Marx on Monday: Climate Change, Gore and Monbiot

One of the problems of being a contributor to this online publication is that I keep strange bedfellows – and none are stranger than that climate change denier and general all round lunatic James Delingpole.

For many years now Delingpole has waged a one man campaign based on ignorance and dishonesty against the plague of climate change, and no doubt yesterday’s alleged news that there has been no global warming will convince his carers to give him access to a computer so that he can cobble together a wholly misleading and untruthful article along the lines of “I told you so!”

But, as usual, Delingpole will fool no decent right-minded people with his libertarian ordure. Those of us who care about the planet and our children’s future will continue to ignore the evidence and remain true to our liberal values.

At first, when yesterday’s news broke that there had been little or no man made climate change I was a little despondent. I was in Washington, hoping to speak to Obama about the need to invade Syria, and stopped off on my way to the White House for a Taco Bell. I ordered a Crunchy Taco and sat down at a table to enjoy my meal.  Sitting opposite me was a sad looking old man with his head in his hands. A Fiery Dorito Locos Taco Supreme, from which he had taken a single bite, sat on the table in front of him.

“What’s the matter old timer,” I addressed him, “is it too hot?”

“No,” he looked up with tears in his eyes, ”it’s not hot enough!”

“You should ask the waiter for extra chilli,”I advised him, and then gaped as I suddenly realized that this was no sad old man sitting opposite me – it was the liberal visionary and saviour of the planet Al Gore .

“Not my taco!” He spluttered, “the weather – have you seen this?”

He held up a copy of the Washington Post and I read the banner headline, “THE IPCC ADMITS IT WAS WRONG ON CLIMATE CHANGE.”

“Oh my God,” I gasped, “is it true?”

“Of course it’s not true,” Gore spat back.

I picked up the paper and read the article.

“It says here,” I quoted, “that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change – the IPCC’s, computer model predictions that the planet has been warming at 0.2% per decade was grossly exaggerated, that the correct figure is around half that, that it can’t be excluded that this is down to natural climate changes and not man made at all and that it casts severe doubt upon the accuracy of the IPCC’s climate change predicting computers.”

“And which fascist idiot makes those ridiculous claims?” Gore scowled.

“The IPCC themselves,” I informed him.

“But that’s nonsense Kevin,” Gore protested, “non-fact based liberal propaganda has firmly established that the last twenty years are the hottest twenty years since records began.”

“But the IPCC now accept that there has been no global warming since 1997,” I quoted from the IPCC’s 2,000 page report.

“Okay there may be a global warming pause going on at the moment,” Gore conceded, “but what about Michael Mann’s hockey stick which featured so graphically in the film I directed with Leni Riefenstahl – An Inconvenient Truth?”

“The IPCC now accept that there were periods of warming much hotter than in recent times,” I quoted from the report, “particularly between 950 and 1250 AD when the population and Co2 levels were much lower and there were no SUVs or industrial pollution.”

“But what about the falling levels of sea ice and all those dead polar bears?” Al choked.

“The IPCC now accept that sea ice levels are growing at a record rate and currently stand at a record high,” I quoted from the IPCC report, “this year alone there are a million square miles more sea ice than last year and polar bear numbers are growing at record levels.”

“Did someone mention polar bears?” Another customer came over to join us, a Nacho Cheeses Doritos Locos Taco in his hand.

Al and I gasped in unison, for the newcomer was none other than the cleverest man who ever lived – George Monbiot.

“Yes,” I replied, “have you seen the IPCC report that admits that global warming is a load of rubbish?”

“It doesn’t quite say that Kevin,” George put on his patronizing voice – which was not surprising as it is the only one he’s got – “it is still firmly committed to the fact that global warming is real, it just accepts that there isn’t any evidence to prove it.”

“What do you mean no evidence?” Al Gore screeched, “what about the massive increase in hurricanes in the last decade? That is wholly down to global warming.”

“But it says in the IPCC report,” I quoted, “that not only has 2013 been one of the quietest hurricane seasons in history, the US is currently enjoying its longest-ever period – almost eight years – without a single hurricane of Category 3 or above making landfall.”

“Oh my God,” Al replied, “have you any idea how bad this news is?”

“Bad?” I raised an eyebrow, “I would have thought it would be good news – there is no global warming and the planet and our children’s future is safe.”

“It may be good news for the future of our planet and our children,” Al replied, “but what about the future of Gorge Monbiot and Al Gore?”

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

“We make millions of dollars every year from our climate change scaremongering articles, films and lectures”, Al replied, “which idiots are going to believe the rubbish we come out with now?”

“Liberals?” I played Devil’s advocate, “and even they might struggle to continue to believe in global warming – given the facts.”

“Luckily for us the liberals have never concerned themselves about facts,” Monbiot announced, “but if we’re going to continue to make out like bandits we need to carry on selling the myth of global warming to the masses – and there’s no way we can do that given the evidence.”

“But what about the scientists at the IPCC,” Gore implored, “surely they are still committed to the global warming cause?”

“I’m afraid not,” I informed him, “their most senior scientist,  Professor Allen said: ‘The idea of producing a document of near-biblical infallibility is a misrepresentation of how science works, and we need to look very carefully about what the IPCC does in future,’ and Dr Benny Peiser, of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, described the IPCC’s original climate change contentions, in the light of their new report,  as a ‘staggering concoction of confusion, speculation and sheer ignorance’.”

“So what do we do now?” Gore implored.

“Think about it,” Monbiot fixed him with a patronising glare, “temperatures are getting cooler, it was much hotter a thousand years ago, sea ice is expanding, polar bears are taking over the planet,  hurricanes and extreme weather events are falling – have you any idea what this means?”

“That there’s no global warming?” I hazarded a guess.

“Yes, but what else?” Monbiot asked.

“Oh my God,” Gore climbed slowly to his feet, a look of pained disbelief on his face, “we’re entering a new Ice Age.”

“Precisely, ”Monbiot concurred, “and unless we take action immediately the planet and our children’s future will be doomed.”

“Wait a minute though,” a horrified look spread across Gore’s face, “doesn’t this mean that we might find ourselves agreeing with James Delingpole?”

“There’s no risk of that,” Monbiot laughed, “Delingpole’s not a liberal – he bases his conclusions on facts and evidence – he isn’t visionary enough to decide his conclusions first and then fabricate the evidence to justify them.”

“But isn’t there a risk that the public will think that Delingpole was right all along and we were 100% wrong?” Gore asked.

“There’s not much chance of that,” Monbiot smiled a patronising smile, “who was it that was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007 for services to humanity over climate change – was it Delingpole?”

“No,” Al smiled back, “it was jointly awarded to the IPCC and me – Al Gore.”

“And it has never been so richly deserved,” George replied, “not even by the 1994 winner – Yasser Arafat, the 2009 winner – Barack Obama or the 2012 winner – the European Union. Since you and the IPCC started the global warming scare campaign in 2007 the measures taken to combat the non-existent threat have cost the world economy in the region of thirty trillion dollars. American taxpayers have borne the brunt of that cost – it has cost them on average around $60,000 each thanks to your scaremongering propaganda.”

“That of course includes you Al,” I pointed out, “as you earn a hundred times more than the average it has cost you much more than $60,000 to fight non-existent global warming.”

“That’s true,” George pointed out, “but thanks to films, books and lectures Al Gore has amassed a fortune of over $700 million dollars from the gullible public’s fear and hysteria over global warming.”

“And that’s just the start,” said Al, “my new film, “An Inconvenient Truth 2” is going to warn the public of the dangers of global cooling featuring Michael Mann’s hockey stick.”

“But I thought that Mann’s hockey stick showed how the last ten years were the hottest years since records began,” I said.

“Not anymore,” Gore replied, “in my new film it will illustrate graphically how the last ten years were the coldest since records began.”

“But how?” I looked baffled.

“Simple,” Gore smiled, “I’m going to turn it upside down.”