Supernova-The Sun is Going to Blaaaaahhh….

Yet another from the good ol’ Sci-Fi 4-pack. One would think that when I manage to happen across a collection of copious crap like this that I would watch one, then move on and assume that all of them suck. Alas, I always have hope that at least one will attempt to redeem the collection. Then again, I may be wrong and end up feeling like I have been taken advantage of or cheated because I at least want to be kissed while I’m being…

Peter Fonda stars as Dr. Shepherd. Shepherd finds through a mathematical formula figured out by his colleague Chris(Luke Perry) that the sun is actually older than we thought, and that it is going to supernova in a matter of days.

Or weeks. Or hours. He really isn’t that specific.

In fact, this whole movie isn’t that specific. His assistant, Ginny(Clemency Burton-Hill), sets off for the day to see her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Chris returns home to his family only to be told by his wife that she is still having nightmares about the serial killer that came after her and their daughter a year ago. Chris tells her that he has to leave…

I grab the case and look at the running time. One hundred and seventy minutes. Almost 3 hours long?! Jesus.

Let’s skip ahead.

Chris and a team of European scientists are picked up by Agent Delgado(Tia Carrere) and wisked away to an underground facility ruled by Lance Henrickson. Just when I didn’t think it would stop, we get more explanations of what is happening on the sun.

Meanwhile, the Earth is getting firebombed as the sun readies itself to explode. Chaos erupts, and the serial killer Grant Cole(who cares?) escapes to come after Chris’s family. A British reporter named Laurie Stephenson shows up and has history with Lance Henrickson that dates back to Bosnia. About six scenes later, each one ending with a dramatic gaze into the distance by the character during their close up, we get another explanation of what is going on with the sun.

More chaos, more bad acting, and we get a close up of Ginny with her “Oh, my God” gaze that comes off more like her “Ermahgerd!” face.

Complete with tongue hanging out. I can’t make this up.

More chaos, more Cole grunting as he plots his revenge, more explanations of what is happening with the sun, and we get credits! The movie is over!

No, it’s not!

The second half of this Hallmark miniseries opens with a thrash-metal theme, and I find myself headbanging while holding up the heavy metal hand. I then apologize to the metal Gods and all that is Iron Maiden and continue my self-inflicted torture.

Guess what? It’s another hour and a half of the same friggin’ thing that went on in the first half!

It all climaxes in a secret lab with a government plot, Ginny, Laurie, Chris, two never-before-introduced colleagues, and dramatic music. Suddenly, in one sphincter-tightening moment, Chris realizes that he made a mathematical error. He added a plus sign where there should have been a minus.

I hate it when I do that.  Psh.

Poof! The sun stops blowing up, everyone is happy, and the Supernova is averted! Yes, it took three hours for Hallmark to tell me that Luke Perry is a complete idiot who made his career by making out with Shannon Doherty and should have stopped with his bit role in the Fifth Element.

But WAIT!! It’s not over! Suddenly, someone decided to inject Friday the 13th DNA into the script, and Grant Cole shows up to butcher Chris’s wife for sending him to prison. Chris is almost killed by Cole when his wife shoots him. Then end. No, really.

Watching this movie was about as fun as having shishkabob skewers rammed under my toenails. What’s sad is that this might be the good movie on the 4pack, making the whole collection an utter failure(in case you haven’t guessed, I’m SO optimistic about the final movie in the collection).

Peter Fonda may have been great in his younger days, but it looks like Kevin Costner got a hold of him and retrained him to have less personality than the Terminator.

Yes, I mean the Governor of California, not the cool robot from the movie.

Tia Carrere’s acting was better in Wayne’s World, and don’t even go there with Luke Perry. Dude, you are NOT Justin Timberlake so stop trying to act like him.

I have also determined that the Sci-Fi community HATES the Saint Louis Arch because this is the THIRD movie in a row that I have seen its destruction. I thought it was established by Planet of the Apes that we hated the Statue of Liberty, but I guess that just goes to show what an out of date nerd I am.

I have seen Do-It-Yourself videos on how to properly use a commode that are more interesting than this movie. Ben Stein(“Bueller…Bueller…”) would have made this movie more fun to watch. Hell, watching reruns of “The Facts of Life” on Lifetime(read “The Ovary Channel”) would be more intellectually stimulating than this pile of goat poo.

I would rather be inappropriately fondled by an angry sociopathic rabid porcupine with mommy issues than watch this movie again.