Putting Identities to Good Use

Reader Cliff Arroyo left an interesting comment:

It is true that the “men and women are different!!!!” is often code-speech for the meta-message:

I treasure my emotional problems and intend to use them as an excuse to act in a horrible self-centered way and if you protest I’m going to get hysterical and/or violent.

On the other hand, no society exists that doesn’t socialize the sexes differently and it’s not clear what the benefits of taking that approach would be.

There would be no benefits, Cliff is absolutely right. Identities allow people to alleviate the burden of living in a complex, incomprehensible world. And that’s fine. We all use identities to make our lives easier.

So I’m not advocating that we all move away from identities. All I want is for more people to begin to understand that identities are artificially created and are only good inasmuch as they make things better for us. We should control the identities and not vice versa. All that’s needed is to generate a little bit of a critical distance from identities.

For instance, I have warm and fuzzy feelings when I see a Ukrainian flag and I’m choked with tears when I hear the Ukrainian anthem. But I’m fully aware that this response was conditioned in me. This was created artificially and purposefully by someone other than me. I’m letting it exist because I’m in control of these feelings and only let them exist while they benefit me. The “me” is not subjugated to the identity. And that’s my only goal in what identities entail.

Taking gender identities as an example, if a guy is into sports, cars and track suits because he was told that this is what guys do, good for him. But if the same guy takes this manufactured identity so seriously that he doesn’t go to a doctor and shortens his life span as a result, that is taking it too far. Or, if a woman is into makeup, frilly dresses, and spas, that’s fantastic. I’m that woman, and let me tell you, it’s fun. But if I hated all this stuff and tried to force myself into it because I take the identity script too seriously, that would not be good. 

Just a little critical distance, that’s all I’m asking for.