When I became engaged, the women at work said, “Should we tell her?”
I said, “Tell me what?!”
They said, “That it doesn’t last…”
They were referring to the strong feelings of love and excitement for one another in a marriage.
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I firmly disagree. Keeping the feelings is a decision. You can decide to make them last with an enlightened approach. Be warned that this may not be possible without certain tools. These tools are practices, daily strategies, and compromises that I will share today.
We all know couples who are “going through the motions” together as a family unit. They have lost that loving feeling. We’ve all heard people say that relationships “take work.”
I say that they take awareness of ourselves and of certain practices. There are practices that can be done to manage the attraction and keep the good feelings flowing between two people in a committed relationship.
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When bad feelings are built up inside of us over disagreements, resentment, and anger, they tend to block our hearts from connecting to one another. This blocks our attraction to one another.
Attraction is a big part of the good feelings that draw us close to one another.
Attraction is the motivation that keeps us wanting to please one another.
Attraction is the glue that keeps the relationship together.
Hands down.
Attraction is often what brought us together in the first place, and ultimately what motivated us to commit for life.
Be aware of how to maintain the attraction and adopt some practices to help keep things flowing in the relationship. Denying the importance of attraction should be done at your own peril.
I’m going to share some proven techniques that help keep the good feelings of attraction going over time. I’m not talking about physical attraction here. But it never hurts to make efforts to remain “easy on the eyes.”
If you want to divorce-proof your marriage, start with this list! You will be surprised at how much the practices on this list can radically improve your relationship.
Tips to divorce-proof your relationship
1. Practicing gratitude
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Water each other. Take time out frequently to share three things you each appreciate about one another. It does not have to necessarily be done in a structured way. You can start the flow of gratitude in your relationship simply by sharing what you appreciate as soon as today.
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2. Check in
Take a moment to sit with your partner and ask them if there is anything that they need more of in the relationship. Preface this by saying it is a safe environment to share what’s on each other’s hearts without defensiveness. Be open to your partner’s needs.
3. Taking one for the team
We are not always in the mood for sex or affection. It’s proven that making love keeps good feelings flowing. So if you’re not in the mood and she is, take one for the team every once in a while. Disclaimer here is that if libidos are a true mismatch, it can be detrimental to the relationship if there is inflexibility from either partner. Continue to read below to learn more about inflexibility.
4. Non-blaming communication styles
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Remove blaming statements from your vocabulary. Take responsibility for how you could have contributed or communicated better to have created a better outcome for the problem. Otherwise, realize that you’re not perfect and things just happen sometimes. Nobody in a partnership wants to be blamed as this will cause anger and resentment. You will be surprised how much damage can be removed by changing this one bad habit!
5. Contempt awareness
Do you feel yourself looking down on your partner or feeling that you are better than them some of the time? Do you find yourself feeling disgusted or rolling your eyes? If so, you’re in divorce danger zone. Catch yourself. You need to practice gratitude, empathy, and understanding to be able to reverse these contemptuous thoughts before they grow out of control.
6. Incorporating humor
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Realize that everyone’s dark shadow behaviors come up sometimes. One can take a heavy moment and share a joke about it to lighten up the moment in a sympathetic way. This can change the mood of the moment instantly. My husband has a knack for doing this. When I say something he could get mad about, he realizes it’s not meant to hurt him, that it was a moment in time I got triggered and he manages to make light of it. We both end up laughing. When someone offends you, you are at a crossroad. It’s a moment that can turn into a fight or you can have a chance to make it light. Choose humor.
7. Mutual vulnerability
Taking time out to learn about one another. We have all heard that it is important to continue to learn about our partner. Not many of us know how to do so. Take a moment to search up some intimacy provoking questions to ask your partner and use these on your next date night. Be daring with your questions. You may learn things you never knew about your partner or at least be reminded of things you admire about the person, that you may have not thought about in quite a while. I’d love to hear how it goes!
8. Building shared experiences
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It’s great that we follow our curiosities and passions and have hobbies that we love. It’s important to make sure that some of those involve time spent together. New and exciting interests that can be co-created and shared will create excitement, bonding, and togetherness. Too much time apart can signal to your partner that you do not care to have shared experiences. This can be a downward spiral toward divorce.
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9. Flexibility
Fears can creep in and destroy a relationship. I have a client whose husband is rigid and overprotective, and this translates into harsh rules and a dictatorship over the family. I have another client who is afraid to mess up anything he does around home improvement because his wife’s judgments are so harsh. He feels like everything has to be perfect all the time. So he walks on eggshells. This kind of inflexibility makes a partner feel enslaved and unheard. People need to feel they are heard. They need to feel that their opinion matters. Your partner may stay with you but they may be too afraid to speak to you about it. They may stay but they will never feel truly happy. The resentment will be there, and this will certainly cause a disconnect.
When we become more aware of ourselves and how we show up in relationships, we can start to improve the experience our partner has with us. When you know there are things you can practice and do to help bad feelings from creeping in and blocking your heart’s true feelings, you have to tools to keep the attraction flowing in your union for life.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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