Telephone

It is sunset and I am sitting by myself on a beach in Malibu. Got a little flask filled with my favorite beverage and I am looking out upon the water thinking about nothing.

Twenty five years ago Ann would have been sitting in between my legs with her back against my chest. I would have nuzzled her neck and gotten lost in thoughts of a million different things.

At some point in time she would have turned her face towards mine and kissed me, dark eyes would look at mine and ask me what I was thinking about. I’d shrug my shoulders and say nothing and she’d probably let it go because silence wasn’t our enemy, it was our friend.

We were happy to just spend time together. I could listen to her breathe and just watch her. She brought a certain sense of calm into my life that didn’t exist before her and hasn’t really been around since. That is probably because I am pretty guarded and she was one of the handful that I trusted completely. She wasn’t just my best friend or lover, she was my partner.

I let go with her and trusted that she would always have my best interests in mind as I had hers.

Been thinking about that a little bit. Been thinking about it because I have been trying to understand what it was that we had and why the attraction remains. There was a while when I thought that it was sexual in nature. She used to laugh and say that I brought out the animal in her. It was this crazy pheromone thing, a chemical connection.

But it was more than that too.

I remember having a conversation with Ann about the second guy she was with and my second girl. It was one of those deals where we compared notes and talked about how after you had been with your first a million times you thought you knew all there was to know about sex and then someone new showed you that you didn’t.

There was never an awkward moment between Ann and I. We just knew how to be together and the first time felt incredible but it also felt like we had been together our entire lives. I won’t lie and say that I haven’t wondered about that. But like I have said a million times before, she was never just someone to sleep with and she isn’t just that now.

Music is playing behind me. Someone has just turned on Boys of Summer and now my head is really spinning. I can hear Don Henley singing about that girl he once loved and how he is going to get her back. He is talking about her Wayfarers and her brown skin shining in the sun and I see the silhouette of a woman dancing on the water.

I know that there isn’t really anyone there but I am just going with the moment. It is Ann I see dancing, her hips swaying from side to side, those long legs are just as muscular as they have ever been..

There are voices coming from just behind me now so I turn my head and I see a couple lying on a blanket. They are lost in their world and I watch as he rolls partway on top of her. She giggles and I wonder if they realized that I am 30 feet or so away from them.

The music switches from Don Henley to Fleetwood Mac and now I am really lost in memory. They are playing Tusk and we’re dancing, caught up in the concert we really are in our own world.

Just ahead of me the couple apparently has decided that they don’t care who is around. Her legs are wrapped around him and I can’t figure out why I am still staring at them. Maybe it is because now the stereo has moved from Tusk to The Chain. Between the music, the setting and the warm feeling in my belly I am convinced that this is my moment.

This is my time to reach out and call her. I haven’t a clue what I am going to say but that hasn’t ever been something that I worried much about. I don’t like being scripted. I do better when I just speak and let the words flow.

So I pull out my cellphone and pull up her name. For a moment I stop and stare at the numbers, this is my chance to put the phone away. I don’t have to dial. I can walk home, have dinner and enjoy a quiet evening alone.

But I am not without balls and the willingness to take a risk. This doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be done. So I dial her number, put the phone to my ear and wait for the ring.

There is a electric charge running up and down my body. In between the first couple of rings I wonder where she is. “I finally get the nerve to call her and she isn’t there or is screening my call. Really. Is this really happening. Answer the phone Ann.”

Ring number three goes by and I start wondering if I should leave a message or just hang up. Suddenly there is a click and for the first time in years I hear her voice on the other side of the phone.