But your empty eyes seem to pass me by, leave me dancing with myself
People kind of suck. That’s a broad generalization, I realize, but to some extent, it’s true. Whose fault is that, though? Is it their fault? Or is it mine? Not that I’m to blame for anyone else’s actions, that isn’t what I mean. Are my expectations too high? Sometimes I think they are. Sometimes I think that having any expectations of other people at all is a poor way to live my life. It’s funny, because I recognize how damaging expectations can be in most arenas; if there’s a movie I’m really excited about, for example, I go in expecting it to be terrible. Utterly disappointing. That way, if it isn’t terrible, if it has any redeeming value whatsoever, I’m able to enjoy it–it’s surpassed my expectations. So are those actually expectations? Is “I expect this to be terrible” any different than “I expect nothing one way or the other”? Would I be less disappointed in people if I tried to think this way about my relationships, not just pop culture?
What’s that really accomplish though? Is it healthy? Have I asked too many rhetorical questions in the last three minutes? (Yes.) If my expectations for people are negative, if I expect them to disappoint me, to be sort of shitty…will I be happy when they do that? “Well, at least they did what I expected them to do.” That seems…I don’t know. If I set the bar that low, what’s the point? If I expect to just always be near the bottom of someone’s priorities, does that help the feeling of dejection because it’s expected? It seems like it may just make me a doormat. “Treat me however you’d like, I expect the worst from you, you can’t disappoint.”
So what about the other? No expectations. Blank slate. Let’s ignore the fact, for the time being, that I don’t remotely know how to cleanse myself of any and all expectations, to just take things as they come along without any sort of anticipation. So, presuming I could magically start doing that…I don’t know, it seems sort of apathetic. I don’t know why, necessarily; it just seems very passive.
None of this makes any real sense, I’m sorry. It also isn’t about any one person in particular. It really isn’t even about you, I don’t think. I’ve had a general feeling of malaise the last week or two–though it was briefly dispelled Monday night, but that’s a topic for another time, I think–and I don’t know why. I think I’m tired of feeling unimportant? Like I’m…a consolation prize. And maybe that’s more my own issue than anything actually going on in my life, but regardless, it’s distressing. Since I’ve been feeling this way, there’s been something of a hollowness inside, something different than the emptiness I’ve felt since losing you. That emptiness hurts. This, though…it’s just nothing. I was at a store earlier today that sold balloons, and one had escaped from the pack. It was blowing back and forth between two huge fans, both set up on shelves close to the ceiling. It was like a real-life game of Pong, and…I stared at it for what may have been a few minutes. Because that’s how I feel. Like I’m just sort of floating back and forth between nothing, with no real control over where I’m going. And at any given moment, I could just pop; that would be that. And…who really gives a damn when a balloon pops?
Messages to Nowhere 
Dee Lopez said,
June 2, 2010 at 8:54 am
That is very sad how you are feeling.. I am very sorry for your pain I just wanted to know that You are worth it even when you think you are not… It has been long that I miss him and no matter how much I try I always end in the same place How Love could be this strong?
I adore him and now is over and NOw is over… This is a sad world dear friend..
Always love you 1233…
mnemosyne415 said,
June 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm
And I was starting to think that you couldn’t come up with any more notions I could find myself relating to. You’ve just blown by MY expectations of you, but the truth is I didn’t really have any. They kind of just…spontaneously burst into existence as I read this. This Message feels more profound any of the other recent ones. I feel you, for real.
Dee Lopez said,
June 3, 2010 at 1:38 am
Whatever you set your mind into that is exactly what you will attract..
We teach people to how to treat ourself.. You need to press more value on yourself and Let me tell you this, women are pretty good at reading guys,They just let them have the upper hand for men to feel powerful when in the other hand they are running the show.. Bad attention still attention don’t you ever forget that If really want this girl you need to have a plan nobody’s win a war without it and there is a point at the relationships that people had invested so much that They can’t let them go..
I think that if she really want you back you she will be here by now,be careful women could be treaky by tell what you want to hear and to show you what you don’t want to don’t see..
If women only knew the power that they have other man.. Men will be fked!
Ps… If you like to email me feel free and I’ll tell you something that every man should know..
If this is just a game then keep posting I enjoy reading them..It’s hard to believe that someone wants somebody for so long and don’t do anything about it.. Or maybe you love her but you just don’t want her back… It could happens… Good Luck!
armzstat said,
June 18, 2010 at 6:45 pm
i reallly like your blogs they reflect the pain that i feel inside, and they literally relate to me like crazy.. i feel the exact same thing, and wonder the exact same things. The only difference between you and me though, is that.. I am a girl, seeking a guy who left me because of the same reasons that you state. Another thing is, before he left he never said he loved me, and that he was not allowed to talk to me.. he just hated me because i kept calling him and texting him afterwards.. which was wrong on my part but if only i had known, i wouldn’t do it and there still would’ve been a chance..
oh well..
check out my blog for more info on my story
thank you for inspiring me,
you really did 🙂
how much should i weigh said,
June 19, 2010 at 1:41 am
hey whats your myspace page.
armzstat said,
June 19, 2010 at 11:36 am
me?
income tax calculator said,
August 3, 2010 at 4:41 am
do u have a twitter