Hank Splints – The 37^th Story in The #HankSaga – By: Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) (@Deeliopunk) (@HankSaga)

 

It was around noon on a Tuesday or Saturday. The coffee was steaming behind the counter, spilled on the floor no more than 11 and a half minutes ago by Gina as she was walking by to grab herself a slushy.

“How’s that coffee still steaming after being on the floor so long?” asked the brunette at the bar’s end.

“Good question,” I replied before taking a sip of my scotch.

“Do you have an answer for me?” she said, batting her eyes.

“I think I can help with this,” said a strange man as he took a seat between us, two empty chairs on either side of him. His tie was either orange or green, it was hard to tell. But everything else about his appearance was clear, and quite odd. He had half a licorice tail falling almost to the floor when he sat down. His hands were made of wood, his teeth shiny like he’d just eaten a container of glitter.

“Let’s see,” he said as he rummaged through a parcel he’d brought with him, “ah yes, here it is.”

He opens up a new container of glitter and stars to consume it in front of us.

“Are you going to answer the girl’s question about the coffee?” I said.

“What? Oh, I have no idea about that. Definitely weird though, right? Crazy, must be all the science and stuff. My name is Hank by the way.”

I shake his hand and get a splinter. “Charles Splints.”

“Oh, we’re saying last names too? You didn’t tell me that. My name is Hank Carpenter then.”

“The pleasure is all yours.”

“Clever. I never would’ve been able to come up with a line like that.”

“Umm, excuse me, but could one of you do me a favor?” asked the brunette.

“Yes, Maria,” said Mr. Carpenter.

“I need to go on some more travels. So I was just wondering if one of you could deliver this envelope once I get inside.”

“Sure thing.”

She handed the envelope to Mr. Carpenter…

“Please, call me Hank when you’re narrating. It makes it easier, and more of the readers would recognize me as Hank rather than ‘Mr. Carpenter’, who sounds more like a Bond villain than anything. ‘The carpenter, he’ll fix you up real good.’ ‘Mr. Bond, I’d like you to meet Mr. Carpenter!’ ‘Someone hand me my saw.” Coming this Fall!’”

Alright then… she hand the envelope to Hank and then jumped inside. Once he sealed the envelope with glittering saliva the lights to Blue Spaghetti’s shut off. When they turned back on the envelope was gone.

“Hmm, weird. Hey Gina, can I get a blue slushy?”

“We need to find that envelope,” I demanded.

“Why?”

“Because it was stolen.”

“Yeah, probably. Why do we need to find it though?”

“Because it’s a case.”

“Aaaand?”

“Solving cases is what I do.”

“Aaaaaand?”

“And what?”

“Aaaaaand?”

“And you can help me if you shut up.”

“Great! I’ll get my spy gear!”

“I’m not a spy, I’m a detective.”

“And I’m not a Russian ballet dancer… Ha! We all have our secret hobbies, Splintsy.”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“Oh I would never call you ‘that’. Do you know what Cinta would do to me if I started calling people ‘that’?”

“Just grab whatever it is you need and let’s get going.”

“I’ll need that slushy to go, Gina.”

We leave the restaurant to find my car missing and a note in its place. It read “Had to borrow this – I’ll bring it back in a week or so. P.S: Hank smells.”

“I do not! Today was my monthly shower.”

“Where’s your car?”

“I had a van. Ask Nina.”

“Who’s Nina?”

“Good question. Let’s ask the fine fellow standing next to the lamp post over there if he has any modes of transportation we can borrow.”

“Why would some random guy help us? And where would he pull a vehicle from for us to drive?”

He walked away from me as I was talking to ask the guy about transportation options.

“He says he has a dragon we can borrow! You got a nickel?”

“What the…”

We climb atop the dragon and Hank steers it towards the direction of the library.

“Why are we going to the library?” I asked.

“Didn’t you see the clue?”

“What clue? We haven’t even looked for clues yet. I wanted to head to another bar.”

“I guess I didn’t show you. There was residue on my hand from whoever stole the envelope. It was laundry detergent. And only one person I know actually does there laundry. And he’s a mean, crazy, wacky, obscene, wild…”

“Get on with it already.”

“He’s a fairy!”

“A fairy? Where the hell are we? Why is everything around here so screwed up?”

“Ask Dan.”

“Who’s Dan?”

“He’s the writer/narrator of these stories.”

“I’m narrating this story.”

“Well sure, but he’s writing everything you say.”

“Whatever, just get us to this library,” I said as I unscrewed the cap to my flask.

We show up and Hank parks the dragon next to a blue car with the back windows busted out.

“Is the appearance of this car going to come back into play later in the story?”

“Maybe. Let’s just get in the library and find this guy, okay?”

We walk in and Hank runs towards the movie section.

“Splinsty, have you seen this one? Or this one? This one? How about this one?”

“Shut up and show me where this fairy is hiding.”

“Pick a movie first.”

“We’re not going to be watching a movie. I don’t care which one you pick.”

“I’m not picking one. You are! How about this one?”

“Sure, looks good.”

“Ehhhh, wrong answer. This one is lame. I can’t even trust you. How are we going to be crime solving partners if I can’t even trust you? Hmm?”

“We aren’t. This is a onetime deal.”

“It’s spelled D.e.e.L around here.”

“Of course it is. Now where is this fairy?”

“Probably by all the boring books.”

I headed towards the romance section and found a small fairy with a long beard placing the envelope into a book titled “Long Lost Lovers Living Lovely”.

“Hand me the envelope and I’ll consider letting you keep your wings.”

“Ha! As if a fool like you is gonna stop ol’ Pishlemtickens! I’ll take you on any day, young man!”

I walk up to him, punch him in the face, and take the book from his hands.

“What? This is a #HankSaga story! You can’t just do that!”

“He’s the mailman this city needs. The mailman it deserves,” announced Hank from behind us.

By Dan Leicht (D.e.e.L) September 22nd (Dan’s Bday!) 2014

Follow Dan on Twitter @Deeliopunk

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Check out all the Hank Saga stories so far! And see some of your favorites available to read on Wattpad!

Also be sure to check out Hank and Dan’s Movie Reviews!

Read the funny interview featuring both Hank and Charles!

And lastly… Visit the Charles Splints Page to see all of his stories/poems!