Here’s the thing: I don’t want to admit that right now I feel like everything sucks.
I feel like I know that there is a bear in my house and that this bear will eat me if I don’t move. I don’t feel like leaving the house. That sucks.
But maybe I should just make peace with the bear. “Bear, I know you will one day eat me but I’m just going to do my thing, I’m just going to ‘be me’ and I’m not going to think about the day when you will eat me. Because that’s just life. I can wait for you to eat me or I can love life and accept my death.”
I don’t want to admit that I hate losing control. I don’t want to admit that every day I am in a constant struggle with a certain person. This person drives me fucking mad. This person nags, confuses, and makes me feel badly about myself. This person hates everything I do and is never satisfied with anything.
This person is me. (TWIST ENDING!!!!!)
Maybe you feel this way about yourself. If you do, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is having to put up with yourself. If I were my own roommate I would move out. “Almie, stop complaining. And stop eating all of the mini Kit Kats. Goddamn.”
We may not want to realize it, but we will always have this roommate. There is no moving out. Maybe you’re okay with this. Maybe your roommate is awesome and is good to you and makes sure that you always work out and eat right. Maybe it knows that you’re a great person and tells you every day. But if you’re like me, your roommate is a total asshole who won’t let you sleep because they’re watching Dr. Oz until 4 in the morning. They drink Diet Coke and leave the cans everywhere. And on top of all of this, they bring in this bear that they leave in the closet and tell you it’s fine, it’s going to eat you but whatever, enjoy life!
So okay then. Let’s make the best of this living arrangement. Tell your roommate to clean up their shit. Tell them shut up when they tell you how much you suck. Tell them that life isn’t so bad.
Because the moment we start to listen to this terrible version of ourselves is the moment life really does suck. And I do not want to admit that I feel like I suck. I do not want to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing. I do not want to admit that I am afraid. I do not want to admit that sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing. I do not want to admit that I did not work out today.
But I just admitted it and I’m still here. Maybe we should just admit these things. Just say them out loud. There’s no point in pretending that they’re not there or that there’s anything you can do to replace them with a different feeling. If you have a problem with your roommate, you don’t kill them. You try and work it out. You can’t pretend that their actions are okay. You can’t pretend that you’re okay with it. But you can change it.
I am done making myself feel bad and I am ready to feel better.
Now it’s your turn. What do you not want to admit? Do it here.
I gave up on the mini Kit Kats and just started buying the full-size bars.
And I have the same roommate.
I am afraid that I suck at what I want to do for the rest of my life (writing). I am afraid that I will always harbour anger for my father, even though we’re trying to fix things (a la roommates). Other things too, but they’re bear sized.
fuck it. the only way to know is to write, write, write. Write until your fingers bleed (metaphorically). Write so much that people are forced to see what you’ve written and what you want to say, and someone will like it!
I’M SCARED TOO! I was JUST stricken by an overwhelming case of afraid-ness. You’re awesome/psychic for writing this. What am I going to do with my life next year/should I apply to grad school/why is everything so hard…HUGS?
HUGS.
I like you.
Hey thanks!
Today I cried while making pies because my boyfriend’s mom hates me, and I am terrified that he will eventually dump me because of it. She hates me for the most stupid reasons. I taught my boyfriend about vegetarianism, I was uncomfortable with her and my boyfriend’s dad staying on the pull-out couch of our two room apartment for several days, I “don’t put him first” and her example of this was that I didn’t do his laundry one of the summers we were living together. I’m serious. She hates me because I don’t do her 24 year old son’s laundry. So I spent, like, an hour being mad, crying, and rolling out pie crust while my mom alternately told me to let it go and offered to kill her for me. Total low point this week.
Oh BB I’m sorry.
screw her. obviously your boyfriend is the one with good taste in that family. It’s like buying a bushell of apples. yes, a bushell..and one of the apples is all rotten and sour and if you take a bite of it, you know its going to make you feel like crap. so, throw out that apple (in this metaphor, his evil momzilla is the bad apple) and make yummy applesauce with all the good apples. Don’t let one bad apple ruin the bunch.
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I don’t want to admit that I always fly under the radar but then get pissed off when I feel invisible and go unnoticed by awesome men and high paying employers. *sigh*
Thanks for writing this one today! It was a slap in the face…in a good way.
I totally relate to this. And you are welcome!
I don’t want to admit that I need more.
Oh shit this is a good one.
yes, this is good..
Wow. Kudos for writing this blog post. I reveal very little of myself online, and, upon reaching the final sentence of this entry, thought “ah, frack, jesus h. christ, I can’t possibly reveal anything about myself.”
I don’t know. Maybe I deliberately sabotage potential relationships because I’d rather live in a fantasy world than deal with reality. And, as a fiction writer/playwright, I’m quite good at creating them. Fantasy worlds, I mean.
Almie, I just want to give you this little bit of strange advice: Whenever I notice I’m getting myself down, I stop with the negativity and think to myself, “I love you. I’m sorry.” Rinse and repeat until all the bad is gone.
I know it sounds completely weird, but since I started doing this, my life has improved a lot.
You’re awesome.
Not strange at all. It works (heck i’m still working on it)
It’s called Ho’oponopono.
I don’t want to admit that I might be recovering from anorexia. It’s been my identity for several years and I don’t know how to live without it.
Which is a joke because I’ve gotten so much better and I’m doing fine.
i know what you mean, sometimes our flaws or hang-ups, whatever they might be, take over so much of who we are, we’re afraid that, without them, we won’t have anything left. It’s like a really bad relationship, your break up with him, you know its for the best, but at 2 am when you’re all alone you wonder if its better to be with someone in a crappy relationship or all by yourself. All by yourself is better. you just have to learn who yourself is
I kicked that roommate out. My best friend’s wife got pregnant with another man’s baby while they were still married. He didn’t want to take medication to deal with his depression over it, so the doctor recommended exercise to release natural endorphins and help him feel better about life altogether. It worked and got him to start pointing his mind to happier thoughts. Maybe it’s worth a try for you. I don’t know.
I’m have to admit that raising my standards on what I want for myself in a romantic partner has caused me to spend the last 6 months happy to be single (because I love and value myself very highly), but has also caused me to not have met even one person worth being with … I mildly fear never finding this person.
d
I totally feel you on this because I live with this fear every day. I fear this because I’ve never been in a relationship past 3 months and I’ve never been in a relationship with anybody who I like because it is so rare to find somebody who I actually want to be with. These past six months have been agonizing because I finally found somebody who I want to be with, (the first time in two years) but they don’t want to be with me. Instead they just want to fuck me, how lovely. Yet, I can’t stop wanting them. Don’t you wish you could pick and choose the people you have chemistry with? Life would be so much easier.
P.S. Almie, I just wanted to say I really love your posts and they make me laugh…a lot. That’s a hard thing to do via the interwebz, BUT if you ever became a stand-up comic I would buy a ticket STAT. So I don’t know if that helps, but I wanted to help make the bear a little smaller 🙂
I don’t feel like taking my dog out on a walk today. This means she’ll go crazy inside and pee (and/or poop) on my mom’s carpet. I can’t be bothered because I am a monster. FOR REAL.
Lately I’ve been doing a pretty bad job with everything but I just want a moment to fucking think about myself and watch Netflix instant-watch in a dark room.
I’m kind of counting on the fact that someone else can do everything I’ve been avoiding.
ps. I needed this, I love this, let’s do this more often.
Today sucked. University sucks. I missed a big assignment because I woke up late and instead of rushing started to cry like a wuss. The workload is killing me but I hold myself up to impossible standards. I missed this one class a lot because of stupid reasons, one reason being that my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up and I was trying to ‘deal’. I’m pretty sure all of my friends are phonies and I just want to run away to Berlin.
I don’t want to admit that I actually am ok with myself.
I don’t want to admit that my life isn’t so bad. I’d prefer to hate myself and escape into my writing and the Sims. I’m getting certified as an electrician and my boyfriend loves me. I may even re-enlist in the Army. But sometimes I worry that he will find some blond skank with huge tits, a car, a job, and high self-esteem who will blow him on the daily.
Hi Almie!
a) Why you gotta be my cosmic soul sister. This has been a week of struggs with my four(!) real roommates, so I very much needed this pep talk.
b) Just wanted to let you know I linked back to your “Stop hitting on me.” post in my latest entry. Still so topical. So eternal. One for the blogosphere canon, for sure.
Hope things start looking up soon! All the best from the Midwest.
x
Emma
im smart, but im lazy, which makes people think im stupid.
im embarrassed that im 28 and still working retail.
when i talk to myself, its usually to put myself down…telling myself how stupid, ugly, and fat i am.
my fiance tells me how beautiful and perfect i am but im afraid that someday hes gonna see me for who i really am. im scared hes gonna realize that hes too good for me and leave.
wow…that kinda choked me up typing that. arg.
i’m about to turn 25 working retail…
almost all jobs suck though.
i’m so lazy i have convinced myself it’s the same thing as stupidity. plus my brain feels unused, too sad to take on challenges.
i just try to have things to look forward to after work. i’m sure you do too. like, painting and doodling (it used to be reading and wanting to write)
i’m also afraid my boyfriend will stop loving me hence the recurring bouts of unreasonable suspicion and jealousy which i then feel really guilty about.
zen meditation has helped me a little but it’s still really hard. sometimes i’m happy though and i feel so good it’s scary like i’m floating–and if i dont keep my eye on ’30’ so to speak failure will come to bite me. then i think, ‘if you don’t allow yourself to feel good, you’ll never get good at anything.’ then i think, ‘even if you were good at something you have no attention span and would get bored’ because ‘deep down, you don’t care about anything.’
when i hit a low it’s really low.
all my sister tells me is to get on meds immediately but i don’t want to.
good therapists are so expensive.
omg are you me?! hahahaaa.
every single thing everyone has written is like reading my own thoughts. especially this one. madness, i tell you.
unless your fiance has the rare tropical disease known as dumbassitis, he IS the one who sees you for who you really are and that’s why he wants to marry you. Thats why he took the time to know you, love you, and make the commitment to stay with you and keep getting to know you better. It sounds like you might be the one who doesn’t see who you really are because you’re roommate is too busy trying to tell you that your shit. Well tell your roommate that she should shut the hell up, and tell her that you have a stud out there who loves you very much, because youre worth loving.
You are amazing, really pretty, and my favorite blogger. You can tell your roommate I said that.
Wow, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Perfect analogy for that certain kind of depression. In my case the roommate sleeps through his alarm constantly, eats all the tofu sausage and fills up all the ashtrays, and so the place smells a little like a taxi.
I don’t want to admit…
I’m scared that I’ve given myself to somebody who only knows I exist for half of the week.
And it’s tearing me in half.
I could go anywhere, but I think I’m going no where.
How people see me has such an impact on me that it consumes my life. I want to be attractive, I want to be thin, I want to you to like me, I want you to love me. I want perfection, but I’m scared to fail so I don’t strive for it.
I’m scared that I’m going to be lazy for the rest of my life and I’ll never end up where I want to be.
I think that all the things I thought I wanted, all the things I thought I was moving towards, are coming into question.
Thanks for this post, helping me get this out somewhere. Your blog is perfection!
I don’t want to admit that maybe I spend too much time alone.
Or that I’m actually NOT defective and/or repulsive to the opposite sex. It’s much easier to hate myself, than to admit I might just be too unique and awesome to have found the right guy yet.
I also don’t want to admit that I might never figure out what I want to do with my life until it’s too late to be able to do anything about it.
I don’t want to admit that I might never be able to love my stepmother. I might always resent her.
If you always resent her, c’est la vie. Instead, surround yourself with people that you like, and that like you, and maybe, just maybe, one day, all that wonderful like-i-ness will spread over into other relationships and improve them. Also, i think your totally right. Rushing a relationship, or being “too available” is like buying a one size fits all t-shirt, it keeps us warm, but it never fits quite right. Instead, dare to keep looking for the perfect outfit, it might take longer, but it will make you feel really damn good.
I don’t want to admit that maybe, just maybe, things are not going to turn out the way that I want them to. And I am not okay with that. So instead I live with the delusion that they just might.
I have never commented on a blog before but I really enjoy reading your hilarious insights (not that this was hilarious) and I can really really relate to everything you have expressed. I want to pass on some of the best advice I have ever gotten which I really hope helps. You need to learn to be your own best friend. I hope this doesn’t sound deluded in a I have no one talk to but myself sort of way, what I mean is you need to treat yourself the way you would a best friend. It’s likely that whatever you are freaking out about or making yourself feel bad for is not something you would make such a big deal out of if your best friend did it. I know it sounds terribly cheesy but next time something happens to make you feel like a disappointment try and think of what you would say to your best friend if she were in your place. If you can be that good to a person you love there’s no reason why you can’t treat yourself the same way.
I don’t want to admit that I want to delete a friend off a event on facebook so she doesn’t make out with someone I want to make out with.
ugghh decisions decisions..
I don’t want to admit that right now I don’t have any friends.
I just moved back home after being away for a few years, and the few people I still talk to from high school have moved away. It’s like I’m starting over in a totally new city, only I can’t use that excuse because I grew up here.
I know TONS of people who are going through this (including me) and my advice is not to waste too much time feeling sorry for yourself (like I did). I eventually took a ceramics class, joined a gym, started doing yoga at a studio in town, started going to a therapist, and volunteered to teach an ESOL student. Most of the people I meet are middle-aged woman (lol) but at least you’ll be out there meeting people who might have advice or networking connections you can use. At least if/when you move on, you won’t look back at it as a totally depressing waste of time. This is actually a great time to work on yourself!
I’m a junior in college right now, and I’m no where closer to being successful. There’s a lot of pressure to be successful academically and financially, and I think this is the stage where life is supposed to be full of opportunities and basically a free-for-all in finding myself and forging my future…. all that, and I think I’m fucking it up. It’s all going down the drain. I don’t know why I can’t force myself to do the work I’m not interested in. Why am I doing this? I don’t even know if I want to be happy anymore. It’s weird.
I don’t want to admit that I haven’t been following my moral compass. More so, I don’t want to admit that I am okay with this.
keep your chin up, girl. you’re a star and you’re going to get through this. HUGS.
i don’t want to admit that i’m striving for the impossible and the impractical. i don’t know what to do with my life if i can’t succeed with this, with college, academics, and friends.
i also don’t believe i’m ever going to find anyone.
I feel like I now have a following of single-lettered commenters on your blog, hahaha.
How was your Thanksgiving, Almie? Did you go anywhere?
d
I don’t want to admit that I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of self-hate that I’ve tried over and over to pull myself out of, but I can’t. I’m afraid that I’m not going to achieve my dreams, and I’m afraid that if I do achieve my dreams, I won’t be able to take the man I love with me. I don’t want to admit that I’ve tried everything from medication, to counseling, to good diet and exercise, and nothing has helped in the long-term. I’m scared that my boyfriend will eventually just get sick of my shit and leave, which would make me hate myself even more. I’m scared that I’ll never get better and just be functionally dysfunctional my entire life. I hate that even when life is great, the fear that things are going to be ruined soon is always in the back of my mind.
Thanks for giving me a place to let this out. I’ve read your blog for a long time, and it always either makes me laugh or makes me think about something important. Sometimes it does both. Thanks for this.
I don’t want to admit that I think I’m FUCKING AWESOME. Because then people would think I’m a cocky asshole.
I also don’t want to admit that I still don’t believe people when they tell me I’m awesome. Because, apparently, I’m the only one in the world who’s allowed to think that I’m the best thing since they put the pocket in pita.
Perhaps i just need to stop being such a hoe-muffin. But don’t we all?
This is great, YOU SHOUT THIS SHIT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!
I feel like there’s a certain unspoken punishment that women get for admitting that they’re awesome. I DON’T KNOW.
I don’t want to admit that about 10 minutes ago, I was bawling hysterically. I don’t want to admit that i’ve been grieving over a break-up for the past few months. I don’t want to admit that its been so hard that I can’t handle my drinking anymore. I don’t want to admit that I got a DUI. I don’t want to admit that that my professor told me today I could fail. I’m scared things are going to keep getting worse… and ruin life.
I want to admit that the crying did help. I want to admit that the relationship i was in was very toxic and worth leaving. I want to admit that I haven’t drank since the arrest. I want to admit my professor is giving me a chance to raise my grade because he believes i can. I want to believe that things will only get better… if i fight for my life.
One of my good friends, someone I’ve known since childhood, has a DUI. She is the most responsible person I’ve ever known. Sometimes we just get caught in circumstances that make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. It will be okay. She got through it and you will too!
Thanks. 🙂
i can’t decide which i hate more: the fear that i will never get over my ex or the fact that i even give a shit.
missed the party but boy do i need to post.
yesterday while attempting a uturn i caused an accident which wrote off my car – uninsured – and damaged someone else’s. that someone else lost her husband three weeks before. it was my second accident in two months. it was a busy street outside a shopping centre two days before christmas and PEOPLE WERE LOOKING AT ME. i broke down into hysterics and handled it badly. i was tired and stressed, attempting to balance 3 jobs, living between 2 houses, and finishing a university degree. i called my parents away from their christmas party to pick me up and sort out my mess. i sobbed at my boyfriend, dramatically threatened suicide and chainsmoked until my lungs stopped functioning properly.
what i need to admit is that now i don’t really care. i’ve sorted the insurance, i’ve apologised to all and sundry. i need to admit that my workload is hard on me, even if other people have bigger, more bearish workloads. i need to admit that my parents can still look after me sometimes, even if i am in my early twenties. i need permission to no longer give a shit.
You are never late to this party. It is always going.
I give you permission!
And car accidents are scary, it’s ok to feel like a little kid.
Oh God I meant “too” late. Forgive me, Internet Grammar Patrol.
I am afraid I’m not enough, that I am never enough. Good enough, smart enough, enough. Since my boyfriend of 3.5 years just blindsided me with a breakup a month ago, it has only reinforced that. I wasn’t enough. And I don’t want to admit that I don’t know how to fight that voice.
I don’t want to admit how in over my head I am or how far away the surface seems.
I empathize.
Still getting everything OFF MY CHEST.
I do not want to admit that I can’t tell the difference between loving someone or the idea of them. I don’t want to admit that I get crazy knots in my stomach when I see Facebook (fucking FACEBOOK) updates letting me know that he has moved on. I don’t want to admit that I am not good enough to wish him all good things, yet. God damn it, I am so not ready to wish him good things.
How about now?
I just found out that the guy I’ve liked for almost a year likes my best friend. And she likes him back. And I don’t want to admit that, even though I’m acting like an adult about it, I really want to act like a child. I want to scream and cry and be mad at them, whether they can help being attracted to each other or not. But instead, I’m going to be happy for them.
In a sea of billions one, now two or many more souls laid bear. Glad to know that the argument I have within is probably part of the human condition rather than a deArangement exclusive of my mind. A habit, whose roots are long forgotten, of telling myself “You’re no good” is occasionally argued rationally by my blurting out at myself assertively that “yes I am.”
I’m working towards living the now rather than remembering past sins or anticipating improbable future scenarios and hope that as I bear my soul to myself and others that centering on now increases my self worth.
Odd that I should be so afraid to move past the comfort of familiarity even though in moments of clarity I realize and admit the toxicity of that familiarity. And in each movement towards that goal I note in retrospect that it wasn’t that hard and the rewards were plentiful.
Funny that this heathen would find writing inspiration on Easter Sunday. Good Orderly Direction moves in mysterious ways. Thanks Almie!
I’m glad I could help!!!
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I don’t want to admit that I am extremely selfish and and feel sorry for myself.
I dont want to admit that I have daddy issues and that I am scared it will fuck up every relationship I have with a guy
I dont want to admit that I am obsessed with a hot gay guy who has a boyfriend and doesnt give a shit about me
I dont want to admit that I was a total asshole to my guardian
I don’t want to admit that my best friend was right to not want to be friends with me anymore
I don’t want to admit that i want to get sick and go to the hospital, but not die, just to see who would visit me
I dont want to admit that I am not over this guy from 2 years ago
I dont want to admit that sometimes I hate myself and want to die but I am too afraid too
I dont want to admit I have no idea what the fuck I am doing in life and who I am and who I want to be
I don’t want to admit that my “roommate” is completely fucked up
I am with you right here, friend:
“I don’t want to admit that my “roommate” is completely fucked up”
I hope you’re doing better and if not there is always a place for you here to let it all out!
I don’t want to admit that I wish I was Buddha.
I don’t want to admit that I wish I was Buddha. (btw, best blog post ever.)
I also don’t want to admit that I often post comments twice, but I guess people find that out without me admitting it. :/
To quote you, You are the real hero.
I just bookmarked your blog. I like you, I like how you write. Most particularly this.
Thank you!!
I’m afraid that I’ll never be a good enough man for a woman to marry. I’m afraid that I’ll never meet someone that I really want to be with. I’m afraid that all the work I’ve done to become a better person has all been a fucking waste of time and that I’m never going to find my way, my destiny in life. I’m afraid that I’m alone, because I feel alone.
So glad I discovered your blog today, even if I am reading it for the first time over a year after you posted this! This is so true, and yet people rarely have the guts to actually put this stuff down on paper because they’re scared that it makes them weak – wrong! It makes you strong to admit to feeling like things aren’t going all that great for you, even when you know that there are people with problems much bigger than your own – that doesn’t make how we feel about ourselves any less significant! Bravo 🙂 x
Hello! Thank you!! It’s wonderful to feel like you’re not alone, isn’t it? xxo.
I have this problem, I feel like I’m constantly self-sabotaging myself. Like, I want to lose weight cos I hate looking at myself at the moment, yet as soon as I tell myself I’m eating healthy and doing more exercise, it’s like another part of my brain is like uh,uh,uh (Jurassic Park) and makes me wanna eat pizza and ice cream until I puke.
I think the most frustrating thing is recognising your faults/problems/whatever, but being seemingly unable to fix them. I am aware that I can be lazy and selfish and a million other things, yet I can’t seem to stop being this way. I am basically my own worst enemy and I refuse to give mysef a break. I also hate the fact that I’m 27 years old and still have no idea what I want to do with my life.
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Also, I’m aware that I am commenting on a post that is almost 2 years old, but I have just discovered your blog and now I can’t get enough!