A loud series of bumps and moans starting coming from upstairs, causing the giant, cut-glass chandelier in the living room to sway. It glittered as it shook, scattering prismlike points of light across the room. Lila looked up at it nervously.

“Jesus, is that your sister?” Bruce asked, his eyes straying upward to the ceiling. His facial expression was a mixture of wonder, surprise and lust.

“You know Jessica!” Elizabeth exclaimed with a laugh. She shook her head. “She always has to be the center of attention.”

“Yeah, but does she have to do it all over my wing of the house?” Lila said, making a face. “I’m probably going to have to throw away a mattress or two. And if she breaks that chandelier, I’m going to murder her. Do you know how much that cost?”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “Lila, that tacky-ass light fixture is practically a thrift-store find,” he said condescendingly. “The chandelier at my house has been in the Patman family for centuries. In fact, it’s worth more than ten billion dollars today.”

“Well, this is worth … eleven billion,” Lila said quickly. Her face was growing redder by the minute.

“Oh, shut up, Lila,” Bruce sniffed. “You drive a lime-green Triumph, for god’s sake. That is the butt-ugliest car I’ve ever seen in my entire life!”

“You shut up, Bruce Patman,” Lila snapped back. “At least it’s unique. And it’s not as boring as a goddamn black Porsche.” She rolled her eyes. “So predictable. And that vanity plate? Ugh. How white trash.”

Elizabeth gave Bruce a nervous glance. It was one thing to talk shit about Bruce’s chandelier, but it was another matter to take on 1BRUCE1. Surely, Lila didn’t know who she was messing with!

“I wouldn’t talk, if I were you,” Bruce said, his voice a low growl. “You have inverted nips.”

Lila lunged at him. “I’m going to kill you, you bastard!” she screamed.

Bruce just laughed and ducked out of the way. “I’d like to see you try, Lila,” he said. “That would be fucking hilarious.”

As Sweet Valley’s resident busybody and peacemaker, Elizabeth knew it was up to her to defuse the situation and calm everyone down.

“Hey, come on, guys,” Elizabeth said, borrowing a Jessica technique – the pout. She stuck her lower lip out as far as she could and made her eyes look big and like they were about to start spewing tears at any moment. “It’s my birthday, and I can’t stand to see my two best friends fighting.”

“I’m not your best friend,” Lila shot back hotly. “Enid what’s-her-name over there is.” She pointed across the room. “I hang out with your sister, remember? She’s the one who looks just like you, but isn’t nearly as boring.”

“And I’m just your booty call,” Bruce said.

“Booty call?” Elizabeth repeated, dissolving into giggles.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Bruce asked, throwing his hands up in the air in mock disdain.

“Nothing,” Elizabeth said, her voice cracking with laughter. “It just sounds so funny. Booty call.”

Lila gave Bruce a meaningful glance. “Is she drunk?” she asked.

“No,” Bruce said. “Not unless you can get drunk on love.” He gave the girls a wink and a thumbs up.

Lila snorted. “Love? Anonymous backseat groping is more like it,” she said. “That’s so … high school.”

“Hey, now, that’s not fair,” Bruce said. “I love Elizabeth – as long as she continues to keep giving it up.”

“How charming,” Lila added, rolling her eyes at him. “You really are a prize, Bruce Patman. I can’t imagine why I haven’t tried to hit that.”

Elizabeth still hadn’t stopped giggling. It was getting kind of weird.

“What’s gotten into you?” Bruce asked affectionately, slipping an arm around Elizabeth and pulling her close.

“N- nothing,” Elizabeth said, hiccupping in between laughs. “It’s just- b- booty- booty call!”

Bruce looked around to see if anyone was watching. “Calm down, Liz,” he said, his voice quiet with embarrassment. “People are starting to stare.”

“Bruce, did you give her chlamidya or syphilis or gonorrhea or genital warts or whichever one it is that makes you go crazy?” Lila demanded.

“It’s syphilis, and no, I didn’t,” Bruce said, clearly offended. “Jesus, just because I have the herps doesn’t mean I have every sexually transmitted disease known to man!”

“If you didn’t have sex for the first time until this morning, how did you get herpes?” Lila asked.

“Herpes is a highly contagious disease, Lila,” Bruce said defensively. “You can catch it from near date rape, you know.”

“Ugh, so now you and Elizabeth have herpes?” Lila said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “That’s so low class.”

“It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” Bruce said. “Besides, I haven’t had an outbreak in, like, six months since I’ve been taking those new meds. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

Finally, Elizabeth calmed down, although her eyes were wet with tears and her sides and stomach ached intensely from laughing so hard. Then she heard a long, loud moan from upstairs, and it got her started all over again.

“Oh, god, here we go again,” Lila said with a groan.

“Jess- Jessica’s having a- a booty call!” Elizabeth said in between fits of laughter.

“Maybe we should go,” Bruce said, starting to guide Elizabeth to the door.

“No, no,” Elizabeth said, trying to calm down. “This party is so much fun. Let’s stay. Please, Bruce?” she asked, her eyes pleading. “I’ll try to calm down and not say b- booty c- call anymore.”

“All right, but if you start on another fit of laughter, I’m taking you home,” he warned.

“Okay, okay,” she said soberly. “I’ll be good.” She couldn’t help but crack a smile, though.

“That’s my girl,” Bruce said, patting her on the arm.

“I don’t know about this party being so much fun,” Lila said, crossing her arms over her horribly disfigured chest. “I’m getting kind of bored. You know what we need?” she asked, her eyes shining.

“A giant orgy?” Bruce asked, looking around hopefully.

“No,” Lila said, exasperated.

“Are you sure?” Bruce asked. “Because I think we’re only a few shots of tequila away from one. You got any tequila?”

“God, Bruce, you have such a one-track mind!” Lila said. “What we need are some college guys.”

“College guys?” Bruce asked. “Hell no. You have all the men you need right here. Me, and maybe Todd Wilkins over there, and those sissies from The Droids, and the ‘Skanks Gone Stupid’ guys – and they’re older than college guys.”

Lila rolled her eyes. “I’d hardly consider you manly, Bruce,” she retorted. “Or any of the rest of them, for that matter.”

Just then, Winston Egbert passed them, walking on his hands, his feet in the air.

Bruce nodded at Winston. “What about him?” he teased. “Manly enough for you?”

“Ugh,” Lila said, wrinkling her nose. “He’s such a nerd. In the classic sense.”

“Oh, come on, Lila,” Elizabeth admonished gently. “Nerds have feelings too.” The three of them watched as Winston made it to the other side of the room and turned right side up. “Besides, I think Winston is super-interested in you.”

“In his dreams!” Lila declared, tossing her glossy brown hair back over one shoulder. “I may have fucked-up nips, but even I wouldn’t stoop that low.”

“I don’t know,” Elizabeth said, looking after Winston fondly, as if he were a little boy or a puppy dog or someone with a developmental disability. “He’s a really good guy, Lila.”

“Really good guys are boring,” Lila sniffed. “Besides,” she said, smiling sweetly at Elizabeth, “you should know that better than anyone.”

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Elizabeth asked, crossing her arms over her chest in a huff.

“It means you’ve finally put the really boring guys behind you,” Lila said. “Todd Wilkins and Jeffrey French? I mean, really, Elizabeth. At least now you’re going out with someone marginally interesting.”

Bruce looked slightly hurt at being called marginally interesting. But then Elizabeth realized he had no clue what the word marginally meant and that it wasn’t Lila’s comment that had wounded him. She followed his gaze. He was staring right at Amy Sutton, and he had a strange look on his face. It was the kind of look that caused Elizabeth to worry.

“What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asked, soothingly rubbing his back.

“Nothing,” Bruce stammered, shaking his head as if to wake from a dream. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Elizabeth asked. “You look kind of upset.” She laughed nervously “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve just seen a ghost!”

Bruce smiled sadly. Elizabeth was so perceptive; there was no keeping anything from her. “It’s just that Amy looks, well, kind of special right now,” he said slowly. “And by special, I mean borderline retarded.” He paused and heaved a big sigh. “It just reminded me of Regina, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Elizabeth said weakly. Now it was her turn to look wounded. Could it be that Bruce really didn’t want to be with her after all? Was she just a poor substitute for his dead girlfriend? She was about to say more, but just then, she was interrupted by a high-pitched squeal coming from the doorway to the Fowlers’ plush living room.

Everyone in the room turned to look at Jessica, who had been the one to deliver the scream. She was jumping up and down excitedly. Jayden stood next to her, looking oddly pleased.

“What is she screaming about now?” Lila asked. Elizabeth shrugged.

“What’s going on?” Todd Wilkins called from the back of the room.

“What’s going on is that Elizabeth and I have been signed to a five-film deal!” Jessica screamed.

“What?” Elizabeth asked, the color draining from her face. She suddenly felt weak, as if she were going to be ill, and grabbed onto Bruce for support.

“We’re going to have our own series – it’s going to be called ‘Double Penetration’!” Jessica squealed, running over to hug her sister. “Isn’t it great? We’re going to be such big stars!”

“Our – our own series?” Elizabeth asked, her voice barely above a whisper. She caught Bruce’s eye. He looked shocked.

Jayden smiled. “It’s true, Elizabeth. I sent the Sweet Valley footage to my producer, and he said you’re both naturals,” he said.

“See, Lizzie?” Jessica said, clasping Elizabeth’s hands. “We’re both natural whores!”

“Great,” Elizabeth said weakly. She tried to feel her twin’s enthusiasm, but it just wasn’t happening. She had made her film debut, and that was enough for her. But from the look on Jessica’s face, just a taste of their brush with straight-to-DVD stardom was enough to have hooked her twin. And if it made Jessica happy, then Elizabeth was going to go along with it. As twins, they stuck together through thick and thin, Elizabeth reminded herself.

“Aren’t you just so excited, Lizzie?” Jessica continued, babbling on. “We’re going to get to travel the world, meeting all kinds of new people, screwing all kinds of new people…”

As Jessica droned on and on about the series and Jayden’s plans for the two of them, Elizabeth zoned out, lost in her own thoughts. But I like it here in Sweet Valley, she thought to herself. It’s the most perfect place in the world. And I like screwing Bruce. He can be kind of a dick sometimes, but I know how to handle him.

“So what do you think?” Jessica asked brightly, after about ten minutes of babbling.

“It sounds okay, I guess,” Elizabeth said.

“Just okay?” Jessica asked. “God, Liz, sometimes I can’t believe we’re even related, let alone identical twins!”

Bruce put an arm around Elizabeth. “It sounds like a really good opportunity for you,” he said sadly.

Elizabeth stared deep into his eyes, imploring him to forbid her from starring in any more films. But Elizabeth could tell by the stubborn look on his face that he was going to leave this decision up to her, even if it hurt him deeply.

“I guess,” she said.

Bruce silenced her with a firm kiss on the lips. When he drew back, he whispered, “I guess we’ll have to make the most of the time we have left.”

“I guess so,” Elizabeth said, throwing her arms around him and holding him tight. It seemed she might never let Bruce go.

After all the excitement of the night, the party started to wind down. Elizabeth watched with interest as Chase took Lila by the arm and led her away to a quiet corner. “You know, I think you’d do really well in the fetish market,” he said earnestly, linking his arm through hers.

“Do you really think so?” Lila asked, fascinated.

“Well, it certainly looks as if things have ended up pretty well for all of us,” Elizabeth mused.

“All of us except for one,” Jessica said, pointing across the room at Amy Sutton. “What’s her problem?”

Elizabeth shrugged. “She’s looked mad for the past hour or so,” she said.

“Maybe it was that horrible dominatrix routine,” Jessica said in a loud whisper. “She looked so awkward in all that black leather.”

“I thought she did an excellent job,” Elizabeth said, defending her former friend. She and Amy had been best friends in middle school, before Amy’s family moved to Connecticut. When the Suttons moved back to Sweet Valley earlier in the year, Elizabeth tried to rekindle their friendship, but quickly found that Amy had devolved into a vapid, boy-crazy slut instead of the intelligent tomboy she had once been.

“It was kind of hot,” Bruce agreed.

“Well, she’s no Wakefield twin, that’s for sure,” Jessica sniffed. “I don’t see her starring in her own five-film series.”

“Jessica, be nice,” Elizabeth admonished. “We can’t all be as incredibly perfect as the two of us.”

Jessica put an arm around her twin. The two of them were incredibly happy, even though they knew it would only last a few moments. There was never a dull moment in Sweet Valley, and the twins were sure to be back at each other’s throats over something or other as soon as they had the opportunity. It had been a week full of ups and downs and ups and downs and ups and downs – and a few ins and outs, as well.

Elizabeth and Jessica grinned at each other. “This has been the best birthday ever!” Jessica declared.

“It has, Jessica,” Elizabeth said, laughing. “It really has.”

Amy Sutton was fuming. She couldn’t stop looking at those little bitches from across the room. Jessica and Elizabeth had everything. All of Sweet Valley kisses their asses, and soon everyone else in the entire world will, as well! she thought grimly. I just can’t let that happen.

Amy had noticed the worry in Elizabeth’s face when Jayden had announced the new film series Jessica and Elizabeth were set to star in. That look of worry, which had passed so quickly over Elizabeth’s countenance, was the key to the Wakefield twins’ undoing, Amy reasoned. She had big plans to exploit Elizabeth’s doubts in order to turn the twins against each other – once and for all!

Will Amy Sutton succeed in turning Jessica and Elizabeth against each other for good? Will Bruce let the ghost of his past love haunt his newfound relationship with Elizabeth Wakefield? Will Jessica and Elizabeth turn into complete whores? Find out in Sweet Valley High No. 13,886, Jessica and Elizabeth Turn Into Complete Whores.