s a process and a journey that I’m on. One day at a time, one step forward or back at a time…

May we all live more in love and more aware of all the Good around us each day. And as Danielle LaPorte wrote on her blog this week regarding the new year:
close your calendars
of regret

let
your
pure
faith
burn
the
way