…listen, mum; I did fone ‘im, but ‘e said fone Aandre…
…yes, mum…
…yes, ‘e says Aandre knows what to do…
…uh…yeah…
….so I foned this Aandre last night, right, and ‘e’s round quick as a flash, and I shows ‘im the ‘oles. Remember they was behind the cooker in that daamp bit of lino what’s peelin’ off and goin’ braan? Well, they moved. Now they’s next to the barfroom cabinet…
…yeah, ‘oles…
…I dunno ‘ow they moved, but they bleedin moved…
…nah, I did call the caancil, but they said they don’t do ‘oles…
…‘ow do I bleedin’ know?!?
…nah, they said they does ants, bed bugs, bees, braan-banded cockroaches, german cockroaches, oriental cockroaches, carpet beetles, fur beetles, varied carpet beetles, centipedes, firebrats, fleas, blue bottles, green bottles, ‘ouse flies, fruit flies, ‘ornets, lice, aalmond mofs, indianmeal mofs, mealworm beetles, red spiders, silverfish, spider beetles, woodlice, daampwood termites, subterranean termites, wasps, woolly bears, woodworms, deaf watch beetles, furniture beetles, weevils, mice, raats, chipmunks, gophers, beavers, shrews, moles, opossums, raccoons and ‘edgehogs. But not ‘oles. Well, Aandre takes one look at them holes and ‘e says, “You’ll ‘ave to fill em up.” ‘e said if I didn’t fill ‘em up straight away, they’d be everywhere, and before I know it, there’d be no ‘ouse left….
….nah…nah…‘e’s a specialist, mum; ‘e works wiv ‘oles every day…
…nah…nah…why should I?
…mum…mum…you should know bleedin’ better than listen to ‘er malicious bleedin’ gossip…
…mum; Aandre does not live in an ‘ole! Anyway, ‘e fills ‘em up and says call ‘im back if I gets any more…
…yeah, that was last night….
…well, that’s my point exactly…
…nah, ‘e went back ‘ome. Well, I goes into the kitchen this morning don’t I, and there’s six more of them bleedin’ ‘oles lurkin’ behind the microwave. I’m at my wits end mum, really I am, and now there’s gonna be no ‘ouse left, and I dunno what to do, and Aandre ain’t pickin’ up the fone, and ‘is answerfone message is just this saand of ‘im sayin’ “ ‘oles, ‘oles, ‘oles, ‘oles, ‘oles,” over and over and over…I feel proliferated mum. I’m a bleedin’ colander…
The Unstitute 
