Breaking up is not an easy thing to do, even if you’re the one doing the breaking up. It’s hard enough trying to ‘consciously uncouple’ without having the stress of being friends with your ex. And then there’s that ‘thing’ about how if you’re not friends with your ex, then you’re being emotionally immature, or you’re just not being cool.

Sometimes it might just seem easier to go through the separation process if you could at least remain friends. How many friends do you know who broke up two minutes ago and are now ‘friends’ with their exes only to end up in a massive row when one of them finds the other dating another person? Or perhaps that could be the story of your own relationship.

There’s so much pressure to be able to just flip that switch from being lovers to suddenly being mates. It’s really not realistic. Whether you want to remain friends with your ex or not, there should always be a cooling off period where both of you have time to untangle from each other and get your footing as single people.

That said, there really is no rule that says you have to be friends with you ex. In fact there are no rules that say you have to remain friends with anyone for that matter. And if you can break off a friendship – for whatever reason – then why not un-friend an ex as well? Even if you can’t find a good reason as to why you don’t want to be friends with them, it doesn’t matter. You don’t owe anyone friendship.

Also, sometimes when you still need to heal, it manifests in many different ways. And if you find yourself resisting meeting/seeing your ex, it could be a sign that you haven’t fully healed and need more solo time. And that is perfectly ok. Here are some reasons why you shouldn’t be friends with you ex:

Your relationship was abusive:

No, you don’t have to be the ‘bigger’ person and remain friends. When you finally untangle yourself from an abusive relationship, it takes a long time before you start to feel normal again. There is no reason to try and be friendly with the abusive ex. These people suck. Don’t be their friend! You need space, lots of space, in order to heal. And if you were the abuser, then just stay away from your ex and let them heal, ok?

You were cheated on:

I always find it interesting to see couples on TV who are separated because one partner cheated, who are still friends. I’m not saying that they couldn’t have worked out their issues and moved on – that happens – but it just also feels kinda fake. If you were cheated on and don’t ever want to speak to your ex, then go right ahead! Just hum Beyoncé’s Irreplaceable as you move on. To the left, to the left!

You just don’t wanna:

And that’s ok. I promise it’s ok. Even if it seems like you’re trying to be hurtful and mean, it’s still ok. It’s ok to not be friends with exes, with people, with babies, neighbors, and dogs.

You’re going to be ok.