There seems to have been a rash of break ups lately. 😦 How my heart aches for anyone who is experiencing that kind of intense pain and grief. In this post, I am addressing couples who were not yet married. (I have a similar post for wives whose husbands want to separate or want a divorce on my other blog today.)
I want to offer some suggestions to prayerfully consider if this is your difficult situation right now:
- Don’t freak out, especially around your man.
This is much easier said than done, of course. But, if you go ballistic on your guy when he says he needs space or wants to leave, you are only confirming to him that he made the right decision and that you bring too much drama to his life and that he is better off without you. Not the message you want to send!
If you are able, by God’s power, to remain calm and relatively poised, your godly self-control, patience, goodness, love and gentleness will probably catch your man off guard and may even make him rethink things a bit in time. It will show him that you have a level of spiritual maturity that is powerful. And it may prevent him from feeling like he needs to leave you.
A woman who is Spirit-filled, gentle, peaceful and self-controlled is very precious and valuable.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. I Peter 3:3-4
- Give him space and time.
This will not come naturally at all. It will take a very strong faith in God to rest and trust in God’s sovereignty and not give in to your feelings that are screaming at you to chase your guy and hunt him down. But, if you try to force him to come to you after he asked for space, you will repel him to the point that he will not feel that he can return to you, even if he wanted to. I am not saying that if you give him space and time, he will always come back. But if he is going to come back, it will only be if he feels respected in his request for space.
Let God speak to his heart. Let him see how much he misses you. God can do more that you can imagine without your help. If you text and call your ex, you may make it harder for him to hear God. Trust God to work out things for your ultimate good as you fully trust Him and submit to Him whatever the outcome may be, knowing that God knows how to direct the course of your life and that His wisdom is much higher than yours.
Do a study about waiting on the Lord. Find all the Bible passages that say to “wait on the Lord” and about how “The LORD will fight for you, you need only to be still” (Ex. 14:14).
Study God’s sovereignty particularly in the Old Teatament in Genesis, Exodus, Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ruth, Esther and the prophets.
- Realize that this may not be about you.
Sometimes men leave because they may feel unprepared to be godly husbands. If a man didn’t have godly examples in his life, the thought of trying to be a good husband may be overwhelming. He may need time to work through his own concerns. That has to be ok. He may have a lot of stress in his life. He may be feeling overwhelmed. He may not want to burden you. He may not think he is able to give you all that he wants to. He may have open wounds.
Pray for God to accomplish His purposes and His will in your man’s life whether or not he comes back to you. Pray for God to draw him to Himself and for God to be greatly glorified in his life. Pray for emotional and spiritual healing in his life that he might be a faithful servant in God’s kingdom.
Read Romans 12:9-21 about how God desires us to treat those who mistreat us. Don’t take revenge!
- If he did break up with you because of your behavior or attitudes, realize that God may be speaking to you through this situation.
Ask God to help you see any sin in your life and anything you may need to repent of to God and to your man. Embrace whatever God wants you to learn and be willing to grow and become a more Christlike woman through this painful trial. Allow God to show you anything He wants to and let Him use this to refine your faith and make you stronger in your faith and in your walk with Him.
Study in God’s Word about life giving rebukes and how a wise person responds to a rebuke (Proverbs).
There may be something you need to apologize for. Pray about that. Wait a little while for your emotions to settle down – maybe a week or two. And when you know in your heart that God says the timing is right, write a brief apology to him if you believe that is what God is calling you to do. But do not expect anything in return.
- Regardless of the reason for the break up, ask God to use this time to help you grow, mature and become stronger in your faith in Christ.
God promises to use suffering to refine, mature and grow us and to conform us to the image of Christ (I Peter, Hebrews 12, James 1). Ask God what He might desire you to learn. Be open to anything He wants to teach you and just cling to Christ, spending a lot of time in prayer and in God’s Word and maybe even fasting and seeking God’s will.
- Focus on Praising God.
Read Psalms. Listen to and sing along with praise and worship music. Write down all the blessings God has given you. Think about things to be thankful for. Learn to rest and live in God’s peace in the midst of uncertainty. There will be so many times you will need to do this in life!
Philippians 4:4-8 is a fantastic passage to memorize and study during a time like this.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:4-8
- Allow yourself to be human, to have feelings, and to process your emotions.
You are going to grieve and mourn and be sad when a very special relationship ends. Every little thing may trigger a flood of emotions: a favorite restaurant, an aisle in the grocery store that has his favorite food, phrases he said often, his name and all kinds of things may trigger memories that may be very painful. Take the time you need to work through these things. Take your pain to God. Listen for anytihg God may be whispering to you.
Psalms is a great book to read when you are grieving.
- Use caution in accepting well-meaning advice from friends and family.
Some people may try to rush you on to another relationship. Some may tell you that you are better off without your guy and to forget about him. Most people won’t understand being patient and waiting for God to work and to direct you. And most women today won’t understand why on earth you aren’t calling and texting him and telling him what to do. That is ok. Listen to God, not to other people.
- If he wants to get together, prayerfully consider allowing him to speak first and then listen carefully to whatever he has to say.
You might just be surprised about what God may have been doing in his life. It could be wise to let him share first. If you begin to flood him with negativity or criticism, you may miss out on a huge blessing! This requires incredible patience and self-control. But it may be worth it.
- If he doesn’t want to get back together, respect his decision and trust God’s sovereignty.
Listen to God’s Spirit about when it is time to move on. If you have given him a month or two, and haven’t heard from him, and have peace about moving on, please feel free to do so. Don’t try to force him to return to you. If you believe God wants you to continue to wait, then continue to wait on God and His perfect timing and His will.
- If he does return, consider taking things very slowly.
Don’t try to start where you left off, unless you are very sure you know God is giving you a green light about that. I would suggest prayerfully considering rebuilding the relationship very slowly and purposely on God’s principles and taking care of any problems in a spiritually mature, godly way.
- Watch out for bitterness.
Bitterness is very toxic! Focus on forgiving and not clinging to resentment. You don’t have to trust this man until he rebuilds trust. But ask God to empower you to forgive him of every offense so that you don’t get caught in the sins of unforgiveness and bitterness.
Here is the first post in a series on Bitterness
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15
- Seek God and His will above all else. Hold your dreams loosely.
Be open to any outcome God feels is best for you. This is always important as we submit fully to Christ as Lord. We cling to Him and allow Him to give or take in our lives according to His wisdom.
Submission means we hold things of this world loosely.
- If your man was not a believer or tried to hurt your walk with Christ and encourage you to stray from Him and to sin, please don’t take him back. Only take him back if you have clear peace from God and if this man is committed to living his life in submission to Christ. He doesn’t have to live out his faith the exact way you do – but he should want to put Christ above all else in his life. He should be grieved over any sin in his own life. He should be humbly willing to repent of any offenses he has caused.
God’s Word is very clear that we are not to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers and that we are only to marry someone (and only date someone) who is “in the Lord.” (I Corinthians 7:39, II Corinthians 6:14).
I am praying for each of you to have God’s wisdom as you face these fiery trials. And I am praying for Him to use this time of suffering to ultimately bless you and to produce good in your life and His greatest glory.
RELATED FOLLOW-UP POST:
Peaceful Single Girl 
N
November 24, 2014
Thanks April! This was so timely. I thiiiiink I’m about just broken up too. We are on a silent thing now but it seems very sure we cannot move forward unless certain things change. I’ve started to read this book by Linda Rooks called Broken Hearts On Hold. It’s a painful but healing book and I would suggest this to anyone going through this waiting phase 🙂
Peacefulwife
November 24, 2014
N,
Thank you for sharing this book. That sounds very interesting! I am praying for you in this time of trial, my precious sister. Praying for God’s wisdom, HIs will and His greatest glory in your life, in your man’s life and in your relationship.
savedheiress
November 24, 2014
Reblogged this on savedheiress and commented:
Are you in a time of separation? This is for you!
Rebekah
November 25, 2014
Thanks for writing this, April! I’ve been on break with a man for three weeks now and I’ve had a difficult time not contacting him. He is going through a lot of stress and is taking a break from several aspects of his life. Being a girl, I’ve been so tempted to check up on him. This bit of encouragement really helps!
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
Rebekah,
I am so glad. I pray for God’s wisdom for you both and for you to use this time to grow in your walk with Christ. Much love to you!
jack
November 25, 2014
“Sometimes men run because they are afraid that they aren’t prepared to be godly husbands. If a man didn’t have godly examples in his life, the thought of trying to be a good husband may be really scary. ”
Oh, dear…
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
Jack,
I have some particular examples in mind – but, if you disagree with my explanation, or would rather me word things differently, I am glad to hear your thoughts. 🙂
jack
November 25, 2014
Well, it’s not about offending men, it is about possibly creating the wrong impression about mens’ motivations in the mind of the women. When a guy leaves, it is pretty important that a girl know that he may have a variety of motivators.
For instance, I vanished from one girl’s life because although she was fun sometimes, she was a top-rate complainer and would get very crabby lots of the time.
It would be easy for her to couch my departure as being “afraid of commitment”. Well, no, I just decided I did not want to deal with a crabby person. Perhaps I can’t “handle” a strong woman? This is another way to reframe a bossy girl’s personality as a defect of the man.
Yes, I could “handle” it, but why would I want to? Would we phrase it the other way if the guy was a lazy, unambitious person? “Jenny ran from Joe – she was “afraid” of commitment, and needs to develop the maturity to be in a relationship.” I don’t think we would likely hear it put that way.
It is a common artifact of our current American culture that most if not all relationship difficulties are framed as being somehow the result of some incapacity or immaturity on the part of the man. Yet, my whole life I have always been fairly amazed at the immaturity of most of the women my age, even later in life.
If we are going to assume that a man “runs” because he is “afraid”, then I would say that no one should get upset if I suggest that when a woman leaves, she is “running” because she has unrealistic expectations of getting a better man. Or because she is not done pursuing selective promiscuity. I doubt women would tolerate such a default assumption.
Some men run because they are immature. Some men run from immature women. Some men run because they are afraid to be fathers. Some run because they think the girl will be a scary mother. But even the term “run” carries the implication that the man is a coward. So, once again, we see the ever-present viewpoint of seeing men as little boys.
Reasons I have left relationships (call it “running” if you must):
The girl:
-turned out to have a very promiscuous past
-turned out to be a complainer
-was terrible with money, like 100K debt terrible
-was just plain crazy
-cheated on me
-had a massive victim complex (everyone is picking on me!!!)
-had a huge brat for a child
-gained 30lbs while we were dating (bait ‘n’ switch)
In each of these cases, they could easily have pinned it on my “lack of maturity” or “fear”. Even when done with empathy and forgiveness, it still perpetuates the idea that I would have been the faulty party. In fact, in each case, I was the one who was avoiding a disastrous relationship where it would have been the girl who lacked maturity.
The women who are getting dumped need to realistically evaluate the reason it occurred. It MIGHT be an immature man. Or it might be that the guy realizes that his life, resources, and precious freedom would be better spent on someone who would not make him miserable.
Men run from misery far more than they run from responsibility.
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
Jack,
I really appreciate this insight! Wow. I didn’t even notice my use of the word run.
Thank you for sharing these other causes that may be behind a man leaving a relationship. I think that last statement is especially important. Maybe I need to do a follow up post and talk about some of these ideas, as well.
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
Jack,
Would it be ok if I share a bit of what you shared with me in a post? The part about misery vs responsibility is SO GOOD!
jack
November 25, 2014
Of course
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
Jack,
YAY! Thank you so very much!
N
November 25, 2014
I feel sometimes this misery is linked with responsibility as well. In this case, the responsibility of the woman’s emotions perhaps. I’ve learnt that a woman’s emotional outbursts sometimes give men tremendous stress, and they can can a fight or flight response. If it has happened a few times and it has “proven” that fighting with a woman doesn’t succeed, their natural response can be flight. On our part we can pray that God gives us the strength to not overload our men with our emotional demands and “why do you not spend more time with me” type questions, men can also learn that women were made for connection and it is a basic need to connect emotionally even if everything else can fall apart. (We also need to know that our feelings really matter to you.) However when we make the men in our lives responsible for our happiness, we run a horrible risk of making our men want to live on the rooftop instead of being with us 🙂
Peacefulwife
November 25, 2014
N,
This is why it is SO important for us as women not to make our men responsible for our happiness and not to idolize them, but to take responsibility for our own spiritual growth and our emotions. Then we can be filled with God’s Spirit and have self-control and not emotionally explode all over our men.
Shy
November 25, 2014
Thanks Jack.
Shy
November 25, 2014
Such an awesome post. My Ex stated that he left because I broke up with him to much, my up and down emotions ( making him responsible for me) and my lack of trust. To which he believed that he just could not make me happy. To be honest I really wasn’t happy. we were long distances, he chatted with women on facebook and called them friends etc. We were engaged a long time; and I became tired and so did he. we were the classic case of ” when fools rush in”
now I do believe that I was totally immature. He on the other hand is very mature. I played many games and in the end I lost. I am using this time to cling to Christ since when we draw near to him he draws near to us. I have cut off all ungodly counsel from ” Friends” I have 3 sold out for Christ friends that I go to ( including April) I pray for my ex daily. God is dealing with me now that I am out of that every day crying spell I was in. lol
I made a few of the mistakes listed above, Crying yelling begging etc. Then God said get up and wash your face like King David so I did.
I have a lot of things from my past that I have been holding on too. Time to let it all go.
I believe this man is my husband but if he decides not to come back then I do respect that. I have this crazy peace 🙂
I gave him space and he called me and texted me often. so that didn’t work.
I’m just trying to wait on God and focus on being the woman he wants me to be.
Peacefulwife
November 27, 2014
Shy,
Praying for you to do the growing in Christ that God desires you to do. I don’t think it was possible for any man to make you happy with all the mindsets and thinking you had going on. But I pray that you will continue to allow God to work in your heart, soul and mind to regenerate you and make you more like Christ. Much love!
Courtney E.
November 26, 2014
Thank you! It is so comical how God tends to speak to me. I am still troubled by hearing/deciphering whether God is speaking to me. Regardless, this post spoke to me profoundly. There was this guy that I strongly connected with and “all of a sudden” I stopped hearing from him. This has happened to me before sadly. So I concluded that this last guy has done this same in terms of “ghosting” away. Of course I was sad/mad for several days, but as a week closed in from not hearing back from him, I accepted the situation and had this peace about me. I know that I need to strengthen my relationship with God. So I prayed (again) that God place the guy in my life if I am to have one and in His timing. For now, I am at peace that whatever happened to that guy happened and I am to place focus on God. I have done this before and failed, but after multiple failed attempts to do this on my own…I am ready for God to take control of my life. Thank you again for this post that has encouraged me that I am doing just fine after this recent breakup. May God continue to bless you and speak through you to reach gals like me.
Peacefulwife
November 26, 2014
Courtney E.,
I am so glad God spoke to you through this post. It is not an easy thing at all to rest in God’s peace when you are facing heartbreak and uncertainty. But it is the best place in the world to be – in the center of God’s Spirit’s power and His will, trusting Him. I am excited about the way you are choosing to put your faith and trust in God and focus on your walk with Christ.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Shy
November 27, 2014
When you feel like your ex is playing games. and you’ve decided you don’t want anything to do with him.
What is a nice way to tell him that you don’t want him back and that he should stop contacting you?
Peacefulwife
November 27, 2014
Shy,
I am not sure in your case. You have told him to stop contacting you before, but he continued to do so. If you are really serious, stop answering him. Stop reading and listening to his messages and prayerfully consider whether you should change your number and email if it is very important to you.
Praying for God’s wisdom for you, my precious sister!
Shy
November 27, 2014
Well when I told him to stop before he asked could he and I said I guess it’s okay. But now I feel like this is a pulling my strings kinda game because he knows I love him. But it will be a month in a few days and I’m willing to let him go. These games I believe he is playing are making me not like him as a person,resent him, and made me question if this is someone I would even want to get back with. I don’t want to become bitter towards him.
I really would like to know why he contacts me if he doesn’t want me so confusing. Really just want to know his motives.
Peacefulwife
November 27, 2014
Shy,
You both, apparently, have a lot of issues to deal with because you are both willing participants in all of this unhealthy drama. I am sure you both have things that need to change and heal and things that need to line up with God’s ways.
Right now, I am not worried about his motives. Right now, let’s just focus on your motives. I vote to let God work on his motives. 🙂
Shy
November 28, 2014
Amen lol
April our DR is hosting a trip to Israel it’s $3535 all inclusive. He said to spread the word . if you would be interested in making a post about it/or going yourself I can give you more information. Thanks for being such a great friend.
Peacefulwife
December 1, 2014
Shy,
Thanks for letting me know.
I am praying for you today, my sister!!
TwoP
December 12, 2014
Thanks April. This sounds all too familiar.
” If a man didn’t have godly examples in his life, the thought of trying to be a good husband may be overwhelming. He may need time to work through his own concerns. That has to be ok. He may have a lot of stress in his life. He may be feeling overwhelmed. He may not want to burden you. He may not think he is able to give you all that he wants to. He may have open wounds.”
Peacefulwife
December 12, 2014
TwoP,
I am praying for you!