“Dance me to the children who are asking to be born, Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn, Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn, Dance me to the end of love.” The Civil Wars
“Baby, I can’t have your babies”.
Stop. Let that sentence marinate.
Now… Let me ask you, when is a good time to introduce the dynamic of infertility into a relationship? When are you supposed to honestly tell the man courting you, that the potential for children with you is slim to none?
Do you tell him when you’re just casually dating— say around month two before you get serious? Before you become exclusive? Do you tell him after you gain the illustrious title of girlfriend? Do you wait until he says “I love you”? (if after, are you potentially challenging his love?) Do you wait until he proposes, thus knowing for sure he sees you in his future? Or do you wait until after you hook him indefinitely? Maybe over breakfast one morning, while pouring his coffee and nuzzling his neck, you pop the American Dream bubble painting the white picket fence orange, and replacingthe 2.5 kids with dogs.
It boils down to how important kids are to the equation of everlasting happiness. Based on SBM.org’s latest post and the succession of comments, a woman can be disqualified from future wifedom based on her maternal potential.So how do you handle this situation with a future mate?
It brings up three interesting topics where a woman’s infertility is involved.
1. Men don’t actively think of adoption
I’m not sure if it’s a planning thing or if men are so sure of their potency that the idea of adoption as the only method of continuing their lineage never pops into their head. Historically it’s always been seen as the woman’s issue if her womb doesn’t respond, which leaves the man free to pursue other options. Inn the case where it is known that the woman is barren before matrimony, he has the option not to continue in the relationship because in the long run it doesn’t benefit his life plan.
There is no overwhelming hanker to raise and nurture a little one that doesn’t belong to you.
2. A man’s strength can only be tested so much
Let’s say the man decides to press on, accepting a woman’s sterile hollow, he better be prepared for lot’s of pity. I don’t know why but it seems like a husband’s affinity for his wife is judged on how many kids he begets on her.
Not only does it show his virility (read manliness), it also highlights an outward manifestation of his continued affection for his spouse. I.E. he willingly and eagerly seeks her bed often and here’s the proof.
Now imagine a marriage timeline of pained smiles when people ask when you’re going to pop out some babies. Or the awkward silence after you explain that though you’ve been married nearly a decade, you have no step-ladder visual painting the picture of forever.
Men, can you live with a loving spouse but no legacy?
3. If you truly love someone, you should let them go…. Right?
Let’s say the committed relationship presents itself, the hurdle of infertility long in the distance, how do you know if he’s really ready?
Can he handle the disappointment of an incomplete nucleus? What if, by chance, you are able to conceive but it ends in miscarriage each time? Can you handle waking up to blood drenched sheets? The remnants of lost life creating chasms in a sacred bond.
Will you hold me as I cry myself to sleep every night for a life that could have been? Will you talk me through the joys of other conceptions and subsequent births, knowing that can never be our life? Will you console me as I stare out into nothing feeling lost and incomplete? Is that too much to ask?
Should I ask you to change your image of normal for me?
Or should I love you enough to know your dreams should realize, but it may not be with me? Can I bring myself to say “Mr. Bee, I love you to pieces and back whole again but I won’t ask you to be satisfied with only me for the next 50 years; so with a sweetly sinful meld of parted lips, I wish you infinite happiness… with another”?
Readers: What would you do? Any advice? Do you believe in forever? Guys, if your girl told you she couldn’t bear your seed, would you still see her in your fantasy of for always?
The Soundtrack of My Life 
Nov 11, 2011 @ 08:34:28
“Or the awkward silence after you explain that though you’ve been married nearly a decade, you have no step-ladder visual painting the picture of forever.”
That was us. There is so much I could say, but the comments section simply can not contain all that could be said, so I will say these few things:
When I met my exhusband, I explained early on- like a couple months in- that I had a “feeling” that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, but that I did want them. He said “I don’t really care about that, I love YOU, so it is what it is.” At that time, it really was just a feeling.
As the years went on, we tried, and failed, a million times. Always knowing that eventually we’d be able to afford the big guns (IVF, etc) and so we need not panic just yet. However, it’s a tough, tough road and therefore takes a special man, is really all I can say.
It wasn’t until about year 8 that we started coming out of the infertility closet- mainly because we were approaching time for the big guns and needed folks to know what was going on so they would leave us the hell alone about making babies.
I think what’s important is that there are men who, whether they want children or not, are willing and able to love a woman who may not physically be able to give that to them. In addition, there are men who can not have children looking for women in the same situation.
The pressure is real. And it’s even worse from outsiders… because he can love you all day, but his people- his mama/his boys, etc- they will definitely have something to say. But if he loves you? You conquer ignorance about it.
The affect of infertility on womanhood is its own post.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 20:50:31
Thanks for reading Chunk! I hope you come back again :). Please forgive me for taking so long to respond.
Thanks for being so honest. I think this is a hard conversation to have even with other women, right? Either they don’t want to believe it or they buffer you with platitudes…
I think my next post will be on “the affect of infertility on womanhood”, it’s still in draft format now.
Nov 11, 2011 @ 08:38:00
Indeed I am speechless. I’ve always been upfront about my organs ;). It always seems to just pop up in random conversations. I guess that’s what happens when you enter into something new and you already have a child(ren). But now, knowing what I know and IF I were to enter into a brand new relationship with someone, I think I would have to hear their thoughts on kids first before giving him the bad news that I could possibly die during childbirth…
… which means I can somewhat relate. I have 2 kids already. They are not suppose to be here due to my endometriosis (scar tissue/deformity of the uterus). So I was suppose to be either barren or just unable to carry. My son was indeed a surprise, all the more reason to hand over my rights for pro-choice. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. I thought it would be my only chance at childbirth. My daughter was planned on top of knowing I’m a walking time bomb and have been lucky enough to get a toe into my 3rd trimester. Breaking this down to my S/O, who keeps mentioning trying for a son, can definitely give you bubble guts with each and every thought. For me, it tends to be a subject very well avoided. He gives me the assurance that I gave him a daughter (who is loved no different because of her chromosomes) but I can tell when it lingers in his thought process. He had the pleasure of witnessing them telling me that I was an inch away from stroking before having a c-section. But I felt fine!! LOL!!! They gave us our options after my daughter, but I don’t think he wants to live with carrying the weight if anything goes wrong for sure.
Nov 13, 2011 @ 20:54:35
I’ve yet to learn how to properly respond to a guy when he says, Yes I see kids in my future. Am I being selfish if I really like him and just wait to have that serious talk because… because I want to date like any normal woman? Because I don’t want to be ruled out immediately? Because I want to believe for a moment that he will fall in love with me and ignore this imperfection?
Congratulations on two beautiful bundles! I hope you take lots of pictures. I’m an aunt to 24 and I post those little cherubs up like they’re my own (smile). I hope that you can have more!
Nov 14, 2011 @ 08:23:13
Thank you hun! Trust me, the pictures flows like water. LOL!! Superior is 7 and Blessing is 2.
I believe that if you are already on the subject when conversing, you may as well be upfront with him. Any man that has full 20/20 vision of you in his future (even without the possibility of marriage) would be willing to carry your uterus for you. I found that out when trying to conceive my daughter. After trying for almost a year, I finally gave him the news that everything wasn’t wrapped too tight. I think it kind of pissed him off but he was the one that came to me with the alternatives. Who would have thunk it? lol
I think you are too hard on yourself and YOU are actually ruling yourself out before “he” is given the chance. Believe me, having kids isn’t all it’s cut out to be. You should read my post about the “Forgotten Occupation”. When looking for love or finding it, everything incorporated in ones soul should be perfection in the opponents eyes, flaws and all. Sure, a child can bare an almost supernatural connection between 2 people, but there is far more to us women than baring life. A real man that can seek that and snatch that out of a woman will make you forget about what SEEMS like failure. You are a woman in so many other ways. If you can’t see it, then no one else will.
Nov 19, 2011 @ 15:17:17
If I love her and she can’t have children I would deal with it. I wouldn’t be upset with her. We would sit down, talk about it and proceed from there. If we want children then we will look at our options. If we decide not to have children then we will pour more love into each other. I wouldn’t hold it over her head. I would support her in every way that I can.
Nov 19, 2011 @ 16:48:10
I think the thought is, could you love her knowing she couldn’t? the idea is that it’s harder for men to fall in love when they have all of the facts, but then you don’t want to lie…
Nov 19, 2011 @ 17:08:52
Trust that if she told me that up front I would have even more respect for her. Some women may try to hide that, but if she revealed it and didn’t try to hide it before I fell for her it would mean that much more to me. I would accept her for who she is and not judge her because she was unable to have children. I don’t think that would be right.