Well of Course: Richard Simmons Transitioning

UPDATED

No more of those sweaty little boy shorts and loose tank tops for fitness guru and, um, different person Richard Simmons.

Tabloid reports are alleging Simmons has revamped his wardrobe with slinky gowns, diaphanous lingerie and Jimmy Chu’s, and that he she – whatever ­– may be about to go under the knife.

Ouch!

Radar On Line:

Move over, Caitlyn Jenner. RadarOnline.com has learned that Richard Simmons is the latest Hollywood star to secretly undergo a sex change!

The National ENQUIRER broke the explosive news today with a jaw-dropping cover story that features never-before-seen photos of Simmons living as his female identity, Fiona.

The incredible pictures of Simmons, 67, with flowing brunette locks and womanly curves are photoshop-free. And a friend of the exercise guru insisted, “[This is] not just Richard Simmons in drag. This is Richard dressed as a softly spoken woman named Fiona!”

What, because the Deal-A-Meal infomercial crying jags just weren’t working anymore?

Like Jenner, Simmons has opted for breast implant surgery, hormone therapy, and a host of other invasive changes to create the transformation, The ENQUIRER reported. And while he’s yet to make a public announcement, the magazine said he’s secretly been venturing out of his Hollywood Hills home dressed as a woman for months.

You’re thinking that cannot be all?

And you would be right.

An insider – and I’m going to assume that’s just a figure of speech – has revealed Richard’s primary reason for the transition.

“Richard would go into great detail about the outfits he would wear,” an insider said at the time. “It’s a fun thing for him to do.”

Oh boy.

Years ago when I published a regional lifestyles magazine, my contract photographer showed up one morning for a shoot, limping.

I said, “What Happened?”

He said, “Richard Simmons bit a hunk out of my ankle.”

My mouth dropped open.

“’The Sweating to the Oldies’” guy? I said.

“Swear to God,” he said. “The little ____ dropped onto the floor and slithered across the carpet like a reptile and BIT me.”

If the story is true, and no one but the individuals present at the time can prove it one way or the other, this is a LGBT argument that could sell.

Forget about your crumbcrunching little demons being confronted by the gender-confused in the restrooms, they could say. Your husbands may not be safe at their urinals with these frustrated, oppressed, victims of God, who know in their heart of hearts that they belongs one door down!

HOMOPHOBES, YOUR SPOUSES’ *ANKLES MAY BE AT STAKE!

_{*Other Male Appendages May Apply.}

So there you go.

The voices in Richard’s head have spoken.

Problem solved.

And think about the up side…

No more …

UPDATE

Richard Simmons Rep Denies Gender Transition Rumors: ‘He Deserves His Privacy’

So, guess we’re still stuck with the same ol’ ankle-munching Richard, after all.