Grandma Blogger in cool hat
Dear Blogging Tyke, come and sit on Grandma’s knees and I will tell you the Blogging Secrets of Life.
(What? you gasp. I’m no tyke! And you’re no grandma! And your knees certainly don’t look sturdy enough to sit upon!)
Yes, child, you are a blogging tyke. You are a wee one in the world of on-line blogging depending on how the experts determine your age. There is a complicated formula utilized by the Powers that Be which figures your blogging age. I’m not 100% certain, but mathematically it goes something like this: number of posts published multiplied by commenters multiplied by hits divided by years plus 6% if the search engines love ya.
Have you figured out your blogging age yet? OK, get on my knee and we’ll get started. (You get off my knee. You’re too heavy. We’re taking that elderly gentleman first.)
Hipster Kitty
1. Write from your heart or inclination, have a ball, and never EVER compare yourself to other bloggers! Since you will forget this advice after your first 100 hits, six commenters or three visits to other blogs, let’s go to #2.
2. Since you will compare yourself to other bloggers unless you’re super mature, try to be patient and kind to yourself. Do not fall into the trap of wanting more hits, desperately wanting more comments and wishing you were a better writer/photographer. This is a tricky cul-de-sac where many of us find ourselves totally lost for sometimes years. Since many of you will fervently want all of the above, move on to #3.
3. The Law of Wanting More (hits, comments, readers, search engine statistics) is a painful place to languish. Get over it quickly. Since you may not be able to get over it quickly, you will undoubtedly try to become Famous or at least read by ten subscribers. How do you do this, you ask? Grandma will share her advanced wisdom gleaned from over 1,200 posts (although she could be off by thousands) and five years experience (although if you count LiveJournal she really should be in the grave by now.)
Listen to the Old Ones
4. Find a blogging subject which is so utterly fascinating that the search engines will discover your blog post and place it in the Top 10 searchable subjects. Write amazing travel posts about the remote location where you live. You are very lucky if you live in, say, Tanzania or Antarctica. If you write one post about your remote location every day for three years the search engines will direct hundreds to your site daily. You will never have to write or photograph again. You can retire after three years and still garner hundreds of hits a day. You’ll be soooo cool you will get visitors while you SLEEP!
5. Since some of you live in more *ordinary* locales, or haven’t stumbled upon your Famous Search Engine luck yet, you may have to discover other ways to find readers. Please study the tips listed below.
a) Write a Lot. Write profusely. Write daily. Write every time a thought pops in your head. (OK, you photographers, I didn’t forget about you. Publish your photos regularly. Never forget your camera. The most wonderful shot on the planet–that will make you blogging famous–will happen when you leave your camera at home. Think of your camera as your child. Never leave her alone.)
You never know. Starbucks might suddenly look illuminated.
b) Write in an entertaining manner, even though certain relatives don’t think you’re funny.
c) Read every other blog on the planet and comment on them all. You don’t have time? Child, this will replace your TV habit! This will replace your love of jigsaw puzzles! Forget Sudoku! Forget playing Spider Solitaire! Forget your job–no, the typing fingers did not mean to say that. Do not forget your job. Blogging will simply replace all your non-essential activities. This is your life now. Plan to devote hours each day (or week) to reading and commenting. They will reciprocate. I promise.
d) Be consistent. Readers come to your site because they like what you’re producing. Don’t be all muddy and confusing and share a bit of everything. (In other words, don’t be like Grandma. She loses readers all the time because they think this is a photography blog or a spiritual blog or a funny blog or a nature blog or an Upper Peninsula blog and then Grandma goes off and just writes personal essays. This is not wise. Be consistent. Or consistently inconsistent.)
e) Speaking of personal blogs, these are the hardest to gain readership, I kid you not. If you’re an exiled Tibetan, or a slow food aficionado, Hollywood insider or inspirational writer you’ll probably have more success. Personal blogs are oftentimes considered boring to your general reading public. (Of course WE know that personal blogs are the most entertaining and interesting of all, but the average reader wants to look at pictures of whales mating or how to find a girlfriend or how to scale the Himalayan mountains during their week off work next summer. They don’t *sniff* want to read about the ordinary loveliness of a human life unless they’re lured into a blog and fall head over heels in love with YOUR life. Just saying, Personal Writer. Don’t expect a lot in the beginning. If ever.)
The laborers; those who struggle
f) If Grandma wrote a blog strictly about the Upper Peninsula (with pictures) she might have thousands of readers. Grandma’s heart isn’t in it, though. She did a one year nature blog back in her blogging youth and the search engines delighted in her subjects like Why did the porcupine cross the road? and The Gall of that Oak Tree! but she wore herself out being a 100% nature girl. It was too consistent.
6. Write short succinct blogs. Do not write 1,220 word essays like this one. It simply isn’t wise. We modern folks have short attention spans. We’re all ADD. We won’t sit and read a million words. Keep your essays under 200 words! You’ll get more readers. If you’re still pining for more readers. Just sayin’.
Keep it short & sweet.
7. Write entertaining, spicy, juicy, interesting headlines to lure your overworked attention-deficit readers! Do not cross the line and gleefully type sensationalist headlines. (You will cross the line. Or you won’t go far enough and no one will read your blogs because they’re not lured to bite your titillating hook. Patience, Little One. With practice, you’ll succeed 62.5% of the time.)
7. Repeat. Have patience, Little One. If you blog long enough, you will *mostly* get over your desire to have more readers, more commenters, and more (and better) statistics. When you reach this relaxed and lovely place where you really don’t care–you’re having a blast blogging just because it’s FUN–then you know you’re really a blogging elder. You’ve passed through your childhood and adolescence and middle age into a deep satisfaction with creating from your heart.
The Wise Elder Blogger we all someday hope to be.
Lake Superior Spirit 
Oh dear I don’t follow all these rules. My blog is supposed to be a light-hearted look at life the universe and everything but then I get a bone between my teeth and can’t let it go.
You don’t follow these rules, Kerry? Really? lol! As for that bone between the teeth, yes, grrrrr, know exactly what you mean!
Thanks for the advice. By the way, I like Personal Blogs, they’re often times more interesting. You do a good job at giving info and being entertaining. I enjoy reading your blog. 🙂
Excellent, Janet, you are a woman of good taste to like Personal Blogs! (I adore them, too. Forget whale watching. A good personal story is worth its weight in gold.) Seriously, thank you for your good comment.
I’m gonna run with ‘consistently inconsistent’, a mind boggling confusion of the splintered blog cuz I dunno who I am yet.
Masqua, do any of us ever know who we are? Maybe what we discover is that we’re everything in the Universe…in which case ‘consistently inconsistent’ is what we are…? Thanks for pausing here.
I’m a moth attracted to light… wherever it might shine in the night. Some are porch lights and some are the stars and impossible to reach.
I am listening carefully but have fallen into all the traps you mention. This is a truly in-depth, fascinating look at the miseries and joys of seeking blogging fame. 🙂
dorannrule, by gosh, so many of us have fallen in these traps! Just wanted all of us to know that they’re part of the Five Stages of Blogging. (Darn, that would have made a creative approach. You know, like the Five Stages of Grieving…)
Lot’s of food for thought here. I have no idea what my blogging age is at this point. Then again, I’m in denial as to what my real age is, an I feel about 12 in all aspects of my life.
Twelve is a good age to be, Lisa. Except for those hormones. They can be so out of control…well, then again, they can be so out of control in we “older” women, too. At age eleven I was way too cocky. I had an epiphany and thought, “I know everything in the world. There’s nothing else to learn.” By age 12 I started to learn I knew absolutely nothing…
Some days I’m 12. Some days I’m 2. Some days I’m 18. Some days I want to suck my thumb and crawl into a cradle.
That is a very cool hat! Not a blogger, don’t intend to be one at this point but if I were to decide to try it out, I’d try to follow your rules. Have a great week!!!
Annie, thank you for liking the hat! Barry won it for me in a fishing tournament in January. Isn’t it the coolest? Sure you don’t want to try your hand at blogging? 😉
Write from your heart is your best piece of advice. I like reading about “ordinary” lives the best. Who cares about superstar lives? Not this blogger. ❤
Not this blogger, either, Stacy. Ordinary lives can be the coolest! Especially when the writer realizes that ordinary is extraordinary…
Kathy,
Oh all so true! You have been there, done that, did you get a t-shirt ? LOL
I remember when I was a new blogger, we were all still on Gaia, I sought you out, because you had a regular blog and you offered much advice. Did I heed any of it, maybe some, maybe none!
Once again humorous, entertaining, insightful….
A t-shirt, Jeff! Gosh darn, never thought of a t-shirt. What would we put on it? I remember you as a wee blogger tyke, too. We were such babies. Maybe part of us still are! Thank you.
Gosh I always have to be the old one. NO, wait, I think I’m just weird about why I post what I post and when and how. It was a shock to me, to see how others might compare blogs. I cannot imagine the point, maybe I’m dense? (this was my playful response of the morning, someone else will get my questioning one)
You’re not dense, Elisa, you’re just mature! You must be. Or maybe–just being so aware of the different parts of self–you realize that there’s no point in comparison. The rest of us can be babies in that realization for a loooong time.
All your advice here rings true to this little blogging tyke, Grandma! I like the idea of my blog falling into the “personal” and “consistently inconsistent” categories, it puts such a positive spin on what might otherwise be counted as negatives. 🙂 No one can blog about blogging better than you do!
Barbara, I asked Barry if he read this post and if he liked it. He said, “All but the Grandma part.” Frown. I liked calling myself a grandma, silly man. But back to you–I LOVE your blog! I love the personal stories intermingled with beauty and wisdom. A little bit of everything. As for blogging about blogging, sometimes I can’t help myself. 🙂
I must be about a blog adolescent. I have made all of the mistakes you list above and continue to write about my life in a very haphazard way. It’s true I get hits when I post about Elephants (in my book review blog) or Gorillas (as I did early on after a visit to the zoo). But that’s not anymore my everyday passion than your porcupine. 🙂 Thankfully I have reached the point where I write because I want and I don’t care (quite as much) about the statistics. A lot of that letting go is thanks to reading your delightful blog posts. Thanks for the encouragement, Grandma 🙂
Lisa, it sounds like elephants and gorillas opened your door to a little blogging relaxation. My first big search engine hit (big to a baby, that is) was “vegetable scraps”. People came from near and far to see a silly post about vegetable scraps. Go figure. Even LESS passion than the porcupine! Truly, truly, you’ve been able to let go of a little stats pressure from reading THESE posts? You’ve made my day, no week!
Kathy – Huge smiles this morning 😀
“Think of your camera as your child. Never leave her alone.”
“Be consistent. Or consistently inconsistent.”
But the best — the part that made me laugh out loud — is your mathematical formula:
“…number of posts published multiplied by commenters multiplied by hits divided by years plus 6% if the search engines love ya.”
Laurie, seriously, sometimes I try to imagine where you might laugh out loud at this silliness. I thought you would like the math formula. Or maybe the grandpa on the knee. But then again, maybe that joke fell flat. Ha ha ha ha!
Wonderful advice!
Oh, Jasmine, you’re the best! And you’re funny, too. Do your family members think you’re funny?
NO ONE LAUGHS harder at ME than ME LOL!!! EVEN now giggling 🙂
Great advice. Now let’s watch as I struggle with it 😉
It’s just a small struggle, because I’m definitely having a blast blogging, but gosh, they put those numbers RIGHT THERE – you can’t help but wish they were BIGGER numbers!
Oh, Heather, maybe we’ll struggle a tiny bit until we are completely engulfed by our heart. Until our heart is bigger than the numbers! I didn’t completely tell the truth here. I am only 91.5% cured. Trying to grow the heart bigger every day…or except the 8.5% of imperfect perfection. Oh and P.S. Here is another important point. You will always wish the numbers were BIGGER. Doesn’t matter if you are getting 50 hits now, you’ll want 75. If you’re getting 100, you’ll want 125. Three hundred you’ll want 350. We human beings are INSATIABLE! That’s why this numbers game is a racket. Worse than going to a casino. OK, jumping off my high horse and…well,maybe going to do the dishes. lol.
I bet you never wish for larger numbers of dishes 😉
Never, ever, Ever! Less dishes are the cat’s pajamas. Hey, have you seen these “Like this” stars beside the comments? Something new, brought to you by WordPress. Not sure I like them. Because I would have to like all of them. How do you say you like one comment and not another?
I hadn’t noticed yet. I think instead of using them on your own blog, the judicious thing to do would be to use them as you see fit on others’ blogs. Because of course we like all the comments folks share with us on our OWN blogs, but sometimes a comment on someone else’s blog could be like-worthy. Or you could always just skip the whole thing because you already do facebook 😉
I knew you’d help me see the way!
Kathy, I feel I should pull out my checkbook (yes, I still pay for services with paper!) I’m new to it all but have been told a platform is mandatory-ugh! I’ve looked at many classes on learning all the things you’ve just mentioned, but none look as succinct as what I’ve just read here. So, thank you! And as soon as I can convince 30 people to “like” my author page facebook.com/mandysmithwriter (they tell me something wonderful happens–like they email you a chart each week that tells you how many people visited your site–woo hoo?) THEN I’m going to take a deep breath and start that blog–with your help. Thanks! I love YOUR blog 🙂
Mandy, I am SO glad this was helpful! Yep, I remember that checkbook, too, lol. Still use it for a few things! But really love the old VISA card because it allows me to fly FOR FREE! Sometimes. I tried to find your FB page and like it, but couldn’t find it for some reason. 😦 You will have an AWESOME time writing your blog! (Except for the aforementioned cul de sacs.) Good luck and thank you for visiting.
What a great post, Kathy. And I would add that it is a lovely idea to put a picture of yourself in the blog once in a while–especially with that insouciant hat. How nice to “see you” this morning!
Why thank you so kindly, Ms. Patty, for liking my hat! I mentioned to a family member–we shan’t say who–to look at the Scandinavian beauty in the photo. The family member laughed and said, “Aren’t we going a bit too far?” lol!
Disown that person! (Just kidding)
I love your blog in that I never know what to expect–you are never boring and I even read your nature stuff which is not high on my list of interests–I love your list even though I probably break about half of these rules — but you are so right–the blog world is fascinating and has replaced spider solitaire for me hands down!
Gosh, LouAnn, to think that I can even lure a non-nature person like yourself over to this blog! It is the highest compliment. As for breaking these rules…shhhh….do not tell…I also break them. Without batting an eyelash. *grin*
“tyke” ??? Are you kidding me Kathy?! You write one word and you get the steal the show…. honest to goodness how do you do that?
I saw that word and it so totally blocked my way, (but no less than that white stuff my bones are allergic too, mind you) that I didn´t manage to get a footstep further.
Well, needless to say, I can hardly accept defeat that just like that, (I will be back for more….) but for now I just had to stop long enough to rub my back against a tree and yawn in gradual joy that winter is melting….. Blessings!
Ma-Li
My dear tyke, did you really get blocked by that little itty bitty word? lol! Gosh, the power of words… and the way our minds BELIEVE itty bitty words. I hope you’ll come back and read all the way to the end where it turned into pure enlightenment. (Ummm, not necessarily MY enlightenment, but possible blogging enlightenment!)
I’ll be only too glad to….
and thank you Kathy for pointing out that I was letting that little tyke get too big for his boots!!
;-))
tee hee…smiling your way, dear poet…
I wish there was an instruction book on how to become Freshly Pressed. I’m no longer a rookie, I hit my one year mark in December. But always love reading blogging tips from you old-timers, I mean, experienced, highly knowledgeable bloggers. 😉
Gosh, Lori, I wish EVERYONE could become Freshly Pressed at least once in their blogging career. And it seems like the FP editor is attempting to do that. He/she certainly visits lots of blogs–lots of different kinds of blogs–and has been sharing all sorts. I picture a 31 year old female with glasses. She’s intrigued by intelligent concepts. That’s my FPressed imagination and I’m stickin’ with it!
Wonderful post and mindless of the word count – I read the entire article! So happy that you reminded the baby bloggers that this really is FUN and the reason we return to it on a regular basis! Good stuff!!
Gosh, you read all these 1,200+ words, Marge Katherine? I am so pleased that not ALL of the population turns away after 200 words. Let’s keep the FUN in blogging! Sounds like a t-shirt… lol…
Sorry ? What did you say ? I’m just here coz I try to visit lots of blogs and leave inane comments in hopes of luring unsuspecting commentators: as opposed to uncommon “tatters” to MY blog. Mmwwah, ha, ha
You ain’t my grandma: you’re my Obi Wan !
You lure ME! You lure ME, Ms. Sybil cuz I adores ya. Even though you might scare me in person unless you have that bracelet on. I have been looking for Obi Wan quotes to answer you, but have got stuck on this one: Obi-Wan: And don’t forget, she’s a politician, and they’re *not* to be trusted.
Leaving you to figure this out, Yoda.
What you have can’t be taught.
What we ALL have can’t be taught, Obi-Wan John. 🙂
Now I am REALLY feeling old! But I’m also chuckling, so that’s okay.
As old as THAT, Pamela? Gosh, I’m sorry! (for everything except the chuckles)
Amen to all that.
Amen, Bonnie. Do you exchange “Peace be with you” in church? I always like that part. Peace be with you, Bonnie.
Ohhh, you’re wonderful. I love your inconsistent, too-long, or too-short, funny personal (though sometimes nature-y and spiritual-y and serious-y) blog. You are my mentor, oh wise one. I learn from you every week. THANK YOU!
WHAT, my friend? You called me your mentor? Oh I love you! What a wonderful compliment on a gray March afternoon when my lower back is aching. I ADORE visiting your blog! And get there far too infrequently even though it always cheers me, delights me and inspires. How’s that for an equal exchange?
We’re even, for sure. Take care of that back. The fog is rolling in here at the SF Bay, and the daffodils are bending over in their yellow delight. I love how you and I live in such different settings, and yet are so alike in our view of ‘life’ in so many ways.
Daffodils? What are they? “Bending over in their yellow delight”…oh I can almost see them. And could start a severe longing for spring, but no, must wait another month or two. I like our alikeness, too. 🙂
Hi Kathy,
Perfectly wonderful! Oh if only I had known all this four yrs ago! 🙂
Hugs
SuZen
SuZen, I think sometimes we blogging babies just have to learn how to crawl through Cyberspace… Thank you!
I love your blog 😀
I never look at my stats, I couldn’t care less if anyone reads me or not. Is that bad of me? 😀
That is MATURE of you, me! (I feel like I’m talking to myself, who hasn’t always been mature.) I so admire bloggers like you. I am 92.5% there. Will you be my guru?
hahahaha of course 😀
Those are very interesting comments and advices, Kathy, thanks a lot. I still have a long way to go but nevertheless I do enjoy posting now and then , when inspiration comes. One thing I do : never leave my camera at home 😉 Love your blog !
Isa, you may not believe this but sometimes I go to your blog just to feel the peace and simplicity and Zen of your energy. Maybe you don’t feel like that all the time, but that’s what shines out of your blog for me.
That is very good to hear Kathy, what a compliment and an encouragement ! Thank you.
At just over a year of consistent blogging, I think I’ve jumped to being an ‘elder’ because I’ve stopped worrying about the stats (for the most part) and I’m trying to just write about stuff I really like. As for 5c – reading other blogs – some have backlogged so badly I may never get back to them, but yours I will always read, even if I’m not as prompt a reader as I should be. Life just gets in the way, sometimes. (sigh!)
You, ‘Grandma’, seem to have the perfect mix of humor, interesting facts, fun titles and lovely photos. Welcome to elder blog-hood! 🙂
Withershins, gosh, welcome to elderhood! Eldership? Cronehood? Anyway, congrats about losing some of the stats worrying and for enjoying the writing process. That’s what is fun, isn’t it? I have a lot of trouble keeping up with the reading, too. I’m better when I don’t write so much. And then there’s that inconvenient life…lol!
life through blogging has its own journey & lessons along its way. its nice. your tips are very helpful. Thank you Kathy. Right now I’m too tired and exhausted. I will come back and read carefully once again. For now, thank you 🙂
l
Why are you so tired and exhausted, Sonali? Have you been off on another trip? Or just working hard at home? Hope you got some sleep and that you’re already thinking about how to become a blogging elder. (Never you mind. You don’t have to think about that. Just get some sleep!)
No Kathy, I was not off on any trip. Simply tired with the things happening. Past two weeks were tough both at work & personal life. Hope in the coming days things settle down & I get some peace.
Peace be with you…
Grin! I appreciate your ‘non-rule’ rules to blogging. I may be in a minority, but I delight in personal blogs and love them with all my heart for being so consistently inconsistent. I am going to save this post and read it again (and again). I had a smile on my face reading it, so thank you Kathy. 🙂
Oh Dana, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways (as you read again and again…) tee hee. Well, Dana, guess what? I’ll give you three guesses. It has to do with something that starts with “s”. It has to do with ten days. It has to do with what we sampled today. Want to guess?
SAUERKRAUT!!!!! You’ll have to tell me all about it! (I really hope the experience was great, because right now, I am beaming like a mama dog who just delivered 25 pups.) I LOVE SAUERKRAUT!
See Sauerkraut story ASAP. I wrote it–in part–for YOU, Mama Dog!
Fun post. I think you should cover time management next. (Though now that you mention it, I have given up spider solitaire…)
Gosh darn, Inger, I SHOULD have mentioned time management! Obviously this head was lost in the clouds. But, truly, can’t imagine how full time workers or parents ever manage to blog regularly. Simply can’t imagine.
These are all very interesting and entertaining “rules”, Kathy, and I’m happy to say that the ones I’ve followed (write from your heart, have a ball) and the ones that I’ve broken (watching word count, consistent subject matter, daily blogging) have been followed or broken to remain true to myself and my mission here, so I’m content. Thank you for the thoughtful advice from your “elder” perspective!
Yep, Cindy, like you I’ve broken most of these rules, too! (Isn’t it fun to share rules when it’s all tongue in cheek and you’re smiling to yourself because you really don’t usually believe in rules?) It’s good when we remain true to ourselves. That seems to be the heart of the matter.
You are so cute Kathy. Blogging is a funny thing, isn’t it? We send our words out into that strange beyond, and wonder who will take interest in them and why. My blogging muse has been quiet for a couple weeks, not intentionally, she just wasn’t sending me any words. I expect she’ll break her silence this weekend – at least I hope so. 🙂
Karma, I am glad your blogging muse broke her silence (although it can be so relaxing when she’s quiet, too.) Glad you thought this was cute. You know it’s really strange. I *apparently* wrote this on March 4th but can hardly remember what I wrote! Do you always remember what you wrote, or do you forget, too?
Sometimes I forget – often when someone leaves me a comment on a post that I wrote some time ago, I have to go back and read it again so that I remember what the comment is in reference to!
I now feel even more like a blogging teenager, after reading this, Kathy. First it was all the angst I’ve posted of late, and now this.
You know, I have a pretty small list of subscribers and I’m happy, because the even smaller group of regular readers/commenters/likers is such a fabulous group of people who I appreciate to no end and who’ve added much to my life. Despite some pitfalls, blogging and that lovely group of people make me happy. Thanks Grandma!
Sid, I am hoping things are going better for you now. Will have to visit your blog soon and see. So glad you have a lovely group of people whom you appreciate so much. I don’t think the size of our followers matters as much as the deepening of relationships and the happiness that can come from that. But that’s because I’m a Grandma! It took me a while to grow into that realization. 🙂
I think you are the bestest grandma to a blogging tyke ever. That blogging advice is invaluable… nod-nod-nod and yep-yep-yep, I go, reading all the way through your list to the very end.
By the way, that warm woolly hat is totally the coolest! 😀
Tee hee, Reggie. Isn’t it fun being a grandma when you’re not really a grandma? Now YOU are definitely a blogging grandma, too! (You may even be older than me…) Glad that you love my hat. I’ve put it away and found a more spring-like warm hat to wear now.
Well, I was just thinking that I must try and find a hat like that for our coming winter, because my hair is so very short at the moment. I wonder if I will find one in Namibia?
Yay for spring in the UP!
Wow! A thousand posts! Thanks for the advice.Learned from it. I’ll treasure your advices, because I know it well help a lot especially to a young blogger like me. And oh, your a diligent great blogger, by visiting your commentators and replying on their comments, :D. Will you really try to visit my blog? Magnificent, that’s nice, because I need great advices from a great blogger like you.
Thank you for pausing to read, Young Blogger! 🙂